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Once upon a time there was girl who found herself in the bathroom at the office once a month, without fail. Calling in K to meet her, armed with the usual EPT box, fully convinced that in fact, this time, she was preg.....Let me back up. Since I was in the 7th grade, stealing my mom’s push up bras, my hormones have been more up and down than Jess Simpson’s scale. I tell you this because it’s important to know, I’m not one of those girls who get their period at 2:34pm every 4th Sunday of the month and just period’s out fairies and twinkle dust. No, it comes whenever it feels like it and puts me in virtual labor, delivering the devil and all of his apostles...... 
period devil as imagined by me. Basically what I’m getting at is there is no reason for me to be freaking out over a late period, ever. And I never learn.So yet again, I’m googling “early pregnancy signs”, fully convinced that my irritable mood, sore boobs and pimple of my cheek means I am with child. I am so convinced in fact that I leave work at 10:20am, to go to Rite Aid to get yet another pregnancy test. This time I bought the jumbo pack. Yes, that exists for maniacs like me. Let me tell you, these bad boys are PRICEY. My monthly expense on the pee sticks is close to my sephora bill. And we all know that’s not good.As I’m checking out, a 7 year old child asks me for directions to the park and his grandparents are waiting in the car. I’m like, great kid. I’m holding 9 preg tests in my hand and I definitely want to be drawing you a map on the back of my ept receipt to give to your grandparents. But I did, and felt like it was a sign from the universe telling me, to get my shit together or I’d be dealing with way more inconvenient child moments in my not so distant future.So K meets me in the bathroom at work and knows the drill. I pee, we wait. Now I consider myself pretty smart, but without fail no matter what lines show up on that stick, I never remember what they mean and I’m back at the google machine double checking “ept results images”.
Seemingly pretty simple for non idiots.Of course I’m not preg and my pee is just like any other pee and K is not surprised. She did tell me though it’s not appropriate to leave my ept box in the little trash can in the bathroom stall at work. She was right about this.After this, I usually wait and the period devil arrives in about 24 hours and I always want to get return the used pee stick to the Rite Aid and try and get my money back. B says this is a bad idea and I won’t be able to buy future pee sticks in the future at their establishment. He is also right.Now I hesitate to even utter these words, but I will say, with every month’s negative test, I am a DOT disappointed. And I mean a dot. I guess part of me
