Memo To Whomever: Childbirth Is ALWAYS An Accomplishment, No Matter How You Do It

I would want to hear the context for the quote - did Emma Thompson say - and people who get an epidural or have a c-section are less impressive? From just the quote itself, I don't entirely understand your pique. So she counts this as one of her accomplishments, that does not imply that she looks down her nose at people who did it differently. I am proud of my labor, just as I am proud of not running off and joining the circus when my daughter turned into a crazy toddler. 

I have made a lot of parenting decisions that make me feel good abot myself. This in no way implies that I think that people who make different choices are inferior. I'm just happy with what works for me. This all feels like a bit of a tempest in a teapot. 

http://www.nonlineargirl.com

I've had three kids:  the first was an emergency c-section; 2nd was a long, and slow labor with a lovely epidural and some 'please stop throwing up' drugs; 3rd was totally natural, but super, super fast.  All three were amazing experiences and I could NEVER say that my son's birth was a bigger 'achievement' b/c I didn't have drugs! 

Just holding a newborn baby in my arms was the most amazing achievement, each and every time.

Fairly Odd Mother

http://fairlyoddmother.blogspot.com

My first pregnancy I had every intention of having a natural birth, no drugs, but then I went into labor and after 24 hours of labor with no progression despite having been induced...twice, I opted for the drugs. after another 48 hours I was opted for the epidural and by day 3 they did an emergency c-section on me.

With my second labor, I had a great doctor who informed me that I didn't have to have another c-section so i was ecstatic, but then my labor started progressing the same as the first, by day 2 I was given an epidural and day 3 I gave birth, but thankfully not c-section.

as of right now there is a strong possibility of being pregnant again (ugh 2-week wait) and I can say that I am opting for a c-section right out the door. I will not go through labor like that again. despite the fact that I became extremely ill due to my first c-section.

Sure I give props to people who do it without drugs, but I give props to anyone giving birth and then surviving the teen years. My oldest is 11 and turning 16 next month, but I remember what my teen years were like and I give mad props to my mum for not murdering me during those horrid years.

Childbirth is of course, an accomplishment no matter how it happens.  I don't think Emma Thompson was trying to say otherwise.  But there is something very empowering about being able to go through the process drug free and I don't see why that can't be celebrated.  I have had three kids without epidurals and what does that mean?  It means I could have been a pioneer woman.  It means I wouldn't have died in childbirth.  And thank goodness for everyone that we have modern medicine and epidurals and stuff so that a lot more moms and babies make it though the process.

I think you are overreacting a little bit.  I don't think her comment was meant to belittle or devalue other births. I agree with Atena, that Emma can define her victories any way she likes.   

First off, let me begin by shouting out an emphatic "go, sista!" to Catherine for posting these thoughts and initiating such a tremendously interesting discussion. KUDOS! What could be more dear to a mother's heart than the birth of her child? Honestly, I was eyeing this link on my blogher ad for two days! I am so glad that I did not resist the urge to click over!

There is no doubt that every mother has the right to consider the birth of her children an accomplishment. Carrying and birthing a baby is no easy task no matter what the circumstances. In the same way, neither is it an easy task to choose not to have children at all, or to adopt or to suffer the pains of infertility. We'd all like to believe other people's lives easier than our own when that is, indeed, not the case!

There is also no doubt that a woman's flaunting her "natural birth" as a means of trying to make another woman feel less of a mother is entirely ridiculous, not to mention, rude. No woman's accomplishments should ever be flaunted in a manner that purposely diminishes the accomplishments of another. After all, what are we, men?! Anyone who engages in that kind of flaunting behavior needs a reality check or a good psychatrist, as she clearly has an inferiority complex!

That is to say then, that if I, as a mother who birthed all three of her children via c-section (the last one less than three months ago) allow the rude behavior and comments of ignorant women to diminish the pride or joy that I take in being a mother, how that came to be OR my decisions about the manner in which I raise my children, then I am allowing that person to diminish the beauty of those precious moments and my memories of them. Time spent in resentment is time ill-spent!

While a cesarian section was not a choice I made in delivering my first, I am proud to say that it WAS entirely my choice with my doctor for my second and third babies. Becoming a mother is an exciting experience no matter what. Every mother who chooses what's best for her baby is making the right choice when it comes to the manner of birth! However the child makes it to the light, the child makes it and graces the world with her/his presence! And for those of you wondering, yes, the endorphins flow just the same with c-section births! No matter how much morphine they pumped into my system, sleep was not an option for me after the birth of my girls.

What we are really talking about here is not the argument of natural vs. unnatural birth, but simple common courtesy. Let's stick together and respect each other, trusting that every mother wants what's best for her child and chooses just that.

Stepping down from the soap box now.

Read more about my first and second daughters' birth here. ( http://takenwithagrainofsalt.com/home/2008/01/08/w... )

Read the narrative (beginning 10/07/2008)of my third daughter's birth here. ( http://takenwithagrainofsalt.com/home/category/bir... )

I was totally with you up until you said: "I don't think the ecstasy biology kicks in so hard if drugs are used."   People who have given birth naturally seem to assume to know how we who have had epidurals and other interventions feel.  Don't assume to know our experiences - IMO I think that's the point she's trying to make.  I bonded with my children easily, even though I had epidurals and pain meds.  They nursed for over a year. 

Thank you for posting this - I had PTSD after the birth of my son - but it was from the pregnancy.  I cried at the thought of becoming pregnant again for three years after I had him, I couldn't bear the thought of the hip ligament pain and the lack of sleep it caused, again.  He was a big boy (9lb 15oz) and had a 90 percentile head - I was so thankful for the epidural - it was the first time I hadn't been in pain in 45 days.  

My first childbirth was very much like taycesmom ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... ), except longer times.  And a nurse and doctor that told me I was getting an epidural so that I could survive to have the child.  My second childbirth was scheduled csection.  I don't do child birth well (almost died both times, literally) so surviving it was an accomplishment for me.  I do agree that everyone has the right to define their own accomplishment, and I don't think (from the little I see here) that Emma was trying to project her sense of accomplishment on all women.  But I also understand the need to jump in and defend myself for my sense of accomplishment, as I have been made to feel less motherly for having had to have csections.

It constantly amazes me how much of motherhood is a seen as a competition between us, instead of us supporting each other and our choices.

mamalang

ooooo   I  TOTALLY agree with geeky mummy!  what she said

I guess I have the opposite problem. I have had a tough non-medicated birth and everytime I say anything people get defensive. Ahhhh! Guess we all need to chill out like you and just own whatever experience we were blessed with!! 

I agree with Atena and Emmy M.  Childbirth and mothering is an accomplishment whether or not it was drug and intervention free.  I feel a lot of drugs and interventions are unnecessary and overused but I also recognize the importance of both the drugs and interventions when in certain situations.  As long as the babes arrive safely and healthy...who cares?  I have had all of my children drug and intervention free as well as at my home.  I consider giving birth my greatest achievement but in no way think another woman's "intervened" or epiduraled b irths less of an achievement.

Geekymummy,

I think that you hit the nail on the head.

More than one nail. Spot on regarding the endorphin high that I'm sorry I missed, and  the medical establishment's blind-ish spots.

http://thecalmbeforethestork.com

http://twitter.com/afterthestork

Hey Emmy M,

I get it! Thanks for coming back through and saying more.

This is such a sensitive subject.

I agree, a sense of accomplishment is totally up to the accomplisher -- for setting and achieving a goal.

And it's up to me to be proud of what I did, and chose, too.

Yours,

J. 

http://thecalmbeforethestork.com

http://twitter.com/afterthestork

Geekymummy

I agree wholeheardedly with Atena. But wanted to add a comment, having given birth to both of mine "naturally", I, like Ms Thompson, still vividly recall the euphoria I felt when my babies arrived, and the incredible transfomative power of the labor and delivery. It is a biological thing, endorphins pumping like crazy. I only ever did it this way, so I can't compare it to any other way of birthing, but I don't think the ecstacy biology kicks in so hard if drugs are used. I loved giving birth, I was lucky it all went so well (yes, it did hurt a lot), and I'm actually sad that I won't do it again.  I don't talk about it much, afraid of appearing judgemental. I'm not at all. I do feel that the medical establishment lets women down though. Many Obstetricians have never even seen natural birth. It isn't promoted or encouraged at all in this country, which is sad. I'm all for choice, but the choice to birth naturally has been taken away from American women.

When I had my son (my first and only so far), I was in excruciating, accelerated (He wanted out!) labor for two hours, had an epidural because I was literally contracting constantly, labored painlessly for two more hours and then pushed for two hours.  My son suddenly changed his mind about coming out and refused to move and I ended up having a C-section.  At the time I was calm and rational and just excited to see my baby no matter what method of exit he was making from my body.  Talk about accomplishments?  I was not only CUT OPEN to give birth to my child but then I was stapled back together while my screaming newborn was taken away from me without so much as a touch and I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the next hour WITHOUT MY BABY!  I survived the moments following childbirth WITHOUT MY BABY.  That is MY accomplishment.

I've gone back and forth between having another C-section or attempting a vaginal birth on my next child and I have finally decided that I will most likely have another C-section.  For some time, I felt "cheated" having gone through labor and pushing just to end up in a surgical room completely unable to feel ANYTHING.  But after witnessing the birth of my neice, I wasn't overcome with the beauty of "natural" childbirth and I realized that regardless of the method - the outcome was the same - and that was the beautiful part.  A baby was born and just because mine was born six inches higher than others, doesn't make it any less special or accomplished.

I say bravo! to those who do it without pain medication...but then again I say bravo! to those who do it at all.  Thanks for your post!

www.taycesspace.com ( http://www.taycesspace.com )

To Mothercrone - my niece recently underwent an emergency C-section and was really in pain for a few days afterwards.  In her case, while recuperating, it was hard for her to care for the baby.  Her husband really had to step in.  It took an emotional toll as well as physical.

What you said about competition I think is true.  We all want to feel that we're good moms, so it seems easy to fall into competition with each other.  Can't we all be good moms in our own unique way? 

http://www.storyrhyme.com/jcsblog

I wonder if a lot of the failure I feel is because, on top of everything else, I do feel like my body failed me.  Yes, in my head I know that allowing medical intervention when I was miscarrying might have been necessary - I didn't know, and probably never will know, if that D&C was necessary.  I signed the papers without thinking about it to do the emergency cesarean when my son was in distress after a failed induction, but then I swear it took me at least 6 months to connect with the boy, his birth was lacking any connection because they waved this purple squalling thing over the curtain, then my husband left with him, and I was lying there listening to mumbling and suction.  Not much bonding in the hospital either, because they kept having to take him out to test his kidney and make sure everything was okay with him.  Then with my daughter - well, no VBAC, no hospital allows it - and then it turned out she was "nonviable" and I was at risk of rupture, so in the hospital again to be sliced open and torn apart, without a baby to carry home. 

Pain, physical or emotional, is difficult to compare because it is dependent on so many factors.  I regularly have doctors act like I'm insane when I tell them I don't need pain medication for things, it's not that I'm trying to prove I'm tough, it's just that even "mild" anaesthesia like lidocaine can really mess me up.  I'd rather just handle the pain than be out of control of my body.  It's the same reason I don't drink.  But I'm not going to look at you and say "You don't need to take the meds" because you are not me.  But it makes me insane when someone hears "c-section" and says "oh, you took the easy way out."  Yes, natural childbirth is natural.  If I'd had "natural" childbirth, who knows?  My son and I might both be dead.  Actually, my son might never have had the chance to be conceived because I might have died with the miscarriage.  My mother did have natural childbirth with my 10+ pound brother, if they hadn't been able to go in quickly and do unnatural medical intervention like stitching bits of her back together she'd likely be dead of hemorrhage or childbed fever. 

I think really we're all so desperate to know we're taking care of the kids we have that we get competitive trying to prove something, and that's an easy comparison mark.

Thanks for your post. You said what I was trying to say better (waaay better) than I did! Check out my blog at http://brotherchronicles.blogspot.com/

Hey CalmMama, 

Didn't intend to anger anyone. Given your story, wouldn't you be in the "circumstances make other options safest" catagory I mentioned in my original post? I'll reiterate here what I said there: I truly don't think you are less of a mother/woman for listening to your medical team and doing what was best for your baby. In your circumstance I'm certain I would have done the same.

Maybe I sounded smug because I got lucky and didn't run into any circumstances that would preclude my plan of natural birth? I don't know, guess I didn't communicate it well, but my whole point in posting was to put it out there that if someone plans a natural birth and accomplishes it, shouldn't she be allowed to feel accomplished? Why would anyone ever try to diminish a feeling like that? Maybe I did go overboard in the choosing department, but I know as well as anyone whose birthed that it is utterly impossible to control the process, so thanks for highlighting that.

Well, at the very least we agree that children are what really matters...

Thanks for letting me try to explain myself; hopefully my post won't sound so obnoxious now...

Check out my blog at http://brotherchronicles.blogspot.com/

Natural, epidural, adoption, test tube, or delivered by a stork - sheesh, did I forget anything? - I've also gone through 4 vaginal births sans medication and (as Emma Thompson) am just very thankful to have made it through, in one piece and with most of my body parts, still attached.

Since, you know, the parenting part WILL most probably kill me - thoughtful post, as always, Catherine. 

--------------------------------------------

This Full House ( http://thisfullhouse.com )

This Full House Reviews ( http://thisfullhouse.com/reviews )

Imperfect Parent ( http://www.imperfectparent.com )

Of course good parenting is a much bigger accomplishment than birth. Of course not everyone has the ability to choose whether or not to use epidural or other pain medication or whether or not to have a c-section, for a variety of reasons. Of course a healthy baby and mother are the most important thing.

Comma however, I am another mom who, like Emma Thompson, feels a sense of personal accomplishment about my med-free labor and birth. It was a challenge for me and something that I wanted to achieve, and I doubted my own strength and ability to persevere but tried to educate myself as much as possible about the process. After the birth I was, first and foremost, profoundly grateful that things went well and that no medical intervention was necessary, but I also felt and feel proud of myself for sticking it out. I did not find the experience as traumatic or as painful as many women seem to (despite 17 hours of active labor), for which I consider myself lucky -- not to say it wasn't extremely challenging. The main reasons I wanted a natural birth are because I was not convinced of the safety of epidural anesthesia for the baby and wanted to avoid any drugs in his system if possible, and to avoid a c-section because I want a large family -- not to be a martyr.

So I don't think that Ms. Thompson was necessarily trying to take anything away from anyone else's birth experience by considering her own an accomplishment.

Emmy M

You talk about how people shouldn't be smug, but you sound smug. I wanted to "protect" my baby. I had a "strong committment" to a birth without medical interventions including pain medications. I had a "herculean" "team" on my side.

And yet, after 24 hours of unmedicated labor and baby's heart rate beginning to slow, I had to use other "options." You mention the word "choose" an awful lot. I'd hardly say I chose the situation I was in. I barely chose the interventions. I wanted my baby to live. Period.

You  might say I'm different because I didn't want the epidural initially. But instead of feeling like you and I are like-minded, I feel angered by your statements. 

Your comment was the only one that elicited those feelings. It's my problem that I wish the birth had been different, of course.

It's just that you claim not to be righteous and you came across to me as righteous, so I had to say something. 

I agree with everyone else who says that the baby is the real prize. I love my baby. 

http://thecalmbeforethestork.com

http://twitter.com/afterthestork

Having three children - I have experienced birth differently each time.  I don't think of my birth that was au naturel any differently than the two that used epidurals.  Honestly, raising my children to be happy productve citizens in the world is a much bigger deal to me than the means of how I got them here.

amy

My Nanny Deprived Life ( http://www.mynannydeprivedlife.blogspot.com )

This hits the nail on the head. Totally. 

FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com )

I think most of you are missing the point about natural childbirth. I've had two: one super difficult and long and the other shorter, but still incredibly challenging. Going natural is not just a desire to have a more painful birth so mom can have bragging rights. Most who choose natural choose it in an effort to protect baby from possible complications associated with synthetic pain treatments. We don't thrive on pain and it is difficult to maintain our resolve to resist the epidural. Natural childbirth doesn't just happen for moms who choose it, it is the result of lots of research, a very strong commitment, almost always a herculean team effort. So I don't think we should knock someone for setting a really tough goal & achieving it.

That said, I don't think it's fair for natural birth moms to smuggly insinuate that women who choose epidurals or c-sections are lesser mothers because they didn't choose natural or because circumstances make another option the safest. To the point that birth is an accomplishment no matter how it happens: absolutely!!!! And tho natural birth is crazy hard, parenting is harder, so let's be most proud of our kids, b/c they are the result that really matters.

And one final thing: natural childbirth is the natural way to do it. Sorry. Drugs and surgery are not natural; they are human interventions. Doesn't make one more righteous than another, just the facts.

Check out my blog at http://brotherchronicles.blogspot.com/

My births were the same as yours (the author)...one difficult, long one with an epidural, one fast and crazy one with no meds while I was WAITING on the epidural. I am equally as proud of both CHILDREN, but I have never been proud of myself for GIVING BIRTH...it isn't like I had a choice in the matter...when it was time, there was no turning back!

Way to go me! I gave birth after carrying a baby for 9 months! 

CanCan

Mom Most Traveled

www.MomMostTraveled.com ( http://www.MomMostTraveled.com )

http://dirtandnoise.com

A left leaning mom's blog about her boys, politics, and other musings 

Many thanks for your post. I have had more than one fellow mom accuse me of not really giving birth because I had an epidural. Many have also claimed that I didn't really experience child birth because I was dilated to 8 cm when I got to the hospital (I dilated that much quickly, at home, without drugs.), was in labor for all of 4 hours, and literally pushed 3 times in a span of 20 minutes. Same birth story for both kids. I am tired of hearing that I'm not part of the sorority of motherhood because I don't have a grueling labor story.

 I say hooray for motherhood however you got here!

So when the nurse told me I didn't have time for one, my husband said my eyes popped open so wide, I looked like a cartoon character.  I had to have the nurse repeat it once more.  "No epidural."  I'd been counting on drugs to alleviate the pain.  When I arrived at the hospital, I was at 1 centimeter.  I progressed to 10 in an hour (I don't recommend this).  They didn't expect me to have my son for about 12 hours or so.  

I think we should have our babies any way we can (to echo the sentiments of the other moms out there). 

When I would ask my mom (mother of 5) about her childbirth experiences, she'd say, "I don't know, I'd wake up and they'd bring me the baby," or something like that.   

Spread the Joy!

http://www.storyrhyme.com/jcsblog

See, I've always felt like the 3 c-sections that I've had were "less than" those of you who did have their babies "naturally" - I ALWAYS have. From the 1st, 12 years ago, to the last, 19 months ago.  Just the term "Natural Childbirth" is obnoxious to me because what was mine? unnatural?  So I know exactly what you're saying, and I agree 100%. It shouldn't be a competition.  But it always will be.

Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You ( http://dawnandjimmy.us/blog/ )

... Emma can define her victories however she likes. And I think it's great that she values her accomplishments as a mother over her professional accomplishments. Part of my point was, however, that the birthing of the baby is kinda the *least* challenging part of parenting, but that's just me. In any case, it DOES make a statement when a public figure says 'THIS, to me, is the greatest way to give birth' and that kind of statement does diminish other experiences.

The bigger point, but one that I didn't really tease out here, is that rhetoric about the superiority of natural childbirth can really work to make women feel disappointed in themselves when they don't get to have that - because often it's not a choice - and that, I think, is a shame.

 Any birth is an accomplishment.  But Ms. Thompson should be able to define for herself what accomplishments are most treasured and make her feel good about herself. Different women feel good about different things.

I see this a lot with parenting discussions - many of us are still licking our wounds about what went wrong for us, and we may respond defensively to other people's victories.  Emma Thompson feeling good about her natural childbirth isn't an indictment of anything that you've done.  It would be different if she said it was the most fulfilling experience ANY woman could EVER have, but her personal victory doesn't take anything away from me. 

I started my birth at home ready to climb into a steamy tub of water, and several hours later, my daughter was born in an operating room by emergency c-section.  And it was totally necessary.  But I'm grateful for the few hours I was able to spend in active labor, because I really wanted that experience.  That few hours of work made me feel more accomplished than the time I spent in the OR.

However the kids get here, mom has earned some stripes.  But if mom can earn those stripes in a way that makes her feel more empowered and positive, well, a celebration of one choice doesn't have to be an attack on another.

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth.  Keep telling your birth story to people who won't judge it.  I think you are right-on about PTSD and birth - a lot of women are totally traumatized and expected to just get over it, smile and show off their beautiful baby. Many women will testify that while they love their babies, they still feel bad about their births.  The more we tell our stories, the more people understand that birth doesn't happen any one particular way, and it helps us heal, too.

Assumptions, Biases & Irrational Fantasies ( http://antibias.wordpress.com )

I have 4 children.  Son 6, daughter 4, step daughter 4.5 and a newborn son.  I had an epidural for each.  I debated being riteous during my last delivery.  But after a painful contraction made me vomit...it didnt take me long to scream "where is the epidural".  I didn't feel a thing and the moment was just as special.  I felt at least part of my other 2 deliveries.  So I say be comfortable and enjoy the experience.

www.mammatalk.blogspot.com ( http://www.mammatalk.blogspot.com/ )

 I  was wheeled into the operating room for my lovely C-section b/c  my water broke due to my 103 degree fever. Was unlucky enough to catch the flu in my 9th month. Had a terrible cough which made the epidural fun. "You need to refrain from coughing while I put a needle into your spine."

Natural childbirth? Wish I could have been so lucky.

 In other words, I agree with you. There's no easy way to have a baby!

and having a heavily medicated birth followed by un medicated super fast and then followed by delivering a dead baby.....

I would have to say that....WHO CARES HOW YOU DO IT??

 what you want is healthy and alive babies.

After that.....PARENTING is next big challenge.

MAKING LIFE GREAT FOR YOUR KIDS...HELPING THEM GROW UP.....

not freaking medals on who survived HOW much pain.

sorry for shouting..do agree with you....

but now that my kids are older.....PARENTING is hard.  Harder than not sleeping, eating or bathing.

WORRYING about the mental well being of your children is the toughest thing I have ever faced.....after the death of my son. 

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

Thank you. I'll spare you the details of my traumatic birth story, but needless to say I'm thankful for the epidural. I couldn't agree with you more. It's a choice a woman makes, plain and simple. It doesn't make you better or worse or more accomplished. I'm glad that we live in an era where we HAVE choice. Isn't that the femenist ideal? The idea that natural childbirth is somehow better is preposterous. If you want to do it, more power to you... I'll take everything medical science has to offer, thanks.