PrincessWarrioretc : MyBlogHer Profile

If you had asked me a year ago to fill in an 'About Me' space I would have dribbled out the same sappy cheesy BS that is typed out on my facebook page. It reads something like this:

I am a wife and mother. I love my children. They are my life. I enjoy crafting and reading. I love movies, blah, blah, blah...

Knowing about me a year ago is vital to knowing who I am today. Who I am fundamentally.

I believe the theory that we are who we are going to be by the age of six. Our personalities are set, our thinking and acting/reacting habits are all laid out. The foundation is set.

I also believe that all the crap and goodness that life throws in your path can either hinder that foundation from fully developing or it helps.

My path started out nice and clean. No obstacles. I was a brilliant child. I could have done anything I wanted. I was sweet. I was shy. I loved my friends. I loved my family. I was compassionate. I was strong.

Somewhere along the way I dirtied my path with bad choices. Again and again. There was no self esteem. There was no God. There was no hope. There was no future. I was to remain stagnant. Wallowing in a world of bad choices and the consequences that followed. No forward movement.

Shortly after my daughter was born I started having revelations about who I was in that moment, and who I was supposed to be. I looked at my beautiful little princess and thought that I too was a beautiful princess, once. She is a happy and bright little angel. I must have been, once. She wakes up with a smile on her face and faces the world with no obstacles. I thought that maybe I too had those mornings.

I was so sad. I cried. I feared that whatever caused me to evolve from a bright, truly happy, little angel princess into the worn, tired, angry, bitter person I was, in that moment, would happen to her. I didn't want that for her. I wanted her to remain a princess. Forever.

I knew that she would have battles in her life. Who doesn't? But I would rather die, and take her with me, to keep her from the same battles that I created and fought. It wasn't a great place to be.

One thing that I was certain of, about myself, is that if I don't like something, I change it. I didn't like where I was. I didn't like where the little princess could be if she followed in my footsteps.

I began to really dig-in deep, pray, meditate, anything I could to find the root of me. Who was I? Who was I supposed to be? What the hell happened along the way to take me from princess to an unhappy blah of a person?

There were some pretty clear and defining moments in my life to which I could have pointed my finger. Happenstance. But that was too easy. This was not about the people that had wronged me, hurt me, abused me. There had to be a reason I allowed myself to be in a position to have these occurrences.

There were tears, phone calls, journaling, yelling, and more crying.

Ultimately, it was simple conclusion. I didn't love myself.

I thought I was kinda pretty. I thought I was kinda smart. I thought I was kinda funny. I might have had some talents if the stars were all aligned properly.

But, I didn't love myself.

Somewhere on my path I had convinced myself that I wasn't deserving of happiness, success, achievement, and even health. I just wasn't good enough.

The past year has been one of healing and learning. I had to address all the situations in my life that caused this. I wasn't addressing this with anyone other than myself. It's not about blaming. It's about fixing.

So... About me:

I am a sweet, shy, confident, beautiful, brave, strong, thoughtful, cautious, intellectual, smart, wise woman.

I have beautiful angelic children. I have some goals. I know where I'm going.