Looking At The Monster In The Mirror: How Do We React When Post-Partum Depression Becomes Post-Partum Horror?

I've been remembering my experience of postpartum depression a lot recently, and have been meaning to write about it since stigma and secrecy only serve to reinforce one another. I vivdly remember the first three months of my son's life as some of the most acutely stressful I have lived through, and I've lived through some horrible stuff.

He was a high-needs baby, my son, and he wouldn't sleep and he wouldn't settle and I so badly needed to sleep. I still remember what it is to jolt awake after an hour's sleep because the baby you've been up with for the past five hours is awake again, and listen to him crying and not wanting to pick him up even though I knew I had to and wishing I was dead. I was combining a history of depression with recent bereavement (two deaths in the family within a week of my son's birth) and if you factor in the postpartum fun of recovering from a major haemorrhage,  it really had all the ingredients of a mental disaster.

I remember as one sleepless night joined another and they all marched on to form torturous weeks I stopped sleeping because sleeping seemed pointless when I would only be jolted awake again any minute, and I stopped eating because eating seemed pointless and how I spent all that not-eating and not-sleeping time fantasising about one single thing: how to commit suicide.

I also remember the long, long, long days of being at home alone with a colicky baby - with no idea how to calm him only the idea that his failure to be calm was somehow my fault. I remmeber the times when I had to leave him to scream in order to walk away and shake and punch walls so that I was sure I would not shake and punch him.

And all I felt was ever growing despair and isolation, because my experience seemed so different to the experiences of the new mothers around me, because when I tried to talk to my family they told me to shut up and be grateful, because when I asked for help from my doctor I only got a lecture, because when my midwife said I might be feeling 'a touch of the baby blues' it shut me up since what I was feeling was not mild in any sense and her describing it as such only convinced me that she had absolutely no frame of reference for the experience I was living.

Daily stress and sleep deprivation are a powerful unbalancing cocktail and who knows what would have happened except that my mother took pity and arrived and took my son off my hands for hours at a time so that I could start to get my head together, and at three months my son started to sleep for 6-8 hour stretches at night and the rest gave me enough leverege to handle my own demons. 

 But if he hadn't and she hadn't and they hadn't... if things had been a bit more stressful... if I had been less resilient.... who knows. I could well have lost it turned into another statistic on suicide or accidental harm. Not because I am weak, or monstrous, or neglectful, but because I am EveryWoman given enough of the right kinds of stress.

Thrills! Laughs! Pathos!

http://rainsinger.livejournal.com

Oh, Catherine, I so wish that I could stand blithely by and say I have no idea what you are talking about. But I can't. And since I have dealt with and felt the pain of PPD twice, I have decided that the risk of going through it again, and it possibly being worse, is not worth having another baby. I am right there beside you, holding your hand, thinking that I, too, am not that different from these monsters. That scares me immensely, and I pray daily for the Lord to keep those demons away. Thank you for sharing your powerful words. It is only through education that we can change the way women are treated after giving birth!!

That poor woman.   I grew up in a household where you were deemed "crazy" if you sought help.  It's taken me a long time to outgrow that mindset.  But I have.  Some of the sanest people I know got help.  I could introduce you to a lady who would charm and uplift you with her Christian faith and loving family--and you would never know she spent 2 weeks in a mental institution.  (not me--I don't have the strong Christian faith this lady had). 

Lorrie

What is so incredibly frustrating to me is that doctors - obs and pediatricians, who see new mothers on a regular basis, in my experience NEVER bring this up. And having had four babies, my experience with doctors is vast.

I was a prime candidate for PPD, having 4 babies back to back, a family history of depression, and bouts with severe PMS - all documented on my medical charts. To top it all off, my last baby nearly died and spent several weeks in the NICU. Did even one medical professional ASK?

Not one. And I am in Houston, with one of the best medical centers in the world. It is SHAMEFUL.

When you are in the midst of PPD, combined with the exhaustion etc that accompanies a new baby, it is very difficult if not impossible to self-diagnose. And husbands have no comprehension of a hormone-induced hell. I have recognized the symptoms in friends, advised them to consult with their OBs, and when they did - THE DOCTOR DID NOT BELIEVE THEM. I have certainly never had a pediatrician ask me how I was doing, and pedis see a new mom more than most anyone else.

?????

I live on the edge of the bottomless chasm of depression.  I am held to the edge by medication and a loving family.  Especially a daughter, who pokes at me and doesn’t let me settle into a silence as deep and dark as to be the vey bowels of Hell.  I know my mother suffered PPD particularly after the birth of my youngest sister.  Being a teenager, I resented the hell out of taking care of a toddler and newborn but in retrospect I am glad I did.  I was able to recognize the symptoms in myself after the birth of my second child, a son who is now 23.  Through support of friends and family, things just got better. My children didn’t become headlines.  They just grew up.

PPD is an issue which needs more open and frank discussion. PPD is an issue which deserves better understanding and acceptance.

And society as a whole needs to understand that mental illness does not mean one is sitting in a corner drooling on themselves, or locked in the attic, or committing heinous crimes.  You know many more people who are “mentally ill” than you could believe.  But they have adequate medical and emotional support to function well in society.  I know, I am one of them.

B

I'm a fan of Her Bad Mother and Her Bad Mother's Basement precisely because it reminds us of how fine the line is between ordinary motherhood and insanity.   I had a mild case of PPD myself, I'm fairly certain, and all I could think about was what if I hurt my baby?  What if?  Even now, I get why child abuse happens -- not that I condone it, but I see how without support of various kinds, it is easy to snap. 

With my first born, I was floating on cloud nine.  The happiest period of my entire life was the pregnancy and his first year.  Then, while I was pregnant with my 2nd child the hell began.

 I often wonder what would have happened if I had not had that blissful first pregnancy?If I had not had a sound, reasonable husband to help me navigate? I knew very early one after my 2nd child was born that something was not right, that something was awfully wrong with ME.

 I used to judge harshly the likes of the Yates and Smith.  Now, I weep for these women.

Kelli Oliver George

http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/

http://abooblog.blogspot.com/

http://mileinmine.blogspot.com ( http://mileinmine.blogspot.com/ )

I have seven-year-old and one-year-old sons. After my oldest was born I had a hell of a time with the exhaustion and cage-like feelings that come with having a young one. That time can induce situations beyond our control.

It's been a year since the birth of my youngest and I'm so tired and burnt out that it just about hurts. But when I look at my oldest and see someone I enjoy and LOVE to be around and I remember the time I enjoyed finding my self again before I got pregnant with my youngest I am encouraged.

I'll have my self and my mind back again soon enough and so I hold on by finding outlets that inspire me foward.

I think that's what we're doing when we blog, post partum or not.

I'm so thankful that my own mother was honest about her bout with PPD.  She let me peer into that yawning blackness that opened before her and one that lasted for five years and almost broke my parents marriage up.   She wanted to end herself and me.  Back then (the late 70's) insurance didn't cover mental health and no one talked about PPD or even depression without using a hushed tone.  It just didn't happen.

When I was a few weeks post-partum I knew the signs and saw the look in my mother's eyes. That knowing look of- "been there, done that." I got help and thanks to good health coverage, friends, family and loads of support all over I got help.  It was a very dark time for me.  I can completely understand how these awful "monsters" are created.  I was jumping into that abyss myself.  It made me not want any other children.  I have two now and dealt with PPD twice.

All that being said I thank you for this post. It aids in the fight against misunderstanding PPD.

Victoria Mason

The Mummy Chronicles

Mummy's Product Reviews

DC Metro Moms

I've never had a baby and therefore PPD.  And it happens often enough that you wish there was some magic pill that would stop it.  In this case, it seems that there was a history of mental disease on both sides of the family.  Given that, would it have been possible to remove the baby from the mother temporarily until she could get some help.

http://flightkeeper.blogspot.com ( http://flightkeeper.blogspot.com/ )

http://cutefuncool.blogspot.com ( http://cutefuncool.blogspot.com/ )

I survived PPD and was shocked to know so many women get it.  I later realized I had an undercurrent of undiagnosed depression my entire life, but never knew it.  Constant sadness and dissatisfaction, just to touch the tip of the iceberg. 

On the outside, I was as attractive, functional and upwardly mobile as can be.  Inside, a lonely mess.  As an African American woman, I NEVER heard anyone talk about depression, anxiety, therapy or even stress.  That was considered a whiney option reserved for the rich in Beverly Hills I figured. 

But when I had my sons, 18 months apart, I realized something was definately wrong.  It was like being in a deep dark hole with no hope of getting out.  Short answer: prayer, meditation, some talk therapy, determination to be a good mom to my kids and Reiki (energy healing) helped me to kick depression's fat, ugly butt once and for all. 

Now, 10+ years later, I help other women do the same for themselves.  We have to stay out of judgment and allow other women to feel like they can reach out without being ostracized for seeking treatment and support (instead of perpetuation the "Superwoman" myth created by men).  We need our circle of women to rally and help one another by talking and pitching in, in whatever ways we can.  ~MiChelle

This is a very timely piece for me. 19 months after my daughter was born I'm still fighting the PPD. Had I been left alone with her in the first few months, I can see how things could have gone very, very wrong. I too sought help, and I too did not receive adequate help. I was sent home with a clean bill of health.

Luckily, I have a very strong support network, and when things start getting cloudy (forget dark), all I have to do is a pick up a phone and call in the troops. I don't think I'd ever really harm her, but I wouldn't ever want to find out.

Most people hear these stories and wonder how a mother could possibly do such horrible things to her children. Quite frankly, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more.

 Jenny's Light raises awareness about Post Partum Mood Disorders.  www.Jennyslight.org ( http://www.Jennyslight.org ).

Julie Casserly, CFP

Author, The Emotion Behind Money

 Thank you so much for writing this. I was suicidal after my first two pregnancies, mosre so after the second than the first. And though I'd like to think I would have never really hurt my children, I don't ever really know that. It's a very dark place, one we all need to talk more about. I wish women who are trapped in this place can find help and get out, but sadly not all do.

 Summer

http://wiredfornoise.com

http://twitter.com/summer

I can see part of the title of the story in my browser's tab. I'd heard hints of it in Twitter. I just can't read that story. It's too gruesome, too tragic, and you're right. It's much much too close to home.

It's horrible how mental health is treated in society (I was going to say "our society" but it's far beyond just us). Anyone seeking mental health help has to be enormously brave to push past the fear of being labled, misunderstood, mistreated, and shunned. Even from their own family and friends.

Mental health issues run in my mother's side of the family, so I was exposed to them at an early age. And you know what? It made me that much stronger. Because I know that mental health is just as important, and just as treatable as physical health. (No, it's not all curable, but neither is a whole host of physical illnesses.)

Why all the stigma? I think you're right. Fear. Fear that somehow that could happen to me, to one of "us." It's so much easier to think it only happens to "them."

I tell you what though, I have additional respect for people who recognize they are having mental health issues and seek help for it. It's a huge step, and scary. But there is nothing to be ashamed of, and when you come out on the other side, it's so worth it. 

I'm speachless. I hadn't hear of or read that news story prior to clicking on the link. I too wish I could unlearn what I'd read. Thankfully, I think the article was very thoughtful in their presentation of the facts. So, so sad. That poor woman and what she will have to live with.

Ugh, how heartbreaking.

www.muddybootsblog.blogspot.com ( http://www.muddybootsblog.blogspot.com )

I couldn't quite distill my comment - so I blogged it: 

http://thismattersthisday.blogspot.com/2009/08/pos...

Thank you for your kindness and clarity.  

...when women feel they can't go get help because they fear being persecuted or compared to these "mommy monsters."

 I don't know if you remember the controversy last year over the episode of Private Practice that depicted the woman with postpartum psychosis. The issue that was raised was that the show made it out to seem like post partum psychosis is the norm and that any woman seeking mental help after having a baby is going to try to murder or abandon their child.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that any time a woman feels that she's in a hole she can't find her own way out of she should seek help. But it is issues like that raised in the episode of Private Practice, and real life issues like what you speak of in your post that do the women who need help the most injustice. We, as a society, tend to only see the worst in someone, even someone seeking help. And in the end, it's the children who suffer most. 

Thank you so much for posting about these issues and raising awareness. Postpartum depression IS fairly normal but should be treated - and postpartum psychosis only happens to a small handful of women, but if they were being treated perhaps it would be caught before any real harm is done.

Erin blogs at http://beatniksbeatonlife.blogspot.com/

That I understand where Child Abuse comes from.  I don't agree with it, and it is always a tragedy.  And I am blessed and thankful that my sane brain stayed there and prevented me from stepping over that threshold.  Unfortanetly, too many times those who ask for help don't get it, because, as you and others have said, we don't want to admit that it could happen.

 I do wonder if Otty had a blog, had the amazing support that so many members of this community provide, if it would have helped.  Because by sharing our stories, our frustrations, our lowest points, we find others that help us find the way back up.  I'm not trivializing her illness.  I just know how much this community has helped myself and others.

mamalang

I grew up with a woman who had killed her baby. She gave birth and her PPD turned into a schizophrenic break, while still in hospital. God told her to throw her baby out of the window, and so she did. I met her more than a decade later, before she got pregnant with her second child, and even though she was closely treated and monitored and taken care of, she was still afraid. I can't imagine being in her shoes. One thing I know for sure is that she wasn't a monster, that she was an amazing and troubled woman who I loved to excess. Great post, C. Mr Lady: whiskeyinmysippycup.com

When I worked as a victim advocate/crisis counselor I spent many rough late night hours in ERs.  One thing I noticed was that suicidal ideation was taken very seriously, but women who were schizophrenic or the like did not receive as compassionate care, treatment, intervention or evaluation. Treated much worse than even second class citizens, as though their psychosis made them less than human, and they were also assumed to be asexual and without partners or children. I wonder if people may be able to see themselves as becoming deeply and dangerously neurotic with depression or anxiety but have a protective definition of ourselves that says we won't become psychotic.  Victim blaming is a useful feel-good construct, sadly, to keeping that barrier up.

 Deb
www.debontherocks.com ( http://www.debontherocks.com/ )
www.hotblogstarts.com ( http://www.3smartgirlz.com/ )

www.3smartgirlz.com ( http://www.3smartgirlz.com/ ) consulting

We feel such shame at admitting that we don't feel for our baby everything that we've been told we should feel, that we harbor thoughts - unacted upon, but pervasive and upsetting nonetheless - brought on by frustration and exhaustion, that we need HELP.

This shame is exacerbated by prejudicial views of mental illness. It's why I asked you to open up your blog to me to discuss my own experiences - because I was too ashamed to write about them on my own site.

Like you, I received enough help and in a timely manner that prevented me from reaching the depths other women have.  But if we are having trouble with people passing judgment on you and me, it's no wonder women like Sanchez don't get what they need.

Thank you for your persistence in addressing this topic.

Julie @ The Mom Slant ( http://themomslant.com )

I think it's so important we talk about this without reducing these women into "monsters" which is an easy way to say "they aren't like us". After my 1st was born and I was suffering, tired, hurting, overwhelmed, I remember thinking "I could throw this screaming thing across the room right now." Thankfully, the "no you won't" followed closely on its heels, but some women aren't so fortunate and need a lot more help and support.

 I can't read the story of Otty Sanchez b/c I can't give my kids a bath without thinking about Andrea Yates---I'll just say that there were warning signs with Andrea Yates before that dreadful day. Warning signs that were ignored by many---I suspect there were warning signs with Otty too. May someone notice those signs before another baby (or babies) dies.

Fairly Odd Mother

http://fairlyoddmother.blogspot.com

This post comes just in time.  My PPD meds have recently just stopped working for me, and I'm back at that dark place I was before being diagnosed, thinking I can just work through it on my own.  I will call my doc tomorrow for an appointment *kiss*

You are my best friend and as such, when you tell me that the link is disturbing, you would think I would listen.

 Gah.

How I wish I could unlearn what I just learned. 

There is so much I wish I could articulate. But for now I'll froth at the mouth at the senselessness of the tragedy.

My heart is so heavy. 

Because people don't talk about it, things like this continue to happen.  Not everyone has the great support systems a lot of us do, and they fall through the cracks. 

I wish we knew how to fix this.  How not to have another senseless event happen.