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Sparkle (1)
Dear Child-free ladies: So you’ve decided children are not for you. In fact, shows like “Nanny 911” and “Supernanny” make you want to retire those fallopian tubes indefinitely. But even as you laugh cynically at stories of “mombies” and “helicopter parents,” your good friend just had a baby. She may be exhausted and full of enthusiasm for her Diaper Genie, but she has also never, ever shamed you or pressured you to follow her lead. In fact, the same smug jerks who tell you that you’ll never be self-actualized unless you breed are the ones confronting her in the market for daring to buy 2-percent milk (Children need full milk, you know. And it better be organic!). You owe it to her to support her choice and try to get to know her kids. Most of all, you have to realize she is now a package deal. Spouses may come and go, but parenthood is forever.
Child-free friend: Some CFBCers have experience taking care of kids, but many don’t. I’m one of them -— I’ve never even been a babysitter! That’s why I’ve never offered to sit with your kids or change diapers (though I’m pretty sure I could feed them). Do you resent me for never offering? Should CFBCers offer, even if they have zero experience and not a lot of desire?
Mom friend: I have personally never had the expectation that any of my friends would babysit -— including those who have children. The same goes for changing diapers. And I don’t think friends should be expected to offer. A babysitter is a paid position, someone you can freely ask to respect your parenting whims, like microwaving the milk in the Pyrex glass instead of the plastic sippy cups. It would be awkward for me to put a friend in that position.
That being said, I am very appreciative of an extra hand if I’m out with a friend and my kids are with us. Doing anything in public with children is overwhelming and exhausting, and it makes it more stressful when you’re with someone who gets twitchy when your baby cries in a restaurant or doesn’t offer to watch the kids for five minutes so you can go to the bathroom. But I realize that this may not be intuitive for people without kids.
Child-free friend: Okay, so the worst has happened; I don’t like your kid, and your kid doesn’t like me. Is that a friendship deal-breaker? I realize this comes up between friends who are parents, too, but somehow, not liking someone’s kid when you don’t have kids yourself immediately makes you feel like a child-hater.
Mom friend: This would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. I think it’s impossible for parents to be completely objective about their children. Many of us kind of see them as extensions of ourselves and reflections of our parenting -— particularly when they’re very young. I would be deeply hurt if a friend disliked my child.
However, I think all children annoy adults at one time or another, and it’s a parent’s job to be sensitive enough to try to mitigate it or make the behavior stop. If your little darling is being rude or disrespectful to your friends, he or she needs to learn that such behavior is NOT OK. But if an adult has an issue with my child’s basic character, I would hold the adult responsible for not being mature enough to find something to like about my child for the sake of our friendship.
Child-free friend: So you just had your baby a few weeks ago, your parents are back home and you’re fairly recovered from the birth. However, baby’s colicky and won’t nurse and spouse is cranky and you’re exhausted. Do you even want to see or hear from child-free friends? Should I keep in touch regularly, even though I may be calling when you finally have a chance to nap? How much contact is too much contact? And if I haven’t met the baby, is it uncool for me to push for it to happen sooner rather than later?
Mom friend: Sure, I want to see you and hear from you! Just don’t expect me to cook, clean, or do anything remotely host-like this soon after I’ve had a baby. Drop by for half an hour. Feel free to bring food. Ask in advance when “nap time” is, and
