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One would think that being over 40 would mean having your new partner meet the family is something you could avoid, right? After all, doesn’t being a so-called mature adult, having kids old enough to drive, and having a civil relationship with your ex and his new wife mean you don’t have to manage family/new partner meet-ups? Ever?
Apparently not.
Bottom line is family is family and if they are at all close with you, they are going to have an opinion about who you are dating. And want to share it. As they will.
This holiday season, my son & his girlfriend and my sister and her family all convened in the Bay area for Thanksgiving. This was fabulous for me, since it meant many of the people I Iove the most would be in the same room together. However, given that neither Z nor my sister had yet met my new, just moved in together boyfriend A, it was also kinda scary.
What if my son decided the new BF was bad news, a flake, or just plain annoying? What if A felt that way about my kid?
What if my sister got along great with my son (whom she hadn’t seen since he’d been in high school), but hated A? Or got along swell with A, but felt nothing for my beloved kid? What if my brother in law (whom I adored) was less than entranced with my part of the family?
Pondering the prospects of what could go wrong yielded as many alternative scenarios as Gregor Mendel’s pea plants and made me so very nervous. My rational brain said “You’ve just moved in with the guy, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?” but my emotional brain just kept saying “C'mon people now, smile on your brother, Ev'rybody get together, Try and love one another right now,” and “Kumbaya, babies!”
Or, in other words, why can’t we all just get along (and love one another like I do)?”
Finally, after a few days of worrying, I decided that since I had no control over how things would go, and since I loved everybody (even if they ended up despising one another) I’d just crawl into a closet and hide when they all arrived. After some reflection, I revised that to deciding I’d introduce everyone, make sure they were all able to talk, and then backing off.
Letting go of control was a much better strategy than trying to play orchestra conductor. Basically, everyone got along just fine. We all had a great time, we interacted, and no puppies were harmed. In fact, we made plans to all meet up again in the spring(which truly shows me it went well.)
Last Christmas, I went to a Midwestern city to meet A’s family. I was the newbie on unfamiliar ground, and I was scared. What if I didn’t like A’s family? What if they didn’t like me? I hadn’t been in that meet the parents situation since I was 16 years old (I married a former HS boyfriend). And his brothers and sisters—would they like me? How much did it matter? That time as well, I decided there wasn’t much I could do to control the outcome (at least on their end), but I still fretted.
And was incredibly relieved when I discovered they were al really nice, treated each other well, and were thrilled about A & me. (This Christmas, I am heading back there again for the second round of family visits and I am actually looking forward to it. Not only is his family great, but also it is interesting to learn more about A and his history in this town).
Anyway, these experiences are enough to have gotten me thinking about survival tips for all of us who will spend a chunk of these upcoming winter holidays meeting the other significant others—the children, the parents, the cousins, the best-ever college friends--of the person you love.
So, for those of us heading into the next range of winter holidays who are going to meet significant other’s significant others, here are some survival tips to help you manage meeting the family without feeling your own sense of self slip. Please feel free to comment on or add to this list:
- Meeting new people is a two-way thing. You’re meeting them, they are meeting you, everyone is supposed to be courteous and make an effort.
- Being watchful is never bad.. Evaluate and understand family dynamics
