In the process of tangling with some bloggers around social software, a new service called FriendFeed and the experience of lifestreaming data, I ended up going deep into Stephanie Quilao’s blog, Back in Skinny Jeans, and reading a series of entries from 2006 that chronicled her rape by a co-worker at a Silicon Valley firm and the subsequent pain, suffering and dysfunction that followed in her life. Reading her entries made me want to share some of her story, and the wisdom she’s acquired; she's a marvelous writer with alot to teach--and moving stories about her own struggles.
For Stephanie, the date rape she experienced with a boyfriend and co-worker and the shame she felt led to denial and weight gain; two handy ways to isolate herself from the emotional pain. Her narrative about the incident is detailed and compelling;

“You can try to bury an emotionally painful event like this, but it will never stay buried. It will fight its way to come to the surface, and if you choose not to deal with it, the pain can only be silenced with vices like drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, porn, gambling, eating disorders, cutting yourself, shopping beyond your debt, working 80 hours a week, or any other vice you can get our hands on to feel anything but the pain. Every day, you become more and more detached from your body.
(snip)
It all doesn’t stop until you have the courage to finally face your pain, confront it, stop playing the victim, and call it what it really is: rape.”

Stephanie’s chronicle of her emotional ordeal and how she worked her way back from trauma is tender and compelling; ultimately, she ends up totally transforming her career, her work life, her shape and her self as a means to get free of the painful traumas of the past.

Of course, all of this is chronicled on her blog. She has a number of observations about working your way through emotional pain and trauma that seemed very wise to me, and that are worth sharing. A few of them:

On dieting and emotional pain:
"One thing I’ve learned during the move to naturopathic treatments is why traditional weight loss programs never work. They are based on treating parts, and not the whole. People get fat primarily to protect themselves. The fat is a subconscious layer of armor to protect you from pain. If you don’t treat the emotional and spiritual pain, all the exercising and dieting in the world will not work long term."

On authenticity:
"People who are truly happy do not suffer from on-going depression, and people who are living the lives they have always wanted, and are being the people they have always wanted to be do not suffer on-going depression. Why because their true self and social self are one in the same"

On sexuality:
"Did you gain weight because the skinny Wild Thing got into too much trouble and found herself in too many sexually toxic or dangerous situations? Is that fat really an excuse to deny your sexuality, your rebel, your true self that you're afraid of?"

Today, Stephanie is a full time blogger running a series of niche blogs, with Back in Skinny Jeans as a celebration of self-awareness, healthy eating, and wellness (and a damn good read). Her own boss, she’s invested in self-actualization and motivating others. From deep pain she’s clearly evolved to someone with much wisdom (and good humor) to share.

Reading through Stephanie’s blog, particularly the posts from 2006 when she is in so much pain (and denial) are inspiring, but her stories also brought me back to traumatic moments in my own life—and how I’ve used blogging and journaling to help get through them. When I got divorced, a few years ago, I started a private blog as a chronicle of my journey’ I still go back, from time to time and read the old posts(and revel in how much I have grown.) And of course when I was laid off from Yahoo last month ( a much less traumatic experience than getting divorced, believe me), the sharing I’ve learned to practice through blogging helped me write about those events, bring me back all kinds of positive support.

So, to get to the self-help and taking care of yourself part of this essay, what does Stephanie suggest we do when the(emotional) pain is just devastating?

Eat chocolates? Candy? Ice cream? Naaah. (Okay, I admit that was wise ass.)

No, it’s be authentic. Yep, Steph’s very smart point is to deal with pain not by being your “social self,” but by being your authentic self. She writes:
“At the beginning of this year, 2006, I made only one New Year’s resolution and that was to be authentic. What this meant was that I was going to be me, be truthful, and be real. There was to be no fibbing, no denial, no acting the way other people wanted me to be, no being the “good girl” because that is what would make other people happy. Being authentic meant I was also going to be able to get angry, express my true feelings, get messy, and make mistakes without punishing myself, feeling guilty, or feeling ashamed/embarrassed for my imperfect parts.”
And
"Being authentic also meant parting with friendships and relationships that no longer served my higher good. This was very tough to do because there are people you love to have fun with, but at the end of the day, you discover that the foundation of your relationship is built on sand or illusion. You discover that you can’t really be you and grow because it doesn’t fit with the unspoken rules that your relationship has in force."

As someone on a journey of personal growth and self-development, I found that Stephanie’s words hit home; her mission of using her own experience to help other people is great and I’m signed up as a fan.

Stephanie, you go, girl!

Other inspiring bloggers to note:
Julie Leung: a life told in tidepools
"I think that Ted wanted to fix my blog, not because it was a challenge to his skills or perhaps even insult to his pride, but because he loves me. He’s always supported and encouraged me in all my blogging endeavors and he understands how much of myself I’ve poured into that Movable Type installation on our server. Ted worked and hacked, eventually finding a solution that would allow me to use my blog again, out of his heart and passion for me. Perl is a love language."

liz lawley: mamamusings
“But one of the things that’s starting to change inside of me is my concern about what other people think. I’m discovering how much of an (often unconscious) motivation it has been for my actions, and how crippling that is. I can say without hesitation that as a result of this book, I’m a happier, more centered person today than I have ever been—and that despite some significant personal turmoil over the past few months. The book is Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. It was recommended to me by my dear friend Linda Stone, someone whom I trust and respect, or I might never have looked at it. I started with the audio version—I have an Audible subscription, and here in Seattle I have a significant (at least an hour a day) commute. What did I have to lose by listening to it? It’s not like the time would otherwise be spent doing something useful. But before I’d gotten halfway through the recording, I knew I wanted the book, as well. And before I was finished with the first book, I knew I wanted the second one, too.

Cate Sevilla: C upCate
“Relationships, and not necessarily marriage, are hard, simply because compromise is hard. Living with someone else is hard, because you have two egos, two sets of hopes, and two sets of opinions under one roof. Two tempers, two sets of insecurities and hangups and one person who's body freaks out once a month and goes all hormonal and crampy and SHEDEVILISH.
Marriage is simply a incredibly committed relationship where both people are truly, honestly, and 100% in it for the long haul. Where the mentality isn't, "Well, if we break up," or "Well, if we get divorced..." Or at least our marriage is.”

Related Posts:

• Pass the Stones
• Temptations: Loving a Wounded Guy and Settling For
• November is RSD/CRPS Awareness Month

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