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I could not tell you why, but I recently became obsessed with the idea of a cage match between Blossom Russo and Clarissa Darling.
I cannot remember a single thing about calculus -- which I studied for four months during my freshman year of college -- and would be hard-pressed to correctly state my grandmother’s birthday, yet my brain is able not only to name two television characters from long-gone '90s sitcoms but also finds the space to store their respective physical and mental strengths in order to handicap the outcome of an imaginary fight. It’s incredible that I haven’t yet wiped out my basic motor skills in order to memorize more Bel Biv Devoe lyrics, or stopped my heartbeat by stocking my brain stem with potential band names based on my 6th grade stationery preferences (Lisa Frank and the Trapperkeepers, anyone?)
Watching an actual TV show takes so much less time than making a crappy-looking collage of TV characters' faces, it turns out. The More You Know.
Anyway, for reasons that, as previously stated, are beyond my control (or my therapist’s area of expertise), I have decided to take a poll.
Like the Heathers lunchtime poll, only these are admittedly stupid questions. Just like there can only be one Highlander, what if there could only be one of each TV character prototype? What if there could only be one angsty teen heroine? Or one nerdy, glasses-wearing sidekick? Or one bumbling, clueless principal?
(I have no idea what I will do with the results, other than use them to edge out stored data like the basic times tables and the ability to control my bladder. While I wait for you guys to vote, I guess I’ll stock up on Depends while I try to figure out why, exactly, I should never trust a big butt and a smile.)
So. You win five million dollars from the Publisher’s sweepstakes, and the same day as that big Ed guy gives you the check, aliens land on the Earth and say they’re going to blow up the world in two days ... unless you decide who’s the quintessential ...
What categories did I miss? Who
