Marriage: Why Can't I Walk Away From Dumb Arguments?

These sorts of arguments are never about the topic that is being discussed. In the argument that you discuss above, it could be about disrespect (insulting the way you do dishes), or it could be an indication of a greater frustration related to adjustments that come with living with another person. It could also be about power or dominance.

If you have a lot of these arguments, there is probably an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. I had an argument with my husband about his changing some plan which had a trivial impact on me. I got disproportionately angry about it not because it caused me any inconvenience or difficulty but because I have a personality which does not deal with any change well and I feel most comfortable when I know what to expect. It isn't about what he did, it's about who I am. I'm the one who actually needs to deal with this, not him as his behavior is reasonable.

A lot of young couples argue over how trivial household matters are dealt with. I also did this a long time ago (I've been married for 21 years), but the truth is that these arguments are about power, control, and boundaries. They can have a destructive rippling effective if they are not dealt with through time. I used to come home from work and my husband had done the dishes but I would complain that he hadn't also wiped down the counters and table (there would be visible crumbs or whatnot on them). This made him feel like a failure for his efforts. I learned that I couldn't expect him to do things the way I did. It simply wasn't fair.

We work out what is fair and the more exacting party can do more if he or she chooses to. That is, if I want something which is not essential completed above and beyond what he has done, I do it, not insist that he do it my way (and vice versa).

Many women say they are 'control freaks'. I used to be one as well. You can change, but you have to let go of that image of yourself and make the effort day-in and day-out to drag your perspective out of your ego-centric one and try to see the world through the eyes of the other person you share your home with. At the very least, you can make sure that you're the only one who pays a price for your control freak nature. If it has to be done a certain way, do it yourself. Don't inflict your issues on you mate.

cliche i know but so true. i have FINALLY learned to chose the battle thats the most important for me to get my point across and give up the rest. My partner always seems to know a better way to do almost anything that i seem to be doing. Tasks i have been doing perfectly fine for years, that only recently have turned over to him to do (I am now the one working outside the home) he has found a better way to do them all. Now, the problem is they are only a better way of doing them in his mind. The dishes, sweeping the floor, you name it, hes perfected it. So now when its my turn at washing the dishes, hes standing behind me giving me suggestions on the better way to wash them. when i realized my life would be one Long string of arguements if i didnt choose my battles now, i gave up. when giving his suggestion, (which is what i call them in my head) i turn to him and smile and say thank you honey, i appreciate all your great advice.. Kiss his cheek and go on with my day. was very hard at first to give up the I am right state of mind, but life has been much easier on me since i did!!

After over two decades of marriage, there are still things my husband does that annoy me. He is incapable of hanging out washing (it all goes into the tumble dryer even in the summer), he says I leave the kitchen messy, I dont understand why he seems to cook things that take the longest last - the list goes on.

But after several pointless arguments, we have finally learnt that neither is going to change and now we both bite our tongues, smile sweetly and say thank you for making the effort.

Honestly, how do we live as control freaks? If only everyone knew the ridiculous thoughts that cross my mind, I would be admitted to an institution immediately! My husband has learned to just ignore me after 14 years. In fact, there are times that I hear myself saying something and I'm thinking to myself, "really?" Yet, you can be sure I still say it and stick to it!

I think the problem with walking away from dumb arguments without resolving them to your satisfaction is that you either have to admit that your SO is stupid or that he thinks that YOU'RE stupid.

That's not a nice feeling to live with either way.

One would hope that two rational people would be able to figure out who's wrong and who isn't (including "neither of us" or "both of us") for simple matters, or else what's going to happen when a serious topic needs to be decided upon? o_O

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

Communication, Communication, Communication

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Seems to me, my lover argues with me over mundane things when there's an underlying unspoken "issue" that she doesn't yet gained the courage to force. Also, running an argument off at a tangent is a feminine way (:p) to avoid talking about something stressful. As for arguing while doing the dishes ... such mindless tasks provoke mindless conversations... but it could be worse... you could be watching TV instead of ramping up your blood pressure for delicious make up sex. :)

Hugs
Gaz

I have had at least one decent theory in my lifetime...... flirting is about making other people feel better about themselves and if everyone feels better about themselves we would all enjoy more sex. Ok....  so I'm no ground breaking brainiac.. j

The argument with my husband is over WHO has to wash the dishes. AS long as he washes them, I don't care HOW he does it :)

Erika is a public relations professional and recent newlywed trying to make a house a home on a shoestring budget. She and her husband, Eric, blog at www.NewlywedsonaBudget.com ( http://www.newlywedsonabudget.com/ ).

Although not yet married, I am engaged and my fiancee and I have been living together for a couple of years.

Overall, I would definitely say we are a well oil machine and rarely argue about anything. We both don't see the point. We have no desire to "be right" or make the other person feel bad.

A few weeks ago he did do something that I knew - he knew would upset me because I was unintentionally doing something that was upsetting him. I was in a awful mood that day too but still addressed what he did and explain how what I had done was not intentional. He had moved my chair in the corner because I hadn't pushed it in which aggravated him because it prevented him to get to his chair and desk. Anyway, he apologized, I apologized and told him I would be more conscious about pushing my chair in. I have forgotten a few times since, and saw him push my chair in.

We are both extremely busy people; we don't have the time or energy to bring drama into our lives - it's just not worth it.

Love it! And glad I'm not the only one! I just wrote about this myself:
(http://katetakes5.blogspot.com/2010/09/gunns-at-da... and since the 'make up' my husband has told me that next time I should calmly say 'dis-engage' before walking from the room. Hmm - in theory maybe...
(Like most great arguments I can't for the life of me recall what it was about)

I was ready to divorce him over burned toast.

No shit.

JustLinda

fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

I couldn't help but read this and think that you aren't the only one in this argument! Yes your thoughts to a new approach are great for future encounters. I ALSO think that not being attacked in the first place for how you're doing something would also be of great value. So, perhaps the next time he thinks you're doing something "half ass backwards" like the dishes, dry your hands, express your gratitude for his expertise and invite him to do the job HIMSELF in his all knowing better way.

you can ask me how to do something, but don't tell me how to do it... ha! i love that, HOWEVER, i am a control freak. and i hate it! i WISH i wasn't such a "do it my way" kind of gal. i think that being a single mom for so long made me that way. if you wanted something done right, you do it yourself. i can't STAND the way my husband folds laundry. we've argued about this before.... well, disagreed. he hates the way i give directions. "TURN HERE," as we are passing the street we should have turned onto. (i don't give directions like this.)

it's hard to bring 2 entirely different personalities together, when you are so used to being your own person ON. YOUR. OWN.... they ARE all small things... and trust me, when you work in with oncology patients, you'll realize just how small and petty these arguments are....

i absolutely love this post! SOOOOOO incredibly honest. my husband always says, "let it go. you hold onto EVERYTHING... everything that doesn't even matter." and he's right, a lot of the time.... how to shut off the brain? i have nooooo idea!!! keep running with this! if you come up with a way (aside from therapy, which i'm already doing) let me know!!! haha!

my husband tried to start an argument with me about which shopping center exit I used to get out to the main street.

I knew he'd had a frustrating day and I suspected his blood sugar was dipping, so I just told him it didn't matter in the least and he needed to take things down a couple of notches. Amazingly, that worked.

Celeste Lindell
averagejane.blogs.com ( http://averagejane.blogs.com )

My husband and I are usually great at communicating, but we had a dumb argument last night about, really, nothing. He changed his plans after I had changed mine. I wasn't planning on doing what I had originally intended in the first place, but then I was upset that he changed his plans so I simply COULDN'T do it EVEN IF I WANTED TO! ROAR!

I eventually realized that I was being, uh, ridiculous. We laughed it off, as we do with most of our arguments.

In short, you are not alone. (And, for the record, my husband hand-washes our dishes because I do it wrong. heh.)

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.