Man alive. Welcome to the dodgy jumper club

Last weekend I was visiting my cousin Jane and cooing over her five-week-old baby, Mitchell, when she asked if I wanted to see all the lovely baby things that she had been given.

 Pic.No.1 This is a picture of Mitchell. Even though he has just been born, he is quite clearly thinking 'are you looking at me or chewing a brick? Either way you are gonna lose your teeth.' Babies these days don't know they're born. I was working down the pits and eating coal when I was his age


"Yeh, cool bring 'em out," I said enthusiastically because I love 'stuff', especially when it's free.

Jane hauled out a huge bag of brand new baby things, and we oohed and aahed over the little booties, romper suits and cute hats.

Then suddenly I saw it; "Jeez Jane. What the BLOODY hell is that?" I asked, recoiling and pointing at the item in her hand.

"It's supposed to be a jumper; it was given to me by one of my out-laws," she replied holding it up for me to see.

"Shit mate, you can't dress Mitchell in that," I said, aghast, "that's the kind of garment that his baby mates will never forget and he'll have his pocket-money stolen for his entire life."

 Pic.No.2. Blimey, I consider myself lucky to have been dressed in sackcloth as a baby

I took it out of her hands so that I could examine it at closer quarters; "it's got loads of holes in it, I pointed out, "and the seams don't match up. And I'm no expert but it looks like it has been constructed using the pearl one - knit one method."

"That's because it's homemade," replied Jane.

"UGH! Homemade!" I shouted, subconsciously flinging the jumper down, "for crikey's sake, how long has she been knitting?"

"To be fair, she is a beginner," replied Jane, "but to be honest, I don't really think she has taken to it."

"No shit, Sherlock," I said, before adding, "there is NO excuse for Mitchell wearing homemade clothes now that Gucci have introduced a babies collection."

"Totally agree with the Gucci thing, but I have a dilemma," Jane continued.

"What's that then?" I asked.

"She [the knitting woman] is coming round to visit next week. Do I dress Mitchell in the jumper or not?" she asked.

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So my dear reader, I did not answer her question because I want to hear what you would do. Should Mitchell wear the jumper...... or not? Hmmmmm?! And can you beat this jumper in terms of crap baby-presents? I throw down the gauntlet!

Annie (Lady M) x

Anne Dickens | The day after yesterday

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