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The beginning of a new relationship is a magical time. Not because of fabulous first kisses or take-your-breath-away romance - although certainly that's the ideal scenario. No, the beginning of a relationship is special because neither of you are in love yet. This means you have a short window of sanity.
I was driving the other day and thinking about beginnings. And I came up with three words to describe what I think is super important to maximize the first three dates and the first three months so that once one or both of you *are* in love, or at least emotionally vested, the relationship has the best chance of being what you want.
The first is a noun, and it's the hardest thing: Honesty. Honesty with yourself and honesty with the other person.
You know, what I see happen the most, in myself and others, is being swept into something because of physical attraction. For some people, maybe it's the desire to be in a relationship. There was you, and then there's you pretending like certain dealbreakers aren't really "dealbreakers" per se... I mean, I think we've all been there.
My biggest pet peeve is when I stop dating someone and then they're all, "Man, I actually *hate* Madonna!" Seriously, that happened to me. Like dude, I wasn't gonna care if you didn't like Madonna. And if I was gonna care that you didn't like Madonna, then yeah, I'd like to know the real you, thanks very much.
But OK, what if you do get to know someone a little and you realize there's some issue that would effect you in the long term. You know they're not the one, but you're attracted to them and you'd like to play for a while.
Why not just throw that on the table? Yeah, they may walk away. Or they may be interested. You really don't know until you ask. But if you ask, there's a chance it will work out and you won't be starting a relationship - which you'll then have to extricate yourself from eventually - just to have some fun.
One of my favorite episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" is the one with "The Naked Man." The theory is, the guy's on a date and it's going badly, so he asks to use her bathroom and then he takes off all his clothes. I can't remember what the professed percentage of success (i.e. sex) was, but seriously, this was hysterical. Because even if I *don't* want to have sex with guy, it's kinda hot to think about the opportunity to check out the goods.
But more seriously, the beginning of a relationship is when you can discuss just about anything - children, marriage, where you want to live, holidays - without it feeling loaded. You're not talking about you and your new beau; it's way too early for that. You're just talking theory. And you need to talk that theory. And you need to be honest about yourself and what you want, both to yourself and to your date.
Which brings us to a verb: Listen.
I learned once that in the beginning of a relationship someone I dated told me that he didn't like Jewel. Well, I *so* love Jewel, that I just wanted to put it on, because how could he not like Jewel? I wanted to share my love for Jewel with him. That right there is NOT LISTENING. And I was really embarrassed when we talked about it months later. If you are dating an adult, and they say they hate something, they probably know they hate it. And maybe you can prove them wrong someday, but start by hearing them and respecting what they say.
It's not enough to be clear and honest with and about yourself, you have to be open to really listen to the people you date. What are they really saying about who they are and what they want? I have my favorite red flag statements - Like, "You're too good for me" means literally this person is trying to tell you they're a loser and you should RUN. And I'm a big fan of the "doth protests too much" concept. "What? I'm not judging you!" means OMG I'm so totally judging you right now. But beyond that, are they simpatico with you? Being honest in the beginning can save you from serious heartbreak on the back end.
Decide about your dealbreakers going in. Don't ignore them until you can't anymore, and at least one person is vested
