So, I am now coming to the part of the programme I was dreading. Making amends.

Eek.

There are 2 lots of amends in particular that I have been aware need to be made. Possibly because I really didn't want to even consider telling these people I am alcoholic. And they have been jostling for position at the top of my Step 4 resentments list for a number of years. Even before I had a resentments list.

They are my children's dad and his partner, and his parents.

We have all had various fallings out and cross words at different times over the years. But the biggy was 2 years ago this month when my dad passed away. My ex and I had an argument on the phone because, as I can see clearly now, he wasn't saying what I would have liked him to have said and I felt at the time he was trying to be controlling. And, being the defiant little soul that I am, I lost the plot with him. There was a whole hullaballoo of texts and voice messages because I, maturely, didn't want to speak to him since I wasn't getting my way. And didn't he know my father had just died when he was meant to have another 6 months to live? By fuck did the world owe me. And I took it out on him.

This all culminated in me, with drink taken, thinking it would be a great idea to phone him up and tell him that I wished he had died instead of my dad. And that I was sorry that of all the men in the world, I had picked him to have children with. And by the way, he needn't bother turning up to my dad's funeral the next day and he could just go somewhere and die instead.

I'm wincing just typing this.

I realise now that I am not a 3 year old. I have been given the gift of being able to articulate myself (most of the time). And when I am upset or even distressed, I ALWAYS have that split second of choice when I make a decision about what is going to come out of my mouth. I understand it is ok to be upset. Even angry. And distressed. These are normal, human reactions. And it is ok for me express how I am feeling. And it is fine for someone else to think I am wrong. I am learning, slowly, that I can assert myself and be true to myself without tramping on the right of others to do likewise. I aspire to be able to agree to disagree. To live and let live. Like so many other aspects of this programme, those things are against the grain for me. But I am aware and I am becoming willing.

So anyway, I can't tell you how relieved I was to find out that you don't have to make amends to people where it will cause harm to them or others. There is the potential for harm to my children and myself by telling their dad and his family I'm an alcoholic, never mind anything else. What if they try to take me to court and say I'm an unfit mother? What if they start trying to stick their noses into my life? Or insisting on breathalysing me whenever I drop the boys off to them?

I was less excited to learn that I myself do not count as an "other". And that the possibility of harm should not be used an excuse to shy away from making amends. What can anyone really do to me? Throughout my drinking, my nervous breakdown, my tumultuous relationship history - which everyone around me has known about - no one has ever even suggested I am not parenting my children properly, or has raised any concerns about my ability to care for them.

I talked it all through with my sponsor. And we read the 12 and 12 together about Steps 8 and 9. I swear he knew rightly in advance that P85 says this:

"The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meeting that remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet."

We agreed that my reasons for putting of the ex, the girlfriend and that parents were all based on my own fears and not on anything plausible. We also agreed that I would arrange to see my ex and his girlfriend together as a show of respect for them as a couple/unit. And an act of humility for me.

And - I swear to God, I couldn't believe this - within 10 minutes of making that decision, the phone rang. And it was my ex. Talking on the phone, in lieu of texting, is a new thing for us which has developed at the suggestion of my addiction therapist to keep communication more open and transparent, hopefully resulting in less stress for me. But it is still very piecemeal. My reaction on seeing his number lighting up my phone is still "Oh my God, what's wrong".

This time, it was just "Oh my God." Dropping opportunity into my lap.

So I have made my appointment for tomorrow morning. And have reassured him I am not pregnant or dying. I have re-read all the Step 8 and Step 9 stuff I have and re-listened to Joe and Charlie's Big Book Study on the subject.

And I'm dying with nerves!

But I know this is the right, and necessary thing to do.

And I'm not on my own.