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Married man addicted to porn: Who's fault is it?
by rescuedwomenOutwardly, Eric and Sue looked like a happy couple.
With others, Eric seemed kind and friendly, but alone with Sue and their three children, he was sarcastic and full of anger. The underlying reason: his secret addiction to pornography. As a young man, Eric served in the military, where porn was considered macho. He recalls that when he married Sue, “I didn’t know what marriage was about. Playboy taught me about relationships and intimacy.” Sue thought the problem was solved when she told him to get rid of those magazines – but secretly, he remained heavily addicted for 10 years of their marriage. Keeping such a big secret from those closest to him caused Eric to become increasingly withdrawn and emotionally absent from the family.
Although he never committed physical adultery, Eric admits, “I had lots of emotional affairs.” He was unwilling to deal with their problems through marriage counseling, and the couple separated. Only then did Eric finally confess his addiction to Sue – but was still unwilling to give it up.
Many married men are addicted to porn. Many think it's the women's fault that she should change her look often to keep the excitement going in her marriage. While some think that men are just being selfish, not thinking about how it can hurt the family but more about his sexual needs. What do you think?
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Porn Addiction Quiz
Quiz: Are You Hooked?
If you’re wondering whether you’re hooked on porn, answer the following questions honestly:
1. Do your family or friends say you spend too much time on the Internet?
2. (Particularly for women:) Do you find your greatest source of emotional intimacy in Internet chat rooms?
3. Do you stare at or flirt with people other than your spouse, or fantasize about people such as actors or actresses, lingerie models, joggers on the beach, etc.?
4. Do you regularly look at pornographic magazines, movies, or websites?
5. Do you masturbate while doing any of the above?
6. Do your sexual fantasies and activities draw you away from your spouse, your family, and God?
7. Do you lie about your activities or hide them from your family?
8. Do your sexual fantasies and activities cause you shame or depression?
9. Have you had phone sex or an extramarital affair, or visited prostitutes, strip clubs, or massage parlors?
10. Have you vowed to stop, only to give in the next time temptation arises?
Saying “Yes” to any questions, especially numbers 3 through 10, may indicate that pornography has some power over your life. But take courage! With God’s help, you can win a resounding victory over sexual temptation!
Live Life With No Regrets!
RW
Helpful Resources
Further Reading
Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey, Waterbrook Press. (This book also contains sections written especially for the wives of men who struggle with pornography.)
Addicted to "Love," by Stephen Arterburn, Servant Publications.
Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus, by Russell Willingham, InterVarsity Press.
Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World, by Mark Laaser, Ph.D., Zondervan.
False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sex Addiction, by Dr. Harry Schaumburg, NavPress.
The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery, by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., Heart to Heart Counseling Center.
At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, by Steve Gallagher, Pure Life Ministries.
Ordering Your Private World, by Gordon MacDonald, Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Personal Holiness in Times of Temptation, by Bruce Wilkinson, Walk Thru the Bible Ministries.
Live Life With No Regrets!
RW
Men addicted to porn
J.
It's completely HIS fault. I am a victim of a husband's betrayal with porn and lap dances, and initially, you question your inadequacies as a wife, but don't do it. He needs to get help for his issues and you need to determine whether to stick it out for the kids sake and trust it will get better or GET OUT.
The one thing they will tell you is that "it's not sexual at all". "I thought I had a friend"... yeah, for $300 for 30 minutes I'd be your friend too!
He is now digging out of $66,000 in debt and I am considering moving on. This is one of the most trying times of my life.
I honestly should pursue a degree in forensic accounting after everything I've been able to find!
I'd love to hear from others in the same situation.
Married men and pornography
I am a married man, and even though I rarely view pornography, I consider myself an addict. I'm addicted because even though I don't look at it, I still want to.
I've always believed that pornography is bad for the mind, and thus bad for society in general. In spite of this, it has always been very difficult for me to resist.
There's a strange rush, a high, that I feel when the first explicit images come on screen. It's a relief almost. Still, viewing pornography goes against my personal beliefs, so I try to justify it. I think that's the reason so many men try to blame their wives.
The rationalization starts in my head: "Here is sexuality, pleasure, and excitement being freely given. These women are so sexually generous and accepting. Why does my personal sex life with my wife have to be so hurried, uptight, and full of rejection? The women and their partners on screen are happily enjoying all of my sexual fantasies - fantasies that my wife would never consider. Why does my sex life have to be so full of restriction and rejection?"
It's only my attraction to pornography that brings out these thoughts. Anyone who has met me would never guess that I've ever thought these things. For 98% of my life, I'm a kind and uplifting person.
It's important to note that my wife's appearance has never entered into it. I believe that any man who blames his porn problem on his wife's appearance is lying and trying to put all the shame on her. This is wrong. If he's honest, I'll bet he's just like me. Wanting sex to be free, easy, and adventurous, but coming up against real-life, where it takes a lot of effort.