Man alive. Welcome to the dodgy jumper club
Last weekend I was visiting my cousin Jane and cooing over her five-week-old baby, Mitchell, when she asked if I wanted to see all the lovely baby things that she had been given.
"Yeh, cool bring 'em out," I said enthusiastically because I love 'stuff', especially when it's free.
Jane hauled out a huge bag of brand new baby things, and we oohed and aahed over the little booties, romper suits and cute hats.
Then suddenly I saw it; "Jeez Jane. What the BLOODY hell is that?" I asked, recoiling and pointing at the item in her hand.
"It's supposed to be a jumper; it was given to me by one of my out-laws," she replied holding it up for me to see.
"Shit mate, you can't dress Mitchell in that," I said, aghast, "that's the kind of garment that his baby mates will never forget and he'll have his pocket-money stolen for his entire life."
I took it out of her hands so that I could examine it at closer quarters; "it's got loads of holes in it, I pointed out, "and the seams don't match up. And I'm no expert but it looks like it has been constructed using the pearl one - knit one method."
"That's because it's homemade," replied Jane.
"UGH! Homemade!" I shouted, subconsciously flinging the jumper down, "for crikey's sake, how long has she been knitting?"
"To be fair, she is a beginner," replied Jane, "but to be honest, I don't really think she has taken to it."
"No shit, Sherlock," I said, before adding, "there is NO excuse for Mitchell wearing homemade clothes now that Gucci have introduced a babies collection."
"Totally agree with the Gucci thing, but I have a dilemma," Jane continued.
"What's that then?" I asked.
"She [the knitting woman] is coming round to visit next week. Do I dress Mitchell in the jumper or not?" she asked.
Annie (Lady M) x