Making it work
by HeatherB

There’s this debate that has been going on for ages. I’m pretty sure since the book of Genesis or so it seems. A debate in which both sides seem to think that their way is the right way. Nay the only way to do things and those on the opposing side are just lost souls who are obviously illiterate and uncaring. It’s the debate between working moms and non-working moms. Which is the RIGHT decision and therefore the only decision.

Given that I am not a working mom or a mother at all, my eagerness to even remotely step lightly on this issue seems a bit like swimming in a pool full of malnourished sharks. I will most likely be eaten alive and quickly at that.

It’s always been in the back of my mind only to be brought to the light a few weeks ago while sipping wine at Susan Wagner’s kitchen table. Her children had just gone to bed and I sat there pretty much in awe for I was exhausted. This, by the way, had nothing to do with my four hours of sleep the night before, for I am young and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound on a single venti green tea. But after bearing witness to what she does day in and day out, I wanted to crawl under the table and nurse myself to sleep with that bottle of chardonnay. I really was baffled at the idea of being home with two people in constant need of attention all day long and then having to cater to their every need from sun up to sun down. It just gives me a headache. I also may or may not have declared in a mall play place that I would most definitely be having a tubal ligation in about a week. Maybe.

On the flip side, I was raised by a single mother. My father lived 15 minutes away but they both worked and my mother traveled worked the same hours and traveled just as much as I do. And please see my bedroom for an idea of what three months of travel, while only having myself to deal with, can do to one's life. The more I thought about it, the more horrified I became, because going to work every single day and traveling only to come home to needy children who wanted time and attention almost drove me to tears, because that scenario is as unfathomable as the previous one.

I’m the first to admit that after a very long and often atrocious day at work, I would often have to go baby-sit to compensate for the money that I was not getting from my real job. And I would get to my destination irritable and tired and this is why most parents I have baby-sat for think I have a “no bull shit” policy. Not because I’m strong and able to keep children in line with a single glare, but because after 6 PM my bullshit threshold is at absolute bottom. Seriously just thinking of it now all the evenings my mother would come home at 6:30 PM and be exhausted and we’d be all in her face and demanding makes me ill. I want to hug her and apologize profusely and maybe encourage her to start drinking wine.

It’s obviously far too early for me to be at an impasse of not knowing how these things will go or even IF I’ll have children to worry about (that’s a lie, I am having children there’s no question in that). I can’t say which is the right way because I’ve never been in either situation, but what I can most definitely and unequivocally say is that a mother knows, from some super 6th sense after childbirth, how to just make things work. It doesn’t matter whether she stays home or she doesn’t. She makes the best decision for her family and for her own well being to make things work. So kudos to any women on either side of the fence because if you haven’t heard it yet, you’re most likely doing one hell of a job. A job that at this point in my life seems overwhelming and scary but I feel as if those instincts will kick in and I too, will make it work.

Submitted by HeatherB (view blog) on Mon, 08/13/2007 - 15:36

Comments

 

I found it energizing

At age 23 I definitely was not interesting in having children. I didn't make up my mind until I was 32. I liked it so much I did it again when I was almost 38. I worked the entire time. Here's the secret( I think) .when you have children what seems like sheer chaos,annoyance and an energy depletor to the outside world can actually serve as an energizer. I think it has to do with unconditional love.
Now, does that mean I was never exhausted when I came home and wished I didn't have to do anything but veg? Of course. I had my moments.

But for me, being with my kids when they were young gave me my second wind and helped put life, work and the world in perspective. Which is a good thing because many a night after they fell asleep I did my second shift of work.

Now that I will be an empty-nester in several weeks I only look back at those days with fondness . And with no regrets. I worked a lot and I cherished the time I had with my kids.
elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

Submitted by Elana Centor on Mon, 08/13/2007 - 15:43
 

Young Women Can Change This Ridiculous
Debate...yes Ridiculous!

Hugs, kisses and Mama spit to you for acknowledging the roles of mothers. All mothers are working mothers! It is up to you and other young women like Elana to shift this conversation. All willing mother's work is hard and challenging and joyous. When I hear women pitted against each other on the "stay-at-home vs. the Out-of-the-home mother I want to SCREAM. Here is an issue that if women wrapped their arms around could change the world. Imagine if women supported each others roles, there would be respect for women who hold it down at a 9 to 5 and Women holding it down on the home front. There is no better than, there are only women who are mothers trying to make a way for children in this world.

Love,
Babz
www.lovebabz.blogspot.com

Love,
Babz

Submitted by Lovebabz on Mon, 08/13/2007 - 17:26
 

we should change things

And if we women all banded together and supported each other, maybe staying home for a while before going back to work would NOT put us off track in our careers, either. If we demand that companies not penalize us for raising our children, maybe it would matter less that we took one or two or ten years off. Yes, there is a learning curve when heading back. But have you seen the news of some companies that are helping women keep in contact when they're on leave so they aren't so behind when they come back? (I'll have to try and find the article I just recently read on that.)

Becky
http://misspriss.org

Submitted by lolagoetz on Fri, 08/17/2007 - 09:55
 

Well said!

You have done all women-not just mothers-a huge service with this post! Ultimately it is about doing what is best for you and your family. Sometimes I find myself feeling badly for people who have chosen not to have children because I know what joy mine have brought to me. Then I remind myself that I am putting my feelings onto someone else, and that simply isn't right. The same goes for what you've said here. Do what's right for you, but don't think that what you've chosen is right for someone else.

Thanks, again, for a truly thought provoking post!!

Submitted by depechemom on Fri, 08/17/2007 - 20:49
 

A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do

I didn't know the strength I had or the capacity I could develop until I had children.  I did what I had to do for them.  They didn't ask to be brought into the world and so they often gave me the incentive to do more than I thought possible.  It wasn't fair but it was the way it is.  I don't regret it at all.

I worked after my children were 3 and 5 respectively.  I've worked very demanding jobs since they were teens and after they launched into their adult lives.  I've watched friends with no children work their arses off.  What I've learned is that you should do the best job you can at the many roles you have, but realize that work doesn't care about you, it just cares that you do the work.  People have a short period of time to be children, looking to be producted, nurtured and loved by the people charged with doing this for them. 

Having the most stuff, having everything material you want, nothing substitutes for having satisfying relationships.  If one wants to live in the big city and one is able to pinch pennies until they holler and work with others to seek out all opportunities and ways to cut corners, you can have a grand life on little money.

Thanks.

Candelaria- Good and plenty!

Submitted by Candelaria Silva on Wed, 05/28/2008 - 10:26
 

A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do

I didn't know the strength I had or the capacity I could develop until I had children.  I did what I had to do for them.  They didn't ask to be brought into the world and so they often gave me the incentive to do more than I thought possible.  It wasn't fair but it was the way it is.  I don't regret it at all.

I worked after my children were 3 and 5 respectively.  I've worked very demanding jobs since they were teens and after they launched into their adult lives.  I've watched friends with no children work their arses off.  What I've learned is that you should do the best job you can at the many roles you have, but realize that work doesn't care about you, it just cares that you do the work.  People have a short period of time to be children, looking to be producted, nurtured and loved by the people charged with doing this for them. 

Having the most stuff, having everything material you want, nothing substitutes for having satisfying relationships.  If one wants to live in the big city and one is able to pinch pennies until they holler and work with others to seek out all opportunities and ways to cut corners, you can have a grand life on little money.

Thanks.

Candelaria- Good and plenty!

Submitted by Candelaria Silva on Wed, 05/28/2008 - 10:26