Delicious
Digg
StumbleUpon
Facebook
Google
YahooI had coffee with an ex-boyfriend last weekend. My move featured technically two ex-boyfriends, though at the time I was in some pretty spinny denial about the one. Sometimes I think my life is kinda like "My Boys," but all the male friends are exes.
That's an exaggeration, of course. No way I'm as cool as PJ, and I barely remember the last time I hosted a poker game. Sigh.
Point is, I like to think I'm a practical person about these things. A relationship doesn't work, there's pain involved to be sure, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And it doesn't want what it doesn't want. Usually, there's not anyone to blame, and, assuming any bad behavior was of the garden nobody's-perfect variety, in the end you're left with someone you really cared about for a multitude of reasons. In my experience, friendships with exes can be wonderful, and certainly I am thankful for those friendships in my life.
Did I mention how I like to think I'm a practical person? Strong, swimming against the flow, making my own way despite societal conventions. It works so well for me. So often.
But I don't know where I am right now. I don't know who this person is I've become. It's absurd to me.
I tried to do what I always do. Like, OK, I'm not what you want, that's a fact, so practically speaking we should just shift into friendship. A little pain for me that I work through and...
Wow, I am in Total Fail.
A close friend of mine talked about friendship with exes like it's some sort of milk-for-free thing. Like, why should you give an ex the parts of you he does want, when there's parts of you (namely, the relationship parts) that he doesn't. I didn't like that. I didn't ring right to me. I don't think I could withhold my friendship like that.
But, I've had to admit that I simply can't do it. Be his friend. Right now, anyway. Theories aside - and man, do I love a good theory - I just don't have it in me. It's not what this heart wants.
I guess he does just want certain pieces. Friendship.
I wanted the whole package.
Conventional wisdom says that this phase will pass, and I will feel better. For once, I guess my bet is on convention. Because I really need it to be true.
There's pieces of him that maybe I don't have to lose. If only I can get there.
~
Linky Goodness:
From Erin Donnelly on LemonDrop - 6 Signs of Bad Ex Behavior -- and How to Avoid Them. Featuring "six common exing patterns to 86 from your life (along with that dude!)."
From Affair of the Heart on BlogHer - Ex-Files: Should you cut sling load and drive on? I don't agree with everything in this post, but I love this: "If the break up was a clean one, there is still a period of confusion. You know, that period of time where the two of you transition from romantic to platonic. The lines can get soo blurry when the break-up is fresh. Insecurities, sexual tension, questionable decisions loom over your head." Wise.
From Kirsetin on Blissfully Domestic - "Friending" Your Ex on Facebook. OMG, I have a ton of exes on my Facebook! lol
~
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
Sticky Wicket
Bill Cammack November 20, 2009 - 1:57am
It's definitely a dilemma. A lot of people are never actually FRIENDS with people that they call boyfriends or girlfriends. They had a goal they were attempting to achieve, something they were attempting to do with their time or their lives and they wanted the other person to fulfill that for them.. Whether it's sex or companionship or togetherness or being there for each other or whatever, it's what they wanted from that person and if they can't get specifically THAT from them, they don't want whatever else that person might be able to offer them.
OTOH, A lot of people start out as actual friends and add a romantic component to their interactions. When that romantic part is over, they can successfully revert to being friends because they always were and always will be. It's tricky. It also depends on nothing happening that changes the friendship during the "relationship". People find out more about people that they're dating than people they're friends with and that can definitely change one's opinion of someone.
The problem with your current phase is that you weren't ready for the relationship to be over, so for you, it actually ISN'T over, but he's acting like it is, and that's upsetting to you. Because he ended it, you're in a state of attempting to convince yourself of something you'd rather not accept as reality, that your romantic relationship with that particular guy is over. This is going to cause a form of 'negativity' towards either him as a person or as a concept because he bailed out on what y'all were doing TOGETHER.
It's like being in a foxhole with one other person in a war, back to back, each defending the direction you're facing and then you get shot in the back because that person decided to run away without telling you. If you live and you see this person while you're in the hospital, what are you supposed to say? It's cool that you flat-left me? It's cool that it's because of YOU that I got shot in the back? I forgive you for being a *****-ass COWARD? It doesn't work like that. Regardless of what you SAY, you're going to have negative feelings about being abandoned in the foxhole AND about being shot in the back when you thought your back was covered.
Those feelings could easily prevent you from being friends with someone that abandoned you. It might be a temporary feeling and it might be permanent. Time will tell.
~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com