Love Appetite Lost
by Liz Rizzo

This is not a post about heartbreak. This is a post about what comes after. For me, for the past 7 years, what came after was, "Next!" I have been The Queen of Dust Yourself Off.

I thought that the day might come when I might declare myself "Done!" Storm away from love and romance and dating full of fury and disgust. In March 2005, I declared, "I am so sick of being single I could scream." It's one of those posts that still attracts visitors and comments from people going through where I was then. Today, I almost feel like, "I am so sick of relationships I could scream." Except that a statement like that would require a level a passion I simply don't have.

For a while, I found myself feeling very strange and trying to figure out how to express what I'm feeling. When I think about dating again, or meeting someone new, I'm not excited, nervous, pissed off, over it, angry, or interested. Honestly, I've never felt like this before. What was it? It felt familiar, but out of context.

The other day I realized that I feel like I've lost my appetite.

Like someone new could be the most beautiful banana split ever, with whipped cream and cherries and nuts, and when confronted with this person I would remember how much I love banana splits, maybe even want to still love banana splits, but be left with absolutely no stomach for one. I pulled my OKCupid profile. I couldn't bear it sitting there saying "in a relationship," but the thought of actually using it seems completely absurd.

I've completely lost my appetite for love, romance, and dating. It feels like the absolute last thing I could possibly desire to do with my time is go on a date with someone new.

I find that what I *do* want to do with my time right now is to do things. Clean and organize my new apartment. Write. Stitch. Read. Dust off the exercise equipment. Listen to music. Study films. Cook. Take a bike ride. Spend time by myself.

Not think about the whys or the whens or the whats. Just do things.

I find that I want to limit my time around other people, particularly large groups with lots of people I don't know. I've been trying to keep to intimate gatherings of established friends when possible. Not overload my schedule. Take it easy.

Try not to think too much about this strange new feeling of having no appetite for love. As a lifelong romantic it feels deeply disconcerting and uncomfortable.

I guess that this won't last forever. I guess it's a phase, like any other.

We'll see, I guess.

~

Linky Goodness:

No more tranformations - from BlueBirdEscape, who says, "I am tired of transforming myself all the time."

How to Get Over a Bad Breakup - from terryberry, lots of advice I'm not currently taking

Back In The Dumpster...Welcome To My Humble Home - the first post from Changing the Status Quo who got dumped and started a blog in 2007.

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 11:34pm

Comments

 

I hear ha!

Trust me......the appetite does come back....but maybe a bit slower than you would like.  I hung out with friends for a long time...met a great guy....but told him I didn't want a relationship.  I felt exactly as you wrote.....I just wasn't "hungry".......but as trust grew, my "want to" grew....and all the warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings came back....and I am happy...very...very...very..happy.   

Being single stinks at times...it is way harder than I anticipated...but it is much better to be lonely outside a relationship than lonely inside a relationship.  I am very glad I was tuned into my appetite and didn't force things along. 

Becky

Submitted by bec1987 on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 07:04
 

Thank you

It always helps to hear from someone who was where you are.  Glad to hear it passed eventually.  I definitely don't have it in me to force things along, that's for sure.

 

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 07:05
 

Etymology

My word-loving self directed me to look appetite up.  There's a slight nuance here, but it may console you.  "Appetite" comes from ad - (to)+ petere- (go to, seek out).  I think an appetite is a journey that requires physical and emotional involvement.  As we are only human, we get tired of seeking out and need to revert within.  Perhaps, you've shared too much of yourself and now it's time to rejuvenate, to check back in.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

Submitted by cluelesscrafter on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 07:12
 

Looking inward

I love that you looked that up. I definitely feel like I'm turning inward in a way I haven't before, or at least not in a very long time. I guess I need some time with myself right now, even if I'm not quite sure what I'm seeking.

 

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 07:14
 

I can totally relate... 

I can totally relate...  perhaps this is the opportunity / or realization that you have or are ready to really fall in love with yourself.... It has been for me. Perhaps you are similar and take care of everyone else first...  I find that I lost myself in making others happy (xhusband, child, boyfriends)  not knowing what really makes ME without a significant other...REALLY HAPPY.  I started to  take the time to find the real joy that I could create by myself... as I discovered a more "happy me" (by doing some of the things that I have been saving for someday)  the blankness  or lack of appetite for a relationship set in... I just didn't care anymore.... ... I LOST my "relationship agenda"..... It's funny my Dad told me a few of years ago that I needed to not have an agenda when it comes to dating... I could not at all understand how to make that happen... until I lost my relationship appetite....

I am dating again and it  is a very different experience... I always thought that I didn't need one... but in reality I did until now...    Its funny - without the agenda my dating experience is much different... and I find myself seeing someone for the past 6 months and enjoying the time together and the journey that has no destination...

Submitted by happynewlife on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 14:48
 

I can relate, too.For me, it

I can relate, too.

For me, it was a revelation that dating was doing me more damage than good. Not because the men I dated were bad, but rather, they simply weren't right for me and yet, while knowing that, I still pursued relationships anyway. I finally realized that I needed to fix myself so I no longer did stupid damaging things in the name of relationships.

It had nothing to do with hating men or thinking they were all scum or any of that.

So I worked on fixing me. That included taking up hobbies and interests and playing. Finding balance. Healing.

It was absolutely the right thing for me to do. I became much healthier and balanced as a result.

Now I'm married to a wonderful man who suits me. I wouldn't have been ready for this if I hadn't taken that time.

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court | LMAshton on Twitter

Submitted by LMAshton on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 18:59
 

Just two words...

Amen, sister!

Submitted by LunaChick on Fri, 11/13/2009 - 22:04
 

Am I the only woman on BlogHer that is happy
being single?

Hi Liz.  I think it is totally normal for you to feel like taking a break from dating for awhile.  I just don't understand why being single has to be viewed as a negative thing?  Is there some unwritten rule that says we need to be in a relationship to be truly happy? 

I've been married or in a relationship for most of my adult life.  But for the last five years I have been 100% single (single without dating), and I have no desire at all to date or be in a relationship.  It's actually incredibly empowering to not feel like I "need" to be in a relationship to be happy (because in the past I didn't always feel that way).  Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself being single for the rest of my life, but I also have no intention of dating anytime before my daughter is out of school (in 2 1/2 years).  The only thing that bothers me about being "happily" single, is that so many people seem to think I can't really be happy.

I don't mean to discourage you Liz...I just don't think the goal always has to be to get back on the dating horse asap.  It's ok to take your time.

Contributing Editor Catherine Morgan
at Catherine-Morgan.com and Women4Hope

Submitted by Catherine Morgan on Sat, 11/14/2009 - 00:02
 

"I just don't think the goal

"I just don't think the goal always has to be to get back on the dating horse asap.  It's ok to take your time."

I couldn't agree more.

Me, I'm a goal-oriented person. I had specific goals in mind when I went into therapy. I had specific goals in mind when I stopped dating. I had specific things I wanted to accomplish, and if I were never in the position to date ever again, I was fine with that. And it was what I expected - to never date again, to never marry. I was okay with that. It was more important, for me, to fix myself, to find happiness, joy, contentment, and peace within myself.

I happened to be ready for marriage 8 years later, but in all honesty, I was only ready for marriage with this specific guy because he is that compatible with me, that good for me, that able to deal with all of personal insanties, that able to increase the happiness, joy, peace, and contentment that I already managed to find within myself. Any other man and I would probably still not be dating.

I think that dating/not dating, marriage/not marriage, and pretty much everything else in life has to be a personal choice made consciously and for the right reasons. What the choice is and what the reasons are? That's up to the individual to sort out.

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court | LMAshton on Twitter

Submitted by LMAshton on Sat, 11/14/2009 - 00:26
 

Perfect Timing

Perfect post at the perfect time!!!!!!!! I was hanging out last night with my kiddos and their friends, and two things sharply struck me. One, that I was witnessing this insanely cool and funny banter that no one else was privy to- a little lonely to think about. Two- that the longer I am single, the less impetus I have to put myself out there to find someone to share little graces with. 

I have friends that love dating. They love first dates, first sex, getting-to-know-you moments and all of that. I have no hunger for it whatsoever. Hoping it comes back someday, as I do love lots about relationships, just not the awkward dances that precede relationships.

 

Thank you for your perfect timing with this post- refreshing to know I am not alone :-)

 

Robyn

everydayjillwentupthehill.blogspot.com

 

Submitted by everydayjill on Sat, 11/14/2009 - 06:49
 

Great discussion

 

Great discussion and one I've had with many girl friends. We've all come from long marriages or relationships and have been single for several years.  It seems like we all scramble at first to replace the relationship and felt we needed a new relationship because we'd tied ourselves up with being mom, wife and had lost ourselves along the way...but  then as time passed we rediscover ourselves and  found great positives of being single. After 4 years of being single I am having the time of my life. (occasionally we get lonely but the rewards we're finding far outweigh those few times)

No one to 'report' to

Have my own schedule (can turn on the light at 4 in the morning and read if I want to), stay in bed all day with a book and not feel guilty

Eat when and what I want, watch any TV show I desire, listen to my own music...you get the picture.

Buying and furnishing my own place was great---all my own choices and I LOVE it--no arguments over colors, furniture, prices, etc.

I pick and choose who I want to spend time with--everyone I connect with is someone I have chosen to be in my life

Here are some of the things we've all discussed:

1. Most men don't seem to be able to be faithful (I have been truly surprised when my ex-husband told me of friends who had been unfaithful...guys you would NEVER guess including one born again Christian family man preacher) and now that I'm divorced I get an earful of stories about unfaithful men (and was "hit" on by married guys once and I knew his wife).

2. As men age they seem to get more boring and require more attention (including medical in many cases) just when women are coming into their own. I was on a cruise with a friend and we watched the couples...didn't see any men that we would want to take care of or even be married to (noted couples "digs" at each other--when wives were involved in activities guys coming around (almost whining) that they needed to spend more time with their wives (and the wives were having the BEST time of their cruise without their partners just hanging out and having fun with the girls--lots of laughter was involved--people remarked that my friend and I seemed to be having the most fun on the cruise)

3. It's interesting when we do a "girls night out" the married women seem to be the ones who are most eager to get out and away for an evening and are the ones who most want to repeat it again.  Just invited a friend to a invitation only movie in a private Villa and said her husband could come too but she said "let's just make this a girls night out".

Sorry for the long post. I do date one guy who I've dated for about 3 years but it's a very occasional thing which seems to work very well for both of us. Some of these thoughts may have to do with age (I'm not in my 30's and 40's) and some may have to do with being married a l-o-n-g time.  This is just my 2 cents. Great topic

 

Submitted by jrockower on Sat, 11/14/2009 - 09:11