One thing that continues to fascinate me about the whole Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal is the renewed vigor in which Americans are eager to frame women as either Madonnas (the good wife, standing by her man, a.ka. Silda Wall Spitzer) or whores (the slut; homewrecker; prostitute, a.k.a. Ashley Dupre). Can we not just accept that women are holistic beings, full of complicated desires and needs? Why is it that in order to be a good wife, we can't be interested in sex, and those who are interested in sex clearly are not wife material?

Ellie at A Bit of a Katie Girl said:

i am exhausted of hearing my choice to prioritize myself and my career questioned. i don’t want to see my friends open up lingerie and kitchenware at their wedding showers because i hate what that implies about a woman’s role in marriage. i don’t want anyone to tell me that i can’t do it all. i’m not sure if i want kids. i’m choosing not to marry young…and that doesn’t mean that i haven’t ever been asked. that i haven’t ever been in love. that i haven’t ever given up a relationship because i realized it was holding me back from the woman i’m meant to become. i hate that i live in a world where i have to see women like ashley dupre and silda spitzer suffer as a result of what can only be classified as gender violence.

Miri at Miripedia takes Ellie's analysis one step further, pointing out how women are pitted against each other in a zero sum game:

what really gets my goat is how this beautiful young girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, is being targeted as some kind of harlot or tramp. And by other women, no less. Mainstream news media have gone out in full force on the streets of America to interview women about their take on the issue, and many of them seem to think that this girl is some sort of demonic slut homewrecker.

…particularly here in America, with its dysfunctionally puritanical roots, where women have not only been systematically brainwashed into believing that their sexuality is a shameful, dangerous thing, but where modern day media and government have managed to convince us girls that we should try and break down our fellow sisters who own their sexual power or who possess physical beauty – that we should hate them and destroy them because they pose a threat to those of us following the patriarchal rules; because they instill feelings of attraction, lust and worship in others.

When we want to insult a woman, we call her a slut. Because sexual adventurousness or enjoying her body with multiple partners is seen as shameful and bad.

I'll never forget the one episode that I saw of The Sporanos. Tony was explaining why he frequented prostitutes instead of seeking a sexually satisfying relationship with his wife. He didn't feel that it was right for his wife to use the same mouth that gave him oral sex to kiss his children. This is exactly the source of the problem: men see their sexual needs as dirty and their partners are saints who should not be sullied by their man's animalistic desires. This equation, of course, does not even allow for the possibility that a wife (or other female partner) might have desires of her own.

Fortunately, not all relationships fall into the Madonna/Whore trap. Holly and Chad at Dirty.Filthy.Princess (tag line: "Monogamy – Not Synonymous with Monotony") have been showing how a married couple can keep each other happy in bed since 2005. Their healthy, honest, and open approach toward sex sometimes makes me blush, but always makes me appreciate the importance of communication in a relationship.

Thanks to Holly, I found more wonderful blogs that examine the complex nature of human sexuality. AlexSuze.com isa comprehensive sexuality blog with one of the most interesting (and cryptic) "about me" sections that I have ever seen. At Figleaf's Real Adult Sex, Figleaf and Kochanie are writing thoughtful blogs about, well, real adult sex and deconstructing myths along the way. Figleaf's essay on why he blogs about sex says it all to me:

As a woman you were expected to zealously guard your hymen up to the point you get married (whether you wanted to or not), and then upon receipt of a marriage license you were expected to turn around and let some guy pound away at it whenever he wished (whether you wanted to or not.) Looking in another direction men are expected to run screaming from the room if his wife puts his purse down too close to him. We're supposed to pretend that women faint at the sight of blood, and ignore that men are far more inclined to. We're expected to say we like oral sex even when we don't, and to say we dislike anal sex even supposing we do. We're expected to buy sudoku books with bikini models on the cover and to read Playboy for the articles. We're expected to gradually lose interest in our spouses and not to have affairs. We're expected to stress about unplanned, unwanted pregnancy and to see stopping to put on a condom as unromantic. We expect to believe men don't read romance novels and women don't watch porn, even though there's maybe a 30% crossover both directions. We expect women to depend financially on men and expect men to dump their wives for floozies at the drop of a thong. We're expected to think a model is sexy if she's in a Victoria's Secret poster at the mall, and we're expected to think a mom in workout pants and a sweatshirt isn't sexy if she's pushing a stroller. We expect men to take cold showers if they get an erection, and to take Viagra if they can't. We encourage straight women to kiss in bars, and actual lesbians not to. We're expected both to praise the miracle of birth and deplore it as the wages of sin. We expect young men to have sex they're not ready for, and young women to decline it when they are.

To be honest, I'm not always comfortable with my own sexuality, in large part due to the environment in which I was raised. Good girls definitely didn't, and I was a good girl, so what was wrong with me for wanting to have sex? The last thing I wanted was to be branded a slut. I'm glad that there are writers – especially women and couples - out there willing to share their lives and experiences, dispelling the notion that women who want it are bad people to be used and thrown away, and women you marry are sexless creatures who only put out to make their hubbies happy. Fight the Madonna/Whore dichotomy to live happier, healthier lives.

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants