Love thy enemies

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⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[i] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Mathew 5   43-48

I always had quite a poor relationship with my Father.  To be truthful I hated him with a passion.  When I was little living at home my father was a very cruel man.  He was always quick to anger and at a moment’s notice he could lay a beating on you so bad that you were in agony for a week.  I still remember  these beatings in vivid detail and it has been  almost 28 years since I have lived at home.

We were always walking on egg shells around him so that we did not make him angry because we did not want to suffer his wrath.  My father was not a drinker.  He did not do drugs.  He was just naturally mean and a hypocrite, for beatings were often but a reading from the bible at the dinner table was a guaranteed must along with a lengthy prayer.

I used to sit and listen to the bible in disgust thinking that if there really was a God then he surely didn’t care for me because of the situation he was allowing me to grow up in, or he didn’t exist and dear ole dad was just blowing wind out his butt trying to make himself look all high and mighty. 

I learned not to trust anyone.  I learned that no one was going to look after me so I had to look after myself.  I learned to hate everyone  and everything.  I was full of rage at the world and my family, even my mom for she would leave my father with the 7 kids and then in a couple of months she would pack us all up and move us back telling us that dad had changed and it was going to be better from now on.  I am here to tell you it never got better.

I moved out of home when I was 16 years old and never looked back.  I rarely visited, and if I did it was for my mom’s sake only.

I got into some severelly  wrong crowds.  I became a very serious drinker.  I had two nervous breakdowns and two failed marriage.  I seemed to marry men that were exactly like my father.  What a vicious cycle!!!!!!!!  Because I had two breakdowns they put me on some very serious prescriptions that I quickly found out I loved because they numbed my mind and body.  I didn’t have to cope with anyone or anything and I didn’t have to evaluate myself, my life, and the constant emptiness that I felt.

One night I had finally came to the decision that I was not worth the air that I breathed.  I dumped all my pills on a table, filled myself a big glass of vodka and decided to put myself into an eternal sleep.  Just as I was about to proceed with my decision, and I don’t know why to this day  I decided to do what I did,  I said out loud to God.  “HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  IF YOU ARE REAL YOU HAVE DONE A POOR  JOB OF HELPING ME OUT HERE.  DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM GOING TO DO?  IF YOU ARE THERE AND YOU LOVE ME AND DON’T WANT ME TO DO THIS THEN I WANT YOU TO LITTERALLY TALK TO ME NOW AND  TELL ME  HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL”  Just a quick as I had prayed I had a verbal answer.  I don’t know if it was because I was drunk and just wanted to hear him, but I heard an actual voice that said I CAN NOT HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO.  YOU ARE SO FULL OF ANGER.  IT IS EASY TO LOVE THE ONES WHO HAVE LOVED YOU BUT IT IS HARD TO LOVE THE ONES WHO HAVE TORTURED