Love & Marriage

So I resisted.  And hired a private investigator.  And started doing some investigating on my own.  Snuck onto his computer, searched online for additional dating profiles, snooped in his livejournal account (he had a cute panda for an avatar).  I found out a lot.  (Later, I would realize that performing this investigation at work was a really, really bad idea.) 

Okay, so he was into leather.  (Cock ring attached to his biker jacket?  Yup.)  I didn’t really know what that entailed, but I confronted him.  He called me crazy, again, so I left.  But I was in looooooove…… so I went back.  Thinking that, in time, he would tell me his secrets – he just needed to trust me.  What a fool I was.

I remember one particular dinner with a bunch of guys that he had breakfast with every Saturday.  One of them was his “mentor” – I don’t think I’d ever seen Pete so quiet and obedient.  It was the strangest fucking thing.

At one point I thought, well if that’s the kind of thing he likes, maybe if I got into it too, he would open up to me.  So one night I suggested that we “play.”  I tied him to a kitchen chair and  (no really, I fucking did) … well I didn’t know what to do after that.  I bossed him around some.  We had sex.  It was boring and uncomfortable.  I much rather preferred a mutual jumping of the bones – discarding clothing as we made our way up the stairs after a night of drinking….  It was hot.

I thought sharing my experiences and fantasies was healthy.  I had had sex with exactly two women prior to that, and thought well…I must be a bisexual.  Several years earlier I thought I would shock my family by announcing it at the holiday dinner table.  They were just like, oh honey, you’re more of a drama queen than you are a Lesbian.  Hmm…

I realize that I’d had several conversations about it in Second Life.  At that point, I was trying to figure out who (in real life) I was talking to.  So I told a lot of “stories.”  Just to see what would come back to me.  One such conversation was with “Lana” again.  I told her about all the investigating I had done on him, including finding his dick pic attached to a profile called “BiWolf” (he claimed it was a tribute to Beowolf, his hero.)  I told her how our failed relationship was partially my fault, having always been so suspicious, I should have just recognized that he preferred men, and left.  That weekend, of course, all of the material I had accumulated on him during our marriage mysteriously disappeared – all of it.  Hard copies and on my computers.

Little did I know Pete would use my secret fantasies to his advantage later on.  And, that it was what he had planned all along.  Christ, he even told me in the beginning that relationships typically fall off into “routine” after five years.  Ours was no exception, I guess.  It was almost five years to the day that I wanted to discuss our relationship, and the feelings I’d been having about someone else.  I didn’t want it, I wanted us to be closer.  It was obvious that he didn’t – it was his opportunity for ammunition, for insurance so that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t leave.  That was the day my bubble burst.

Dear God, how could I be so fucking stupid.

I wanted to just leave it at that.  Erase the 9 years we were together, start over.  I let him have everything.  I didn’t even care that he had already listed himself as the owner of, pretty much all of our assets (stupid, stupid, stupid), including the mortgage. But…  you know.  He was pissed at having lost another wife to….well, to the truth I guess.  And so I spent the next 2 years in some kind of technological isolation.  Being tormented by real life colleagues and family, ex-friends that thought I was doing….something….to him, or to them.  Being ostracized by local society at …whatever the theme of torture was for that week.  Adultery?  Spreading STDs?  Having sex in general?  Being confused as a religious fanatic?   He and his cRonies hacked everything.  My SL accounts, my webcam, my iphone…   He made claims against my vehicle on our auto insurance policy under the guise of “helping me out” by keeping me on it a few months after I left.   He was very calm, and smooth about everything.  No anger, even agreed to trying to “be friends” (by that time I knew something was up on my technology, so I tried to appeal to any desire for “closure or moving on).

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