The loss of Desire

In the proccess of aging, our labidos might tarnish.  Mine has.  But Mine has because of sexual abuse and promiscuity.  And that is what I want to talk about.  Age too is the reason, for with age, the more experience in life you have.  

I haven't alway hated sex.  And it wasn't till I was sadomized that I truley dreaded the deed.  But before the bad man I was seeing who I will say 'ruined' me, I was very paticular with who my body would let in.  I never knew that the whole time I had been fighting the negetive reactors in body, that I have been asexual my whole life.

I realize, I never have enjoyed sex.  I had sex because I thought that is what women were suppose to do.  In fact, before I lost my virginity, I told that boyfriend of mine when I was 15, that I would not have sex with him, but he still wanted to date me.  I gave in to him, and it was giving in too.  

The sodomy, made everything worse.  Now I have a hard time even doing it for a chor, so to say, to please my man.  All I want, is to have a healthy relationship, I have alway's been able to please my man, no matter if I wanted to or not.  But now that i have given myself to so many men in my life, I have a hard time giving myself to the man I love.

Asexuality is hard.  I love my boyfriend with all my heart.  I love to cuddle, and be kissed by him, and all the attention, but when the penis is involved, I want nothing to do with it.

I am glad I have figured out that when I was 15, I wasn't weird for not wanting to lose my virginity, I was just asexual.  

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