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I was sitting on the couch with my boyfriend. My 5'11" 165 pound ripped Marine. I was dressed in boy cut panties and a camo tank top. I usually am curled up in blankets, living in them really; this afternoon, as we lounged and worked dilligently, I was feeling particularly confident.
I'm slender but curvy, and as every curvy woman admits "even the most slender women with curves have cellulite." If you pick up the lastest edition of USWeekly, you'll find that Reese Witherspoon and other sexy beautiful celebrity women admited to not only having cellulite, but even Reese admited just how intimidated she was about Victoria's Secret women.
Well, confident me covered up quickly after my boyfriend told me to put something on. There is nothing more un-sexy and mood-killer express than a man telling you to put clothes on. Did he miss the step where he stares, swoons, and grabs, gropes, and caresses? Needless to say, it worn me down a little.
Over the past few weeks, I've grown.. out of character and self conscious. I've analyzed my body, grown frustrated with my curves, and wished I could be 5'9" keep my size 4 frame, and photoshop my legs to fit the image expectations of Hollywood, society, and mannequins everywhere.
Suddenly, I was cringing at the perfect sized nipples that face me on the television screen as we watch a size zero, perfect skinned, toned, and flawless breast shaped female seduce the man next to her. And when the movie is over, and I thank God that I can grow comfortable, I am proven wrong as Girls Gone Wild late night commercials go on and on, practically on repeat. Every single blond, tan, thin, gorgeous college girl censored in every scene.. Easily saught out on the Internet -- "which he'll do," I thought, "when I leave."
He didn't wait. He joked and smiled when the topic of porn surfaced. "Lesbians" was what he typed in next. Photoshoped, airbrushed, altered, "I cannot compete--fuck" images appeared and I wanted to vomit. Was he doing this to piss me off? Upset me? Was it conpletely unintentional with no thought or consideration toward my feelings? "Nice," I said, and went back to my paper.
Yes in the beginning, he fed my insecurities. A skinny girl with a chubby belly jogged by in a bra. I watched my boyfriends eyes, fire blazing in the irises as I watched his eyes remain on her. Nauseation hit me like a blow to the face, unexpected and painful. He made a remark of how stupid it was that she was wearing make up when she ran. But then he called her the P word.
Pretty. I hate that word unless it's used on me. I'm supposed to be the prettiest to him, the only one he uses it with. Call her hot, call her ugly (THERE'S a thought), call her something.. But pretty was an intimate word to me. And he was using it on another college female in her sports bra, glistening sweat, and.. Ugh. The vomit.
The final straw was when he turned to me, as I lounged there in short gym shorts, and told me my legs were "big compared to his." I slammed my book shut, grabbed my highlighters, and removed myself from the couch pissed and stormed over to the bed. He followed, and apologized. He reassured me and said it was just a comment.
"Fine," I said. And then I ran off telling him how scrawny he had gotten since he returned from Iraq, I made a comment about his penis (though it's that perfect size), his shoulders (though they were broad), and more. "How does it feel, huh?" His response was to tickle me -- which I love when we're okay, and hate when I'm genuinely upset.
Since this series of events, it has taken some time to feel sexy again around him. I'm working out as much as usual, personally satisfied, but still not feeling quite irresistible enough. I felt competitive with every actress, woman, on-line porn chick, and female stranger. I compared myself to women who were not even close to my body type -- yet when I saw women who looked like me, I thought "That's the ideal body type" ... Thin, slender, but healthy and beautiful, curvy and natural.
Yes, it is drilled into our heads that confidence is the sexiest thing. But, it's also been drilled into every females head to look, act, and dress a certain way. We do not want our boyfriends and
