MATCH-ing up in HARMONY- my perusing an online dating site...

People judge me cuz o'my braids and my gold teeth..."

"I got four kids. Never married though."

"I like walking on the beach and rainbows."

WHAT?!?! Are you flipping kidding me? I may or may not have a newly single friend. And she may or may not have joined a dating site (which I probably should not single out by name). We may or may not have spent hours scouring it last night in the company of two excellent chilean bottles of wine. I may or may not have peed in my pants from laughing so much.
I have kiddingly told my friends that I will only date orphans in the future. No parents, siblings, exes, small people... Yeah. Ummm, maybe I should amend that to say that I will just only NOT date in the future. The amount of people on that one site floors me. Either every other adult in the world is single or there are a lot of people surfing the net on the down-low.
All power to ya, but after observing some of the profiles, I have some pointers. Just an innocent bystander making some observations...
One- Guys, pictures of you laying across the bed with a cat are C-R-E-E-P-Y. They don't suggest that you are sensitive. Pair them with your thirty-nine year old, never -married status, and the kitty kitty pics are seriously unnerving.
Two- When you put that brainiacs are a turn-off, I seriously hope any girl with a pulse deletes you. Brains are not a bad thing, and you should at least be able to spell 'brainiac' correctly.
Three- Sixteen pictures of you with the same woman are....once again...C-R-E-E-P-Y. Is that your ex-wife? Is that your current wife? Is that your sister? Explique, por favor, because you are on a DATING website.
Four- Pictures help. Not creepy ones that look like you are locked in a bathroom with your camera phone so your wife/boss/mom doesn't catch you, but real everyday pictures help. And if your only pic is a side profile one that is black and white and dimly lit, let's be honest. A girl is gonna wonder if you only have one eye. If you have a crazy eye. If you are missing a front tooth or two or three. Shallow, I know, but full disclosure is only fair.
Five- Putting 69 or 96 or cum or overandover or anything else in your profile or name is lame. Repeat after me "I am intelligent and witty enough to forgo being 'Jazzy G 69' or 'Aims to Please' as my profile name."
Six- Maybe saying how much you love kids and want lots of them should wait until you are no longer on a mass dating site. just a thought, but perhaps?
Seven- No drama. I love to cuddle. I am nice and everyone likes me. I need a woman who....I like to work out constantly (ahem- then why are all pics neck up????). My ex-wife was a... YAWN. Every third profile has one or all of these phrases. Good grief, Charlie Brown. Be original, please. Stand out. Take a chance. Who doesn't like to cuddle? Does anyone really like drama? These are all givens, so get on with it.
Eight- obvious pics where you are nude are so. so. so. blech. Seriously- there is a reason you get lots of hits on your profiles and no emails, winks or whatever else they call them. It is called gawking. Women are looking at these, with their friends, bottles of wine, and gawking. Not "Oh my- I have to call him" gawking. More like "pass me the bottle. Omigawd, can you believe this schmuck took a picture of himself like that? Is that his nipple way up there or????"

OK- I know there are couples out there who meet on these sites and live happily ever after. I, however, am going to be quite content living through my friends. Who may or may not have joined one of these sites. Ahem.

Oh, and the first three quotes are scarily accurate. And I really did not pee in my pants. Really. The thought may or may not have crossed my mind, but I am quick on my feet. And I too like walking on the beach and rainbows, but that is a story for another day, mis amigos.

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