Never Enough…

If anyone is still out there following my blog, you’ve probably wondered why you haven’t heard much from me lately… I wish I had some interesting excuse for where I’ve been like an elephant stepped on my computer while I was on safari in South Africa, but the fact is that the reason for my absence is just regular old life, which lately has felt like a downward spiral. Feelings of “not good enough” run through my head frequently.  Some days are better than others and I feel ok, or even good, but a lot of days, I feel like… -My kids need more time and attention than I have energy to give… -My job deserves more focus than I’m mentally capable of at the moment… -My waistline could use fewer calories and more exercise… -My husband and I are in desperate need of some alone time… -My bank account would benefit from more additions and fewer subtractions. ....more

No Bikini Looks As Good As Cake Tastes

There it was; the wedding cake in all of its glory.  Standing tall on a pillar above the dance floor, it looked at me with a gleam in it’s icing that said, “Eat me… no… devour me, and I will pleasure your mouth in a way no dessert has before.” As I daydreamed about whether the frosting might be almond or buttercream, a horrific intruder interrupted my fantasy – my diet… that motherfucker.  What was it doing showing up at a time like this?  There I was, about to get laid by the Ryan Gosling of dessert, and my diet was there to cock block me with the reminder that bathing suit season was only weeks away. So, what’s a girl to do?  The only obvious solution I could gather at the time was to hit up the bar to drink my problems away because, you know, alcohol has *no* calories.  But… like any good temptress, that damn wedding cake just kept trying to seduce me. For awhile, I was able evade a direct line of vision, but as the sun set through the large glass wall, I couldn’t help but notice the bride had chosen a shimmering icing.  “Now, that’s a new one,” I thought.  Something I’ve never tried before.  Hmmm… maybe the shimmering icing would make the cake taste weird.  Maybe I wouldn’t even like it if I tried it.  Maybe… ....more

Soccer: The Reason I Poked My Eyes Out on Saturday

You know how when you’re pregnant and they say, “he’s gonna be a soccer player!” Yeah so… apparently that’s not quite accurate for my oldest child despite all of the abuse my uterus took while he was ninja-ing around in there for nine months. We had our first soccer “game” this weekend… I, personally, think organized sports at age three is like expecting preschoolers to contain themselves in a big, open field.  Wait a minute… Maybe it would have gone better if I had picked up some herding tips from the farmer on our visit to his alpaca ranch the day before soccer because it wasn’t just my child; most of the kids were all over the place.  Except, of course, a few Latino children who, as it turns out, not only are bilingual, but actually have been running soccer drills since utero.  They showed up in all of the best gear including gloves!  My bad; I didn’t know anything for the hands was required for soccer since it’s a game played with your feet and all.  Oh, and our kids are three, but maybe the parents who put their kids in gloves were just making sure their kids were ready to play goalie at any given moment should one of the rogue children decide to actually put the ball in the correct net, but hey I don’t feel we can blame the kids for their lack of cooperation in organized sports, especially soccer, which probably is pretty confusing to a preschooler. This is how I imagine most conversations on the morning of soccer sound to a three year old… Parent:  Hey sweetheart, it’s pretty early, nasty, and cold outside, but let’s get dressed and hop in the car to go play SOCCER!!!! ...more

A Conversation with Husband, Better Known as A Convo with Myself

Proof that men can hear, but listening is selective… Our Monday Morning Madness: Me:  Ugh, I have a migraine and feel like I’m gonna throw up.  Can you pack the lunches? Husband:  ….. … ....more

Maybe I Should Share This E-Card Because Moms Need MORE Pressure

Today, I spent half of my day in therapy. Seriously.  First, I went to my personal therapist where we discussed feelings of inadequacy mostly concentrating on how I feel that I’m never doing enough as a mother.  Then, later in the day I met one-on-one with my son’s therapist who we usually see relating to a health issue, but today it ended up mostly being about how hard I try, but many times feel like I’m failing as a mom.  The conclusion to all of my therapy earlier today was that I should stop all of this negative “self talk” and learn to be more self-assured.  So, after setting my “positive intention” for the day to the tune of $100 an hour, I went to work you know, to provide for my family and all. Then at the end of the workday, I tried really hard to channel the “inner positive self voice” that I had drummed up earlier in the day in therapy, and I decided to try to have a family sit down dinner.  I mean, the therapists both seemed to think I could handle it as long as I suppressed my inner thoughts of, “Holy crap I burn water how can I make a healthy, wholesome, well balanced, ‘clean’ eating meal for everyone?”  But hey, they’re professionals so I took their word for it and served up some dinner ....more

My Evil Ploy for Revenge on My Husband

Even though my Pinterest fails may leave you thinking I’m not all that crafty, I’m “crafting” a sweet little revenge for my husband that could lead you to believe otherwise….  Cue the plan laugh –mooo oo oo ah ahh ahhhh.  Background:  I’m fucking tired <—- obvi, what mom isn’t?  Anywho…  I don’t mean like yawn, ooo I’m kind of a little bit tired.  I mean I’m so fatigued that I am having minor health issues.  The most prominent two issues are: 1.  I literally keep almost passing out anytime I bend over and then stand up because my blood pressure drops so low.  I’m talking like really almost blacking out with tunnel vision, stars and all.  Fun.  The only explanation the doctor can come up with for this is extreme fatigue.  Side note: I totally wouldn’t have cut it as one of those jungle/cave women who birthed babies and minutes later were gathering and working in the fields.  Let’s all take a moment and be thankful we were born in the age of computers and fast food.  Oh yeah – and for Snuggies for when times get *really* tough. 2.  Second “health issue” is blurred vision.  The eye doc checked my vision, and it’s 20/20 but apparently I am so tired that I actually can’t see straight.  Granted the doctor also said it could be hormones here. Whether the blurred vision is from fatigue or hormones is really neither here nor there.  I mean if it’s not fatigue, who in their right mind would want to mess with a broad that is so hormonal they literally can’t see straight?  Apparently my husband.  My husband would like to mess with the beast… Enter the reason for my evil plan.  It went down yesterday morning…  As babies like to do, our little one woke up at the crack.  I asked sir hubs to take him downstairs so I could sleep a bit longer.  I didn’t think an extra hour of sleep was too much to ask considering the above health issues, but as I’ve shared before, even though my husband is actually a pretty decent guy, he’s kind of like a hibernating bear on horse tranquilizers when he’s sleeping.  The man can seriously sleep through anything.  I know ....more

The Very Hungry Mommy

I dedicate this to all of the mothers who have gone years without a hot meal and as a result, have suffered from hanger.   In the light of the moon, a mom lay in her bed each night. Every morning at the ass crack of dawn – pop! ...more

7 Reasons NOT to Get a Dog if You Have (or ever want to have) a Baby

If you have or want a baby, why shouldn’t you get a dog? 1.  It will wake up the baby. 2.  It will wake up the f*#@ing baby. 3.  You will spend an average of 17 hours a day trying to get the baby to sleep and then as soon as you have succeeded, the flipping dog will wake up the baby!!! 4.  You will never, EVER be alone even once your kids are in bed because you have a dog who will still be in your face. 5.  If your dog is like mine, she will bark like a maniac (waking the baby, obviously) if you breathe too loudly, but when someone is robbing your husband’s truck right in your driveway? Nothing…. 6.  On top of everything else you will be stressing about with your baby/kids, you will feel guilty for being so angry at the dog and not giving the dog enough attention.  7.  IT WILL WAKE THE BABY AND DRIVE YOU TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY!!! So, I guess you know what kind of day I’ve had… ....more

How Having a Baby Affected My Marriage

My second child is now four-months-old. Before he was born, all I heard was “having two kids is no joke.” People would constantly tell me how difficult it was to handle two kids and what a change it was from having only one child. They certainly did not lie, but I’m thankful to report that there is one area that I needlessly worried would be affected by baby number two: my marriage....more
Thanks for the article. We don't have kids yet but this sounds like my marriage, and i'm sure ...more

24 Hours Unplugged & I Lived to Blog About It

 Have you ever pitched a tent and camped out in your backyard?  It’s not exactly the same as sleeping in a tent in the middle of the woods.  When I considered doing a day unplugged with my family, I didn’t want to just “campout in the backyard.”  If we were going to do it, we were going to really do it, except that by “really do it” I mean more 90’s style than fully Amish.Here were the rules:...more
I'm sure my 6 year-old would have a similar reaction to not having my ipod. This sounds like so ...more