Makes Friends With Exes

Bill - So much wisdom here. I'm definitely the friends-and-lovers type - I can't imagine being with someone who wasn't both. But the problem I guess is when you meet someone cold and start dating them, you don't have anything to go back to. What you had is just painfully, painfully dead. Who knows what happens next. Sigh. "it's obvious who's still in your corner after the fact" I like that. With The Actor, being in the corner definitely grew the post-relationship relationship from both sides.

Jaimes - Good advice. I almost feeling like trying to have negative feelings towards him would help, but I can't quite bring myself to anger. So focusing on me and my life is so much more constructive.

gorillalovesac - Definitely, friends with exes is not for everyone!

Patricia - I don't know if the "dating myself" idea really works for me, but certainly, I'm trying to just live with myself and be OK. I'm starting to feel better. Very, very thankful for that.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

Patricia brings up a good and relevant point.  I didn't mean to imply that I was friends with my exes off the bat, like it went from relationship right into friendship.  At least one person's going to feel hurt about the situation and either need space or act negatively for a time period.  When the dust settles, however, it's obvious who's still in your corner after the fact and for the most part, I've been the best and most consistent friend those gals ever had, to this very day, because we shared something great together and now we can be friends without the pressure of a relationship.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

I feel for you, sister! I too like the idea of staying friends with my exes, at least in theory.  But, especially after a recent break-up, your heart may need a long break from the person in order to heal.  That's just taking good care of yourself!

Some of my friends like to use the "I'm dating myself for a while" tactic, when they tire of the dating scene.  The idea is to treat yourself as nicely and do all the things you'd like to do with a date, but do them with yourself!

best of luck,

Patricia

www.marriagetoychest.com ( http://www.marriagetoychest.com )

I myself have  a li'l problem with being friends from exes.  I have some ill feelings for those that I had relationship with in the past. Its not my thing to befriend my exes.

__Gorillalove sac__ ( http://gorillabags.com/faq.php )

I feel for you. Logic works so well in other areas of our life, but not so in the emotions department. It's very frustrating. I've found the only thing that works in these situations is focusing on yourself. Take the focus off of him as much as possible. Not in a "i'm better than you" way; that's just bitchy. Working on yourself, your career, hobbies, etc, builds up your confidence, so you won't put off any "needy" vibes. Then, when you do hang out, he'll be reminded of all the things that attracted him in the first place. It may or may not rekindle your relationship, but at least you'll feel good either way. 

Jaimes ( http://www.byjaimes.com )

It's definitely a dilemma.  A lot of people are never actually FRIENDS with people that they call boyfriends or girlfriends.  They had a goal they were attempting to achieve, something they were attempting to do with their time or their lives and they wanted the other person to fulfill that for them.. Whether it's sex or companionship or togetherness or being there for each other or whatever, it's what they wanted from that person and if they can't get specifically THAT from them, they don't want whatever else that person might be able to offer them.

OTOH, A lot of people start out as actual friends and add a romantic component to their interactions.  When that romantic part is over, they can successfully revert to being friends because they always were and always will be.  It's tricky.  It also depends on nothing happening that changes the friendship during the "relationship".  People find out more about people that they're dating than people they're friends with and that can definitely change one's opinion of someone.

The problem with your current phase is that you weren't ready for the relationship to be over, so for you, it actually ISN'T over, but he's acting like it is, and that's upsetting to you.  Because he ended it, you're in a state of attempting to convince yourself of something you'd rather not accept as reality, that your romantic relationship with that particular guy is over.  This is going to cause a form of 'negativity' towards either him as a person or as a concept because he bailed out on what y'all were doing TOGETHER.

It's like being in a foxhole with one other person in a war, back to back, each defending the direction you're facing and then you get shot in the back because that person decided to run away without telling you.  If you live and you see this person while you're in the hospital, what are you supposed to say?  It's cool that you flat-left me?  It's cool that it's because of YOU that I got shot in the back?  I forgive you for being a *****-ass COWARD?  It doesn't work like that.  Regardless of what you SAY, you're going to have negative feelings about being abandoned in the foxhole AND about being shot in the back when you thought your back was covered.

Those feelings could easily prevent you from being friends with someone that abandoned you.  It might be a temporary feeling and it might be permanent.  Time will tell.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )