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Dear ManBlogger:
What’s with guys these days? It seems everywhere I go I find classy and socially aware metrosexual men who don’t care a whit for football or videogames. Not only are they unlikely to desultorily repeat cheesy, unsubtle pickup lines, but in the rare occasion that they suggestively invite me back to their apartment, we just end up playing Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit.
Just last night my date asked me about my “goals and aspirations” and what steps I am taking to further my education. He seemed really intent on politely listening to my answer. Why don’t they get that I’m just in for, uh, extracurricular recreation? Whats up with “waiting to develop a long-standing intellectual and emotional rapport” before they feel comfortable doing things OTHER than playing Scrabble? And what’s with all the bluster about “being safe” and “birth control”? It’s like they can’t even see that my feelings of self-worth are directly proportionate to the number of times I can pass an infant’s head through my hips!
Where are all the men who are looking for dishonest, self-involved, slutty, manipulative, shallow, and controlling gold-diggers? Where are the emotionally distant cretins who just want a romp-in-the-hay and a hot meal at the end of the day?
I swear I’m going to strangle the next man I meet who knows how to cook authentic tiramisu.
— Stuck On Scrabble
Dear SOS,
You’re in a hard spot. The sweeping success of the feminist revolution has all but ensured that the uncouth, self-absorbed moron as a paradigmatic icon of masculinity has gone the way of the Nintendo Power Glove. Though my research has uncovered rumors purporting the existence of small, scattered tribal enclaves of immature males who just want to party and have promiscuous sex with numerous partners, the consensus among sociologists is that such claims are entirely unfounded.
My advice is to soil your hands and look in some out-of-the-way places to find your quarry. University and graduate school are bad ideas, because the men who go there are intellectually curious and hard-working. Church is a no-no, because the men there will tend to be moral and compassionate. The gym is also unlikely—most men who work out regularly have high self-esteem and are too self-aware to be as utterly worthless as you’re looking for. You’re going to have to dig deep: try visiting an especially seedy bar or a male high-security prison.
And if you’re really desperate, you can always try Craigslist.
—ManBloggeur
