Losing weight is not easy!

 Robin's view

 

So I've started the Mandatory diet period of my weight loss journey. It’s not as easy as it seems, thus why I need to have the DS surgery.

I'm working on getting more protein and reducing my carbs. I have improved my diet but WHY does it seem that I want to eat more now than before I was dieting? Why does dieting create so much stress around food and obsession about when to eat and what to eat? I spend more time now thinking about food, planning what to eat and then preparing the food, all the shopping and deciding, food, food, food. And why does everyone have opinions about my diet? IF I need their advice I’ll ask and obviously if I took your advice and it didn’t work before, why would it now? Another thing people say the dumbest things and I just want to smack them. I don’t buy into the notion they just want what’s best for me. I think they want to prove I’m wrong and they were right all along. I’d rather just wear a sign that says, “I’m fat and your right”.

So my biggest problem isn’t food, it’s the exercise. I can be extremely strict with my diet and then push myself to over exercise. In the past this is has been my go to tool to keep my weight down. Getting hurt and not having the ability now to exercise is depressing and it makes me feel trapped and a bit hopeless. If I can’t exercise how will I lose? I’ve lost 4 pounds in the last month and I’m so pissed. I want to head out and walk 5 miles a day regardless of what it will do to my feet or hernia. I don’t care if I break my feet.  I want to break my feet if it will help me lose weight and achieve the goal moving forward to surgery. This mentality clashes with the hard work I have done to learn self-care. The little me inside is screaming to cut the sh** and stop whining and just do it. It’s a battle every day not to sneak out and walk. It’s sick and yet it really is what I’m fighting right now.

My mind is racing with, you need new sneakers to walk. Is the weather going to be good enough to walk? I should just go swim and risk the hernia pain. Either way I shouldn’t do either but I can tell that my will power to protect my physical body and be responsible for my self-care is going to weaken and I will walk. But for today I am sitting and fighting that battle on the inside. 

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