Making an Announcement: Pregnancy after Infertility

I've been pregnant 3 times, none of which resulted in a child. The first miscarriage was so early I barely had time to get excited and tell my husband, before things went downhill. It was an awful thing to live alone in my grief, but I was in a way glad to not have broadcast that, after over a year of trying, I had failed so miserably at motherhood so quickly. The second time around, after having gotten great test results and seen that beautifully strong beating heart, we decided to tell people. Then we had to un-tell them, talk about one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, especially when I was so anemic that I could hardly stand. In the town where we live, it was hard but manageable. Every once in a while, I'd run into someone we forgot to un-tell weeks later and each time was a knife but people were real considerate and gave comfort when i was open about it and left me be when I wasn't up to it. In my hometown though, my mom was in charge of things and as best as I can tell, she talked about it all the time. Told everyone every detail of my newly-discovered fertility issues and surgeries and they talked about me amongst themselves. It was painful to go home and be in that atmosphere. The third time around, we told one or two people in each of our circles but on the whole kept things under wraps. When things went wrong, I had someone to listen to or hug me when I needed it and to change the subject or divert attention from me when I couldn't handle the conversation, but I didn't have to be the subject of public discussion. That worked best for me, but it's never easy.

I struggled so much with this one.  With my first pregnancy, I told ANY and EVERYone.  And then miscarried at 10 weeks.  This time, I banned my parents from telling anyone until I was 12 weeks, and then agonized on when I should tell everyone else.  When I finally told everyone at work, the comments annoyed me so much, I wished I hadn't told anyone!  I still have that unreasonable feeling that now that I have spilled the beans, something will go wrong.  Irrational, but that's the way I feel.  Even now at 14 weeks, I couldn't go on Facebook like everyone else and "announce" my pregnancy.  I took the cowards way out, and just posted a photo.   I wonder if I will ever be able to fully enjoy this pregnancy without wondering what if?

My husband told everyone about our first pregnancy.  He told his parents right away.  He told some friends when I was about 6 weeks along.  I told my mom around 7 weeks.  He told everyone at work at 10.5 weeks (on a Thursday).  That weekend, we lost the baby.  It felt so awkward to have to untell everyone.  I remember that one of my sisters and a friend of my husband's mom offered the best support and comfort.

For our second pregnancy, we didn't tell anyone about it, and it didn't go past 8 weeks.  I only told 1 friend immediately after, and a couple other friends a few months later.  I didn't tell my family at all, until we were well into our third pregnancy.  My husband told his sister, who is married to a doctor.  The brother-in-law was kind enough to find us a good specialist.

 For our third (and only successful) pregnancy, I didn't tell family until after 13 weeks.  I told people at work around 19 weeks - after hearing for several weeks about how my charming coworkers were discussing me behind my back.  There were apparently many "she's not fooling anyone," and "it's so obvious she's pregnant, why doesn't she just say something" comments - even though they were all privy to my first miscarriage.  I had not intended to say anything at all - I told my friends that they would know about my next pregnancy when they received the birth announcement.  My husband didn't really want to acknowledge the pregnancy much - I had a ton of ultrasounds and he didn't go to any of them because he was afraid he would jinx things.

For our latest pregnancy, it didn't last long enough to sink in.  But in that few days, my husband just about said something to his parents.  It's not that I don't think people care or want to support you if something goes wrong.  I just find it uncomfortable to receive sympathy and would rather not deal with that while I am already dealing with something devastating.  Now, if I could just get my husband to stop talking about it...

FeeFiFoto

I went through infertility treatments as a single mom by choice.  This meant that I wasn't able to tell most people a) that I was trying and b) that I needed fertility treatments.  I hid in my house during the treatments; I actually told one of my mother's friends, when she asked what I'd been doing with myself, that I spent all day looking at the calendar.  She thought that was a very funny joke, but it was actually true, since I spent most of the day trying to keep track of medications and procedures.

Once it worked and I was pregnant, I still wasn't comfortable telling people, because I was afraid of all the explanations I'd have to give if I miscarried.  Now I was home sick all day, looking green and pasty, and canceling lunch dates and appointments right and left.  Eventually my sister told me I wasn't fooling anyone by wearing loose clothing, and at about four months along I began telling friends and family; many of them were relieved because they'd thought I was seriously ill or dying and hadn't wanted to ask.

Pregnancy after infertility comes with just so much pressure and indecision - when you tell, what horrible things might happen after you tell, how everyone will just get in your business. While it should be exciting, it's actually terrifying, and something you can dread. It comes with a lot of 'weight'. I can however say that it gets easier and more exciting... it just takes a long time to adjust to being as normal as you want to be.

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I say this from the perspective of someone who had it go wrong very very very late (my daughter died 5 days after she was born).

The upside of being open to many is that, in the event of things going wrong, support can come from very unexpected places.

The downside of being open to many, and things going wrong, is that you get a lot of very dumb comments said with good intent, but that leave you empty and disappointed.

You can never quite predict who will deliver which kind of support. Sometimes (not always) my greatest disappointment has been with offhand comments from friends and my greatest encouragement from strangers.

If pregnant, I probably wouldn't tell for a while, mostly because I know that I've got what I need to go through both a pregnancy and a loss , but, like you Mel, I need my energy to be on doing it, rather than reacting to others reactions.

I would make sure I told someone early on if I knew they were going through infertility.

But, I imagine how hard it would be. I've never been pregnant and don't have any children. I know a lot of people wait until at least the 3rd or 4th month to tell people because the miscarriage rate goes down after that. But, I imagine if you've had a loss it would be that much harder. Plus, it's not really anyone elses business anyway.

I've never dealt with infertility or miscarriages or anything of the sort.  I'm fortunate.  So I can't really relate, nor do I pretend that I can.  This post gives me some valuable insight for those who have.  Thank you for that. 

You always want to be sensitive, understanding and say the right thing, but that can be difficult when you really don't understand.  Usually I just admit my lack of understanding but express that doesn't mean a lack of caring.

I spent less time wrestling with my fertility than many woman I know, and all of that before the internet, but I don't tell.

The first time I was (finally) pregnant, I miscarried two days after telling, at 11 weeks. Yeah, as a grown-up I know it didn't cause it. But the grown-up didn't get much of a say. My mother in law at the time greeted our news of the loss with loud relief, and a lecture about how unready we were to be parents. I wouldn't have told that woman the sun would rise, thereafter. She equally made my SIL miserable after an early loss by flying out to "support" her, so there really was no way to win.

Second trimester, after 14 weeks of barfing, I may tell someone. Like my husband. After 20 weeks I can sleep a bit. By the time strangers are stopping me to guess the gender my friends know. During my last pregnancy a dear friend of mine got pregnant at almost the same time. She announced it when she was about 4 hours pregnant, took over my baby board (where I was posting anonymously) and lost the pregnancy about 4 weeks in. I only told people I was pregnant because otherwise it would have been hard to explain the new baby.

And I won't start a baby gift until I SEE a baby. I'll come to the shower and ask you what color you want the layette. That takes nerve for me.

I don't do names until the children are a week old. 

http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who

With our first, we told before the first doctor's appointment. We were THRILLED. That pregnancy didn't go beyond 11 weeks. Blighted ovum. The second one that made Alex, we did wait a bit to tell extended people but the immediate family knew around 7 weeks. Both of my parents were ill. Both had gastric by-passes that landed them both with multiple surgeries and comas. Once they were home or close to it, I decided to tell them. My mother's condition improved after she knew. Also, I figured that if things did go badly again that I would want these people there to support me as I did the time before. Of course the pregnancy went swimmingly and I now have an almost one year old. I think with the next one(s) we will tell right off the bat again. No sense in wasting joy again!

The Bohemia Momma

When did we tell? Some people as we saw them in person throughout the first trimester (none before 9.5 weeks), but most friends and all family will be told this weekend (gasp!) now that I'm into the 2nd trimester.

One aspect you haven't mentioned, which we're anticipating from some family members, is that when you wait to tell, people may resent not having been told earlier. I can list prior miscarriages and wanting to tell in person as legit reasons, but in the end the true reason for certain family members (which we won't actually say to them) is, "We're not that close to you and didn't really want to deal with your reactions. We're only telling you now because we have to." The same goes for their inevitable questions about why we didn't disclose infertility over the past 7 years -- because it's not about them, and instead of being helpful they would have made things worse.

I'll let the blogosphere know next week if my worst case scenarios turn out to be true, or if it was all just the imagination of a girl with too many years to ruminate about such things.

http://babysmiling.wordpress.com