Letting go and holding on.

My breakup began around the beginning of January last year. For a long time I designated January 5th for when it all began. I'm not sure exactly if it was that day, but January 5th always seemed right to me. I didn't move out until February 16th, so that's when it will be officially the One Year Anniversary. So to commemorate this time last year, my subconscious has decided that every night I have to have some kind of dreadful, nightmarish, gut-wrenching dream about my ex; every night since New Years Eve. Every. Fucking. Night....more

Diversions: A breakup's best friend.

The holidays keep moving along, coming whether I'm ready or not, and I've been thinking about things like dealing with nostalgia ("Breakups vs. The Holidays") and triumphantly putting up my first Christmas tree on my own ("I'm a Christmas-aholic"). But it's still a tough time no matter what. I still have twinges of panic when I'm faced with the holidays and when that happens, I dig into my bag of diversions, take one out, and become my usual compulsive self over it. One of these diversions is one I've mentioned before. If you know me now, you know I love beauty products and makeup. ...more

Breakups vs. The Holidays

The holidays are approaching and this leaves with some mixed feelings. You see, my breakup began shortly after New Years and although we were still together during the actual holidays, they were still tinged with crap.Because of this, I’ve been thinking about what to expect this year when Christmas gets closer and I wondered just how much the memories of the breakup might affect the holidays for me. I mean, I was warned that my first holidays without my ex would be wracked with nostalgic emotional bullshit, but at first I found this hard to believe. ...more

Remembering it now.

"I'm not writing it down to remember it later, I'm writing it down to remember it now." -- Field Notes One of the things I learned at the start of this breakup was that my love of list-making and data-keeping was going to somehow help me sort all this shit out. And guess what? It did....more

Stockholm Syndrome

When you’re in the shit, you can’t really see straight. I mean, who can blame you? You’re in shit. Let me explain. ...more

Uh oh, here come the meat dreams.

Through writing this post I realized that my ex, the man I was in a relationship for 9 years, was never really my partner in the relationship. Understanding that has been a huge help to me as I recover. Read this and you might identify with it -- or at the very least you may just laugh. It's kind of a funny story. ...more

How filling out a Customs Declaration Form can break your heart.

Last summer, about 6 months before my ex and I broke up, we took a vacation with a fellow couple to Costa Rica. This trip was about 2 years in the planning. One would never assume that a trip that took almost 2 years to plan would proceed to break your will to live.And after all was said and done, our relationship was tested with one tiny government form.... of all things. ...more


I drove down the highway late one night from work, and as I headed for home it began to occur to me that I wasn't going home the same way I had gone the past few years on that familar drive. I had to take a new route, to my new home. My home without him. Tired from a long day, all I wanted to do was fall into my bed in my own home, with him. Scenarios starting spinning around in my head. ...more

Isn't it great to get these images that protect us from going back to where we no longer ...more