Mama Penguin

“I don’t know how you do it.” “You are so strong.” “It’s inspirational, the way you keep going. If it were me, I would have given up a long time ago.” These are things that I often hear. Strong? I don’t know about that. I try not to drown in sorrow. I try not to be negative. I try, with all of my might, to be hopeful and positive. But these are choices I make every single day. It doesn’t just come naturally for me, in spite of the impression you may have gotten. I do the only thing I can do that is within my control. I keep going. I enjoy life. At the end of the day, I recognize that I have a lot to be thankful for in spite of this piss poor hand I’ve been dealt. Inspirational? I don’t really grasp that one either. I don’t think that anyone knows what they would do if they walked in my shoes. It’s not inspirational to have been born with dysfunctional ovaries. It’s not inspirational to want to be a mom. What I see and hear constantly is that it is a normal and expected desire for a woman to want to experience motherhood. It’s really not out of the ordinary at all. I once heard this comment, “If it were me, I don’t think I would feel the need to go through fertility treatments or adoption. I think I’d be okay with not being a parent.” This person is now a parent. I guess this person was denied the opportunity to show how bad they really wanted it. Have you ever seen March of the Penguins? If you have not seen this nature documentary of the Emperor Penguins of Antarctica and their annual journey to their breeding grounds, then you have missed out. This documentary does a beautiful job of portraying just how strong the natural instinct to parent really is. There is a part of the film when a mother penguin loses her chick to a particularly harsh storm. She is so devastated and out of sorts that she tries to steal another mother’s chick. When I saw it I cried tears of deep sadness. I have experienced emotion on that level on more occasions than I care to recall. Sometimes it comes and goes. Sometimes the sadness stays and eats away at my soul. I saw the film years ago and, to this day, I am sad for that mama penguin. I feel her pain. Why am I inspired to write this post today? Why now, days before Christmas? Truth be told, it’s been a good week. I feel strangely at peace. I say strangely because the injecting of hormones into one’s abdomen has been known to take a toll on one’s emotional well-being. The holiday season in general with all of the “mother-an-child-a-baby-changes-everything” and other sentiments smacking you in the face at every turn, can be tough on someone who has empty arms and a broken heart. I am inspired to write this because I need to put this out into the universe. I need to be clear that, even though I have prayed the same prayer for the past six Christmases, that I am ready. I am ready for my baby. Please, Lord, hear my prayer. Send me my baby to love. Mama Penguin doesn’t want to have to steal one. PS. I promise I have no intention of stealing someone else’s baby. This is just the sort of thing that could get me featured in a sensationalized news documentary of crazy women with my mugshot displayed on your t.v. screen. The whole stealing a baby thing was purely for literary effect. Come on over to to learn about how I am in the process of becoming a mom in a most unconventional way, all with a healthy dose of humor.

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