The Little Mermaid: What Really Happened...
Now that I am approaching 40 – gasp – I am realizing that something has happened to me in my advanced years. I don’t see things the way I used to – and no, I am not thinking it is a problem with my vision (although that’s not so great either).
No, the problem of which I speak has to do with perception.
I was watching The Little Mermaid with my kids. I had seen it in college and loved it. My elder self? Not so much. Here’s why.
College Me Watching The Little Mermaid
A story about true love – that is SO sweet!
And of course the world is trying to thwart their love!
Why is her dad yelling at her like that? That is totally not fair!
I wonder if I could pull off a mermaid costume for that Halloween party…that would be AWESOME!
Ha – Scuttle is kind of like that crazy guy in my dorm who is always trying to sell weird crap.
That Ursula is a bitch. Of course she got what she deserved. Evil people always do.
Oh look, they ended up together – sigh – double sigh – true love really DOES conquer all! And he saved her – that is SO heroic! Giggle giggle, dreamy smile.
Elder Me Watching The Little Mermaid
She’s supposed to be 16? What in the Hell is wrong with her waist? It’s non-existent! And her hips are freakishly curvy. That is not remotely proportional and NOT a real portrayal of women. Is my daughter catching on to how weird that mermaid looks? WTF?
Of course her dad is yelling at her – what she was doing was DANGEROUS! You go, dad!
Note to Scuttle: It’s a fork, dumbass.
Seriously? How are they really going to make that marriage work? She’s a mermaid and he’s a human. Even if she does get magic human legs, it has divorce written all over it. And whoever writes up that divorce settlement better be damn clever. How does mer-child custody even work – weekends in the ocean and weekdays on dry land?
That Ursula was a genius. She wouldn’t have gotten caught in real life.
And now for my version of The Little Mermaid…
The Little Mermaid: What Really Happened
It was a dark and stormy night. A perfectly proportioned mermaid – not too big or too small – forgets about an engagement with her parents. She gets in terrible trouble, and they take her cell phone away for a week. She rebels, sneaks out and spies a stunningly attractive human. She doesn’t know it yet…but he’s a total tool. She pursues him to the point of giving up her most valued asset (you can think it’s her voice, but we all know that’s code for something else).
Meanwhile…back in the ocean…the very clever sea witch is plotting how she can take advantage of the situation.
And our troubled couple? The challenges they face are simply too great. They part ways. Our mermaid friend realizes that young love can make you…stupid...She realizes that she is more than a piece of…voice.
Meanwhile…back in the ocean…the sea witch is amassing her fortune and taking frequent holidays in the Cayman Islands
And our little mermaid? She meets attractive, stable, grownup merman. She realizes he is perfect for her, and she falls in love. They have very ill-behaved mermaid babies that age her before her time. They live happily ever after…except when her merman plays golf all Saturday and doesn’t help with the dishes.
And as for our friend the sea witch? She holds the mortgages on all of the houses in mermaid land and gets fat and happy off the profits. She is the 1%.
What about you? Are you still in love with the original version of The Little Mermaid or has your perception of it changed as well? Inquiring minds both above and under the sea are awaiting your response.
Shannon Hembree is a stay-at-home mom of a kindergartner and twin toddlers. She is also the co-founder of Mamas Against Drama. You can follow her on Twitter @shannon1hembree and Mamas Against Drama @MamasAgnstDrama.