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In the process of tangling with some bloggers around social software, a new service called FriendFeed and the experience of lifestreaming data, I ended up going deep into Stephanie Quilao’s blog, Back in Skinny Jeans, and reading a series of entries from 2006 that chronicled her rape by a co-worker at a Silicon Valley firm and the subsequent pain, suffering and dysfunction that followed in her life. Reading her entries made me want to share some of her story, and the wisdom she’s acquired; she's a marvelous writer with alot to teach--and moving stories about her own struggles.
For Stephanie, the date rape she experienced with a boyfriend and co-worker and the shame she felt led to denial and weight gain; two handy ways to isolate herself from the emotional pain. Her narrative about the incident is detailed and compelling;
“You can try to bury an emotionally painful event like this, but it will never stay buried. It will fight its way to come to the surface, and if you choose not to deal with it, the pain can only be silenced with vices like drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, porn, gambling, eating disorders, cutting yourself, shopping beyond your debt, working 80 hours a week, or any other vice you can get our hands on to feel anything but the pain. Every day, you become more and more detached from your body.
(snip)
It all doesn’t stop until you have the courage to finally face your pain, confront it, stop playing the victim, and call it what it really is: rape.”
Stephanie’s chronicle of her emotional ordeal and how she worked her way back from trauma is tender and compelling; ultimately, she ends up totally transforming her career, her work life, her shape and her self as a means to get free of the painful traumas of the past.
Of course, all of this is chronicled on her blog. She has a number of observations about working your way through emotional pain and trauma that seemed very wise to me, and that are worth sharing. A few of them:
On dieting and emotional pain:
"One thing I’ve learned during the move to naturopathic treatments is why traditional weight loss programs never work. They are based on treating parts, and not the whole. People get fat primarily to protect themselves. The fat is a subconscious layer of armor to protect you from pain. If you don’t treat the emotional and spiritual pain, all the exercising and dieting in the world will not work long term."
On authenticity:
"People who are truly happy do not suffer from on-going depression, and people who are living the lives they have always wanted, and are being the people they have always wanted to be do not suffer on-going depression. Why because their true self and social self are one in the same"
On sexuality:
"Did you gain weight because the skinny Wild Thing got into too much trouble and found herself in too many sexually toxic or dangerous situations? Is that fat really an excuse to deny your sexuality, your rebel, your true self that you're afraid of?"
Today, Stephanie is a full time blogger running a series of niche blogs, with Back in Skinny Jeans as a celebration of self-awareness, healthy eating, and wellness (and a damn good read). Her own boss, she’s invested in self-actualization and motivating others. From deep pain she’s clearly evolved to someone with much wisdom (and good humor) to share.
Reading through Stephanie’s blog, particularly the posts from 2006 when she is in so much pain (and denial) are inspiring, but her stories also brought me back to traumatic moments in my own life—and how I’ve used blogging and journaling to help get through them. When I got divorced, a few years ago, I started a private blog as a chronicle of my journey’ I still go back, from time to time and read the old posts(and revel in how much I have grown.) And of course when I was laid off from Yahoo last month ( a much less traumatic experience than getting divorced, believe me), the sharing I’ve learned to practice through blogging helped me write about those events, bring me back all kinds of positive support.
So, to get to the self-help and taking care of yourself part of this essay, what does Stephanie suggest we do when the(emotional) pain is just devastating?
Eat chocolates? Candy? Ice cream? Naaah. (Okay, I admit that was
