That Loving Feeling

I blame it on the cat. I’d always wanted a pet. I always wanted a cat.

We got her and fell in love with her immediately. She can eat up my headphones, scratch up my couch, and whine at the top of her lungs late at night, yet still I love her. I hate cleaning out her litter box and she can be so demanding. But I love having her. She’s my baby.

And that got me thinking about real babies.

I’m not in any way comparing a cat to a baby. But maybe cats…or dogs… are the gateway drugs to motherhood. You take care of a pet and you love them so much, then eventually you want more. You want something, more like someone, to return that love.

I don’t want to want a baby. Since I was sixteen I have been anti having a baby. I really could not see myself being a mom. It seemed unnatural for me. When Jay and I started dating I would picture our children and it felt weird. I told Jay I didn’t want kids and he was on board the No Baby train. We’ve spent our entire relationship planning to not have kids. We’ve argued back and forth about which one of us were going to get “fixed”. Now these feeling are here and I feel like I’m thinking of pulling the emergency break and getting off this train.

I don’t know what brought this on. I just need it to go away.

I’m going to do the only thing I can do. Face these feelings head on. I don’t know if it’ll help. But maybe I’ll realize that having a baby isn’t for me…isn’t for us. Or maybe I’ll want one more. I don’t know.

When I wanted to get married I researched the cost of everything, everything it’d take. When I wanted a cat I researched everything about cats. So why not research everything about babies.

No thy enemy.


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