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I don’t know how we arrived at the topic except that my sister and I were having one of those long conversations that touches all sorts of topics, political and familial, when somehow we arrived at the topic of sex. She told me how she’d lost her virginity. I was impressed with what she shared.
In fact, she didn’t lose her virginity, rather she planned its demise. She and her best friend in high school decided to lose their virginities on the night of their senior prom with their respective boyfriends. They researched birth control, determined appropriate hotels, and plotted how to actually get to spend the entire night away from home (not a fait accompli when they were seniors). They also got books on sexual techniques and ways to make the first time less painful and traumatic. “Be prepared” remains my sister’s motto although she was never a Boy Scout.
I was impressed with how thoughtful she had been about “losing” her virginity.
I, on the other hand, had two different virginity-losing encounters. The first was so painful and ineptly attempted by my then boyfriend (who may have also been a virgin at the time) that I waited over a year to attempt intercourse again. The second attempt succeeded but was no less painful and dispiriting as the first.
Whereas foreplay -- kissing, hugging, rubbing and so forth and so on -- had been quite pleasurable, intercourse was not. It wasn’t until well into my freshman year at college that sex became enjoyable and, truth be told, it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I actually found the intercourse part of sex fulfilling when I met a guy who was skilled, patient and experienced.
Despite the assertion of the lyrics in a song by Sade that say, “it’s never as good as the first time,” sex did get better and better subsequently. (Practice makes, if not perfect, certainly much better.) It has been my experience that most of the lovers I’ve had who were technically masterful weren’t particularly good as actual companions. But that may be just my experience.
I have come to understand the value of being highly discriminating when it comes to choosing when to become sexual and with whom. The sharing of DNA is not to be taken lightly or casually, and should not happen hastily or clandestinely. The physical and emotional consequences of sexual intercourse are significant. I have come to believe -– and I shudder to think how conservative this all sounds -– that we should give children information about sex, normalize it as a core human pursuit and activity, and discourage them from becoming sexual before college (at the very least).
Losing one’s virginity should be thoughtfully planned and should be treated with special consideration and leisure. It should occur in a suitably beautiful if not luxurious environment -– after all, once it’s gone, it’s gone (although there are now artificial hymens that can be purchased as well as medical procedures that can recreate an approximation of a real hymen –- yuck.)
As my daughter and son grew up, I talked to them about the birds and the bees and birth control. I talked to them about responsibility. I gave them access to books about their bodies. Despite what I think was my openness, neither of them talked to me about when they were ready to lose their virginity. I have a couple of friend’s whose daughters did inform them that they were ready to take that momentous step. While both friends were glad their daughters felt close enough to share the information, the discussions were still anguishing. As a parent, it’s hard to feel your child is ready.
I realize, that in the discussions my mother had with me, the many conversations I had with friends about “doing it” and in the information I gave my children, a discussion of the emotions that surround the sexual act were basically non-existent. To correct that, I wrote a post on my personal blog called, Real Questions to Discuss about Sex and Relationships with Teens. The questions are thoughtful and practical and sure to promote useful discussion with teens.
Related:
A particularly well-written and strongly-worded post, Like a Virgin, that appeared on BlogHer.com discusses what virginity means.
Virginity faces girls with some serious contradictions. It is something
