Madonna. Malkovich, Kimye and Other Celebrities I Don't Want to Face on a Jury

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In unnecessary celebrity news, it seems that forever material girl Madonna ditched jury duty with a doctor's note only to reveal via Instagram that she's happily on holiday. I guess she needed just one day out of life (it would be so nice) and out of civic responsibility. 

This is a classic "stars are just like us" move, because who is exempt from 1) scheming to avoid a day spent in jury pool purgatory and 2) calling in sick only to be busted by social media? Madonna and me. Same same. 

Madonna
Image: © Michael Peake/QMI Agency/ZUMAPRESS.com

I know that stars are just like us, but it never occurred to me that they are so much like us that they could actually be our peers, as in "jury of our peers." In all likelihood a celeb with Madonna's massive and at times controversial profile would be eliminated during voir dire, but her predicament made me think about other celebrities and jury duty. Immediately I began formulating a list of celebrities I would NOT want to see on a jury tasked with deciding my fate.

Forget your laminated list. Imagine being falsely accused of a crime. Say an Oceans Eleven-style casino heist.  You've been framed (Clooney and Pitt are crafty like that) but the facts of your defense are convoluted and require a sharp, compassionate jury.

Who would you be petrified to see in the jury box holding the deciding vote to your freedom?

I would be begging my public defender to exclude these potential jurors:

Kimye

No way honey.


John Malkovich

Did you see that he's starring as Blackbeard in a new NBC show? If I faced Malkovich on my jury I wouldn't know if he was in pirate mode, if John Cusack was peering out from the portal while Being John Malkovich, or who knows what else.  Unsettling. 


James Franco

I'd rather saw off my own arm than have any part of my future in Mr. Franco's hands. Hand? Hands.


Jennifer Lawrence

I love her. I want to smell her nail polish and be her BFF. But I don't trust that she'd be a calm vessel of information acquisition on my jury. I'm sure she'd have adorable/viral stories to tell about her awkward utterances during the deliberations when she later talks to Jimmy Fallon, but that won't help me when I'm out of commissary money for ramen and have to eat prison lunch. 


Jon Hamm

Oh, okay, he can be on my jury. I just wanted to make a cheap "hung jury" joke. 

Think about it. In addition to Madonna, what celebrity would you least like to see on a jury of your peers?

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