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PART I -THE DESTRUCTION
Remember when studies came out during the 1990's linking video games to teens' evil behavior? I think that theory is wrong. The problem is markers, permanent green markers, to be exact. Permanently on my new cabinets, stainless steel appliances, new kitchen table...!%&$$! What the heck were the makers of Sharpie thinking when they made a marker that is "permanent on most surfaces" and "quick drying?!"
My crime: I go into the bathroom to do something VAIN-wash my face and brush my hair! My sentence: Permanent marker all over my kitchen: The scarlet green scribble announcing to everyone who enters, "The toddler was alone for 5 minutes."
I make a solution of bleach, vinegar, water, Lysol, Vodka, and every other cleaner I own, while chanting a spell of curses. Then I scrub the doors, walls, table, benches, and finally, little rosy flesh fingers attached to a laughing baby mouth.
All the while I'm chanting to myself: "It's just permanent marker, no big deal, no big deal, no big...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PART II- My Descent into DELIRIUMOh yes, a solitary storm cloud descends on the Christie House as I witness the destruction of my beautiful kitchen. Rain is pelting the window as I cry and scrub. Baby Bigfoot approaches me. I'm on my hands and knees dipping a brush into a bucket. He grabs my face with his marker-stained grubby fingers and moves so close up I can feel his breath. His runny nose is touching my forehead and I'm frozen with the scrub-brush pressing the wall. "Saaa YEEE Mama. No boo hoo." He says, smashing his snotty little face all over mine in baby kisses. He hobbles off, with a load in his pants, laughing and mumbling to himself as I sit, frozen on the tile floor. I wonder, does this boy know already that he can make me screaming furious, then apologize like that and melt me?
