Mealtime Matters 101: Don't Complain and Other Rules

I'm NOT Alone! I was beginning to wonder. Its loke other people think I torture my kids by asking them to eat whats in front of them. Or at least try it!

Bravo! Picky eaters make my eyes dialate and my ears turn red!

Mandy W.

FourAgainstTwo.com

Great rules, great post. My son is only 15 1/2 months old and is already showing signs he'll be difficult at meal times. He won't sit in his high chair longer than 3 minutes, at home or out. He screams or cries if you try to keep him in and he runs around while you chase him with a spoon in hand. I try to implement rules he'll understand at his age, but his grandparents undo all my good work when he goes over (everyday)as they let him do whatever he wants. He does eat whatever he's given though. Thank goodness.

I'm arming myself with your rules (and some of the commenters'!) and hopefully change things for the better.

On the other hand sometimes you have to just focus on what your family is doing at the table while eating out. Yes some families may be louder and more boisterous than yours, but if the kids are not running around the restaurant and throwing food at people, I would not worry so much. I have seen some people roll their eyes at restaurants just because kids got up to walk around and ask their parents questions.

Also, depending on the type of restaurant you go to the expectation for decorum might vary. For instance, if you are at a fancy sit down restaurant everyone should remain seated and not being getting up and down, but if you are at Chucky Cheese you will see kids getting up and down to go play the games.

Change meal time up by having the family sit in front of the TV and watch a program while eating, which might encourage your picky eater to enjoy other food groups. We were always expected to eat what was on our plate, but I used to get excited about dinner because it was a time to watch the news and discuss it with my family. I have fond memories of sitting down at the coffee table watching the NBC nightly news while eating, and asking my dad questions about politics. Yes, even in 1984 I was the first grader who wanted to know everything about the president and other countries. This approach might not work for all families, but find out something stimulating your kids might like to do to encourage them to eat all their food at dinner. By the way I am an adult who worries about not wasting an ounce of food, so this worked for me.

The Mad Housewife and Mad Merlot Mama blog at Desperately Seeking Coffee @ http://javainmyveins.blogspot.com/

I wondered if I was the only Mama who had the same rules. No, you cannot have dessert if you didn't finish dinner.

Good table manners are a MUST. I'm sorry but when I see children at a restaurant acting like heathens at the table, it makes my skin crawl. My three year old is ALREADY being taught table manners. It grates on me that in SOME (not all) cases, she has better manners than some children three times her age.

Keep on fightin' the good fight!!

-mad Merlot Mama

Alexandra  ( http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/ ) keeps a humor blog, Good Day, Regular People.com ( http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com/ ), where she writes of small town life, raising 3 boys.

We have these very same rules.

No complaints. Always thank the cook. Pick up your plate. Have manners, and no getting up till you are through.

No "special" meals and no "extra" dinner later.

This is what it is.

And Brava!, woman!

While I don't have kids. I love this...

To this day I can't tell you the immense amount of grief I feel for the starving kids in China if I don't finish everything on my plate. My husband now uses this against me.

I don't do the short-order cooking, but I do try to make sure there is something on the table that each child will eat (even if it's natural applesauce).

I like the way Ellen Satyr says it: as a parent, I decide what to buy, what to serve, and when meals and snacks are. My child (children) can decide if they will eat and how much they wish to eat. Choosing not to eat is an option available to them, but I don't make substitute meals.

I believe that this approach works best to get a child past pickiness (though some take longer than others; my 9 year old is just now coming out of it...). But I know there are a lot of conflicting types of advice out there, so I suppose every parent does what he or she thinks is best.

( http://justlinda.net )JustLinda

fabulously imperfect

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

..and she is the toughest of my three. My older two would sit at the table and try everything by the time they were 2.

While there is no way you can get a toddler to eat what is in front of her, I still put it in front of her and make suggestions of trying..lol. Most of the time with failure. But I do insist she stays seated. If she gets up, her meal is done. Which is a lot lately. ugh.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

Loved your comment. It is hard to get them to try - but I so appreciate the expectation of staying seated and have good table manners. I know my kids preK expected the same.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

I appreciate your kind reinforcement of having mealtime rules. Not every family has the same rules, but I do believe good manners and no complaints are an important part of them.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

I agree wholeheartedly with your post.

Does any of your advice change with a toddler? My daughter is 2 1/2.

We have the "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

But I love the no complaining rule. I'm going to try it. Which means more food for me!

Mommypants ( http://www.mommypants.com/ )

and that is, if you are playing, you are DONE.

I enforce this heavily at work (I teach PreK) and at home. I dont do the "try a bite" although I encourage it, but if you're wiggling and turning around in your chair, getting up and running, or making mountains out of your mashies, you can leave the table.

I can truly relate to this...actually, to everything you said about mealtime 101...I have set the same rules for my kids...and I am proud to say it worked well.

My kids are world class picky eaters. They have ridiculous food aversions, a long list of food allergies, and I am so glad I'm not the only "mean mom" who has food rules!

At home, they have to eat the tiny serving of whatever I've cooked for them. All of it. Or they lose a privilege - such as getting down from the table before everyone is finished, or having a treat after dinner, or time to play with toys before bed. The goal is to teach them not to waste, and how to show good manners when we're not at home.

When we're not at home, they have to taste the food, and they have to show manners. Which means no complaining, no insulting the chef, and ALWAYS saying thank-you for the meal.

Good for you, lady! Thanks for posting this!

Off to check out your book. THANK YOU!!! xoxoxoxo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

Thanks for your post.
In my house, we have a rule that, "If you diss, you're dismissed." That rule has worked wonders. Early on, I found that if my son said anything negative about the meal, his little brother wouldn't eat it. Our rule of being polite at the dinner table -- no negative comments, sitting in your seat, clearning your dishes at the end of the meal -- took hold when the boys were very young, and we're all happier because of it. I spend a lot of time shopping for food and preparing nutritous meals (I'm a dietitian) and the last thing I want to hear is complaints.
Recently, I surveyed the moms in my online community. Nearly 600 took the survey, and we found that the number-one obstacle to getting healthy meals on the table is "picky eaters who whine and complain." That survey led to my latest cookbook, NO WHINE WITH DINNER: 150 Healthy, Kid-Tested Recipes from The Meal Makeover Moms. The recipes in the book are all kid-tested and nutritious, and in the last chapter, we highlight 50 moms' secrets for getting picky eaters to try new foods. The tips are amazing and showcase 50 different approaches to getting kids excited about trying new foods ... and about being at the family table.
In my first cookbook, we have a chapter called The 5-Step Meal Makeover Plan, and one of the steps is to establish Family Food Rules. The word "rules" often implies a negative, but as long as those rules are easy to establish and easy to enforce, they can actually turn out to be a lot of fun!
One of the tips in No Whine with Dinner from a mom in Georgia named Kelly is to play "The 3 Pennies Game." Each family member gets three pennies at the start of the meal. By the end of the meal, everyone has to get rid of their pennies by doling out a compliment (three in all). The game, according to Kelly, has created a positive mealtime environment for her family.

I only have a 16mo so I'm not quite there yet (or maybe I am and I am too lax about it?) but you have given me new insight into mealtime. Complaining ends the meal reminds me of "crying it out". Painful for a few nights and then the best gift ever. I wonder how many other people have found success with that technique or if you just got lucky!

Ilana is a NYC based working mom, read more from her on Mommy Shorts ( http://www.mommyshorts.com ).

..for when my kids are older and I have better dish washers - I am totally using your rule! lol

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

Love that it does work. They sometimes don't know what they love until they try. My husband didn't try salad until college and then wondered where it had been all of ths life..lol

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

For sure not each one loves what I make each night - but finally I never have to hear about it anymore. Good luck! xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

Thank you so much for you comment. I do hope that no one thinks that I force food upon my kids. I ask them to try new things and while I prepare things they like, I also make new things for our family and want my kids to choose healthy foods.

My biggest reason for writing this post was to talk about ending the complaining and how we come together as a family. I do hope that came across.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

As someone who was always an extremely picky eater with a very strong tactile sense and later diagnosed with multiple food sensitivities including Celiac disease, I'm very sensitive (perhaps too much) about forcing kids to eat food.

We don't allow complaining and we will send children to their room for complaining. However I also try to be sensitive to my daughter's pickiness as I also see in her the predisposition to food intolerances.

It is interesting to me since my son is the opposite and will try any food at least once and often 2-3 time before deciding if he likes it. They have been raised and fed the same so I truly believe some of it is biological.

So ultimately we make dinner about connecting with each other, being polite and eating healthy food. Clearly there are many ways to the same goal. But it is easy to get defensive if you aren't a parent who lays down hard rules about eating.

on this one...I am the same and my guy is only a toddler...but he still has to sit at the table and eat dinner and he has to wait to leave - i completely agree with your rules....they will be the exactly the same in my house as my guy grows up!! Well done to you for sticking to your guns!!!

I always involve my kids in the meal planning (even when they were young), and try to incorporate healthy versions of their favorites, but, still, house rules are pretty much what yours are. As a mother you know when your little darlings are just trying to be little pains. Now that my kids are older, I've added a new rule: You are late to dinner and you are cleaning up all by yourself. I cook almost everything from scratch, so that's not a fun job.

And as for the cell phone? You take it and answer calls and texts. It won't come to the table again...

:)

Marianne at Mealmixer ( http://www.mealmixer.com )

Your article rings true with many parents! More of them should read and follows the rules.

As a mom of 3 I have struggled through the picky eaters and whining at the table. We had some extraordinary issues during the early eating times because our child was undergoing chemotherapy. Talk about begging them to eat anything, even chips! This created a battle with them all. When she finished treatment we started with one thing the same on everyone's plate. A month later 2 things. The 3rd and final month, I was no longer a short order cook.

We use the - eat as many bites as you are old. This helps the littler ones because they are thankful for eating less.

They do pretty well overall but hate casseroles!

I agree with no electronics at the table.

I love these rules! Like Jessica, Our meals are very chaotic because there are 2 3 year olds and a 1 year old. But sometimes we get a good, calm, meal. These are great guidelines to implement.

When I was having trouble with my kids eating veggies (or now the meal that I make, because I too am not a short order cook), our pedi just encouraged us to keep serving, along with something we KNEW they would eat. So maybe that's cheese, applesauce, or any kind of fruit because they rarely turn that down. So we did. I think it took us 10 attempts at serving spaghetti, and now it's a favorite.

I'm not the only one! I tell my kids that I am not going to make them something different just because they want to be so picky. My daughter complains about anything that isn't pizza or chicken nuggets. She will try to play the "I'm full" card, unless there is dessert waiting, then she suddenly gets her appetite. I recently just bought a sign for our kitchen that says, "Kitchen Menu: Take it. Leave It.". If my kids complain about their food they can eat it or be hungry for the rest of the night because they won't get anything else until they eat at least some of their dinner!

Working from Home and Loving It!

Work at Home Strategies Blog ( http://crazedmama.blogspot.com/ )

&a

I forwarded your post to my husband because this has been a huge issue for our family. Both of our children are complainers at the dinner table. What one likes, the other one hates. One will devour the meal, the other one will pick at it. NO MATTER WHAT MAKE! I can't seem to find meals that everyone likes! Then I thought...why am I wracking my brain at mealtimes when inevitably someone is going to complain!

Thank you for this post. My husband and I are discussing our plan and will definitely "steal" some of your rules.

Here's to more peaceful mealtimes!!!
Dana

Random Chick Blog: Woman. Wife. Mother. Member of an Insane Society. ( http://www.randomchickblog.com/ )

just as much the second time around! I see parents too tired or afraid to set limits, and I admire someone willing to be a parent in every sense of the word.

Congrats on syndication! You are such an amazing writer.

I think in reading your comment, we agree on almost everything. I appreciate the many different ways to get to the same goals as parents to raise happy and healthy kids.

I appreciate your comment so much.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

..them sometimes! xoxo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

As a mother of three (now teenage) girls, I can certainly appreciate your frustration with kids and dinnertime. There are a few points I would like to add however. You may not be aware of this, but many kids instinctively avoid foods they have sensitivities or allergies to. Forcing children to eat foods they do not like usually does not promote a love for that food (such as you and milk), and can be quite traumatizing to a young psyche.

I have found a good approach is to consistently provide healthy food, and model healthy eating. One approach is to present the healthy food, if they eat it then great, if not, then try again the next night. No muss, no fuss. Once kids sense how important it is to you that they eat something, it can create a power dynamic. Power issues surrounding food often sets up a lifetime of eating issues.

Another approach when they are old enough, is for them to help prepare simple parts of the meal. They will definitely eat what they helped prepare, and will be quite adamant that everyone else do so as well.

If one of our goals as parents is to instill in our children a strong sense of self and a good understanding of their own bodies, then a hard line approach to food may work in the short term but in the long term I think it can be harmful.

For me, I want the joy of gathering together and eating to be a safe and loving time. Part of that includes civility, good manners, and certainly no toys, books, or cell phones at the table!

As far as having good manners, again modeling and constant guidance are key. I have received so many compliments from other parents regarding my kids' manners and behavior, and I never had a list of rules. Rather I just raised them to respect others, and to respect themselves.

Good luck to all the moms, as we all try to figure out what works best for our own families.

So thrilled to be here. Thank you for your sweet comment.
xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

..my kids call me the "mean mom" because they have more rules than other kids. I also get lots of compliments on how lovely and polite my kids are ;)

Sometimes I also need to lighten up a bit on things as childhood is meant to be enjoyed..lol.

My 8 year old would LOVE to give you a book of her mom's rules. ugh.
xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

You just made my day! Love you. xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

I know, everyone is always busy so I feel this dinner time is sometimes it - all we have with all of us to just sit and eat and talk. So important.

Thank you so much for your comment here today. I so appreciate it. xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

I still struggle with the toddler, but I see her sitting longer for every meal. Thank you for visiting me over here! xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

my husband of that rule. LOL

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

..I am glad to know this will continue to payoff. Now I just need my 20 month old to get in the game.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

..at the table once because I would not drink my milk. I now appreciate what my mom was trying to do. I still hate milk though.

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

..and kind of want to marry you now! LOVE your rules! I am adding some to mine! .."buy your own damn food" Love it! Thank you so much for your comment today. xo

Tracy writes about the lighter side of parenthood at www.sellabitmum.com ( http://sellabitmum.com%20 )

& I still love it everyday when I see it posted on my fridge. True story.

Great job and congrats, lady! XO

Galit Breen blogs at These Little Waves ( http://theselittlewaves.com ). On any given day you can find her juggling three children, one husband, one puggle and one laptop.

I sparkled you! Their heart-shaped lollis are adorable!

Liz ( http://www.bellebeanchicagodog.com )

a belle, a bean & a chicago dog ( http://www.bellebeanchicagodog.com ) / @bellebeandog ( http://twitter.com/bellebeandog )

Kim

My kids are still small but I already fight to keep control at the dinner table. Great tips! Congrats on the syndication!

i only have one 18month old but i totally agree with what you said. that is how my parents handled meal time for all of us and i so appreciate that now that i have my own kids. would love to hear more about the 'rules' around your house. this parenting stuff is tough.

Oh I so agree, meal time isn't an option at our house. We are quite strict on the rules during it also.
I believe this is family bonding time and also helps establish good eating habits.