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Why do I let myself get into this rut? Why do I always give in to the irrational thoughts running through my head? Why can I never just be happy? Why do I always want something more or something better? Why do I always feel like I have to be in control of every situation, and if I am not in control my whole world will come to an end? I don't want to feel this way anymore but I don't know how to stop these feelings! One week I will be fine, everything will go great, and then BAM! it just hits like an unexpected tsunami and I feel like I am drowning in my own world!
I have come to the realization that I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I realize that if it's not about me, and I am not the center of attention or the top priority then I cannot stand it. I cannot stand being put on the back burner or feel like I am second best. Everything has to go my way or I feel like I have no control.
Lets take my relationship for example. I have been having a very difficult time these past few weeks, I don't know if it because I am afraid to get married or what, but these last couple of weeks have been hell for my finace and I
He has his own life that he is living, and I feel like I am not part of that at all, I feel like we do not have a life together, but rather a life apart. I feel that we should have a life together, that we should spend 80% of our time together doing things that we both enjoy. I know that this is an unrealistic expectation, and looking back on my previous relationships, this was never something that I had done. In my previous relationships we each had our own lives and then shared a life together. I don't know why this time around that is so hard for me to do! Why have I lost my self-confidence, why am I so insecure lately? I feel like I am crying out for help, but nobody is listening to me!
I know that I am the only one that can fix this, but I don't even know where to start! I just want my life back, I want my friends and my family, but even if I were to move back home that wouldn't fix everything, I need to fix me before I can make anymore life changing decisions. If I were to move back home I would still have my control issues.
I have always had control issues. For example if a boyfriend didn't do something I wanted, or didn't provide me with enough attention I would get angry, and I still to this day am fighting with that, except this time around is seems to be allot worse! I guess that is because before if I felt like I wasn't getting the attention I deserved that I would go seek it elsewhere, either through friends and family or just by looking for someone else all together. I no longer have my friends or family to lean on, and I do not want to go looking elsewhere for something that I have right in front of me, last time that ruined me, and if I did it again, I would end up worse off then I am right now!
So I need to figure out how to get through this on my own, but again I don't know where to even start! I have read so many blogs lately about life and relationships and they all to seem to have the same point, you cannot be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself, and that you cannot lose your individuality once you have gotten into a relationship, it is healthy for you to spend time apart. Well I thought I was happy with myself before enterting this relationship, or maybe that was just the adrenaline from feeling something new, feeling something
