Lowest Common Denominator Diet Plan

I was checking out the super important news du jour (TomKat Divorce info) when I stumbled upon the "Best and Worst Foods to Eat on a Diet".

I'm always looking for healthy food ideas for my family so I checked it out.  And, I hope you're sitting while reading this - french fries are bad for you. Wait. What???? Starchy potatoes fried in fat and then dipped in sugary ketchup are not healthy?  GASP! Why have dietitians been hiding this earth shattering information from us? And, more importantly what Mensa candidate wrote this Pulitzer Prize winning article? I'll save you the additional shock by summing up the rest for you: Fruits, vegetables and healthy proteins like nuts are good for you. Fried food, processed food, food high in starch and soda are bad for you and will make you fat.

Have we really gotten to the point where society is so stupid that we have to dumb down EVERYTHING? Let me show you pictures of good food and bad food so you can understand what is healthy and not healthy. We don't want you to strain your brain by reading.  They should have titled the article: "If you crawled out from under a McDonald's yesterday then this is a guide to healthy eating."  I imagine they were trying to hit an overweight male 18-45 audience with the slideshow where I found it.  If I wrote the article for that demographic, it might go something like this:


Lowest Common Denominator Diet Plan

"Hey, Fat Ass.  Yeah, I’m looking at you.  And that’s a lot of looking.  Put down that potato chip and listen up.  And, while you’re at it, use that Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt to wipe the Cheez Whiz off your face while I’m talking to you.  Because you’re a giant pile of disgusting and it’s making me throw up in my mouth a little.  Don’t worry, your mom knows how to get grease out of cotton.  Ask her since you’re living in her basement.

See that bowl of ziti and butter you're stuffing your fat face with?  Think you’re eating healthy food because it’s just a small portion? Wrong. That butter alone is at least 200 calories – probably more like 500 with the amount the noodles are drowning in.  You’re eating white pasta and then dipping Italian bread in the congealing pile of fat beneath the carb loaded-nirvana.  That’s going to take you about 3 hours running on the treadmill to burn it off.  Still taste good to you?   You could eat an entire salad, big piece of chicken and a glass of wine for fewer calories.

Don’t you want to have a date, like, ever?  It’s time to make some small changes towards a social life.  One step at a time.  First, switch out Coke for Diet Coke. Yeah, it will taste weird for a few days – but it’s easier than going cold turkey off soda.  Granted, there’s artificial sweetener but like I said earlier – little steps.  Then change one of those sodas a day out for a water.  Over time drink more water than soda.  Step two: Change white starches for whole grains.  Sure, they taste like paste in pasta form –but you probably ate tons of it when you were in elementary school anyway.  Just use whole wheat bread instead of ginormous slices of sourdough. Start adding vegetables and fruits to each meal. Don’t get all fancy with them – brussel sprouts are something you work up to. Find some that don’t make you gag.  Eat them.  A lot of them.

Fried foods are bad.  Stop freakin' shoving them in your pie hole. Yes, french fries are fried. I mean, hello - they're called FRIES.  Mozzarella sticks are fried.  Fried chicken - you guessed it. Fried. They will kill you. Processed foods like hot dogs are nasty.  Eat them sporadically - that means not with every meal.  Try for once a week. 

Sugary treats are bad. Yes, that includes donuts.  I mean, does Homer Simpson look like he just competed in an Iron Man competition?  Joe Manganiello = hot.  Homer Simpson = not so much. 

Get your fat ass in gear. Stand up and move around while playing your Wii. (and that's not a euphemism for your wiener although that may burn calories too).  Start taking a small walk to the end of the road.  Do that every day for a week.  Add a few blocks on every week.  Stop spending your allowance on Big Macs.  You’re going to need it soon to buy some new clothes because sweatpants in public are just plain wrong.  And, before long, even you might start getting laid. And that burns a lot of calories. 

Dieting shouldn't be just living on rabbit food or cottage cheese.  It's trading out the crap for the good stuff and you have to do it over a period of time.  Because no one can make drastic changes to their bad behavior overnight. Just start slowly and remember: fruits and veggies = healthy, fried food and sugar = death."  When you can actually look at yourself in the mirror then buy a real guide to healthy food written by people who have actually studied this.  Unlike me.

My phone is ringing.It’s probably Tosca Reno calling to hire me to write health articles for Oxygen.  Oh, nope.  Just a telemarketer.  Weird.  I was so sure someone would want to hire me after such a motivational and inspiring diet plan created by someone who has no formal training in nutrition whatsoever.  Maybe they're just stunned speechless by the fantasticness of it all...Yeah.  That's probably it.





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