Marathon Monday

For those of you don't know me personally, I ran a marathon a few years ago.  It sucked and I wrote about it.  I journaled about the running experience in the only way I could – through a magnifying glass of grotesque humor.  The journal entries went viral, was featured on radio stations and evolved into this highly addictive blog,, which has been provoking laughter, and reportedly the unexpected urine flow, for over five years now.

Back by popular demand, I'm bringing the Marathon Journals to this blog. Tune in every Monday to read the painful challenges, both physically and mentally, in training for a marathon.  This series includes sixteen weekly journal entries describing everything from vagina weggies, which I refer to as veggie tales, the implausible act of running while having to poop, the unavoidable injuries, and my husband misplacing one testicle.

Grab a box of Kleenex and a urine bucket - you will cry and pee.  Enjoy!


To: Friends and Family

Subject: Marathon Training - Journal #1


Ok, all of you know me fairly well. I am the laziest piece of shit you will ever meet. I will avoid exercise at all costs.  Seriously, I would rather sit on the couch and eat of bag of Cheetos then do anything remotely athletic. Well, long story short, I woke up on New Year’s Day (apparently, not hung over enough) and decided that I would register for a marathon.  Yes, a real one. Running the marathon, not handing out Cheetos at the finish line. Nevertheless, I am in serious training mode. Ok, not that serious. I drink several mochas a day, eat lots of pizza and have a bottle of wine each night, but I run five times a week. I hired a running coach, she tells me what to do and I do it. She told me to run nine miles today. Lucky for her, she gives me these little nuggets of information via email otherwise I’d have to slap her (and try not to spill my wine). I just ran 9.25 miles. All at once. Without stopping. I swear. I think am experiencing what must be described as the “runner’s high” because I feel AMAZING!

I have to go take a nap now.



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