Men Are People, Too. (Step away from that dating book.)

You know what? Dating self-help books are crap.

For one thing, many dating books - almost all aimed at women - are generally based on the premise that men are Neanderthals. You know what? I have a lot of male friends, and I have had male friends for as long as I can remember. And they are not simpletons. They have emotions and fears and insecurities just like us. When you think he's afraid of commitment, or that he got nervous, or he's not over his last relationship, you're probably right. That's called instincts and empathy, not stupidity.

Now, if you stay in a situation that's not good for you, that's a problem, but to see someone's behavior and posture a realistic theory is not stupid, nor is it neurotic or silly. Neither is hanging around long enough to ask him what's up, and neither is respecting him enough to believe what he's telling you when you don't have any evidence - hard or gut instinct - to suggest that you shouldn't. In the past five years, I've absorbed all these messages from dating self-help books, to the tips of my toes and the ends of my hair, and you know what? I am sick of being afraid that I am being a fool at every turn.

Because here's another big thing about dating self-help books. They assume we're all the same, too. That we all want the same things.

Well, OK, I suppose most of us (men and women) who want to meet someone want someone trustworthy and honest. In my heart and in my soul, what I want is someone like me. Someone who works as hard, and who's got ambitions and goals, like me. Someone who cares about their appearance and has various interests and who makes me laugh and who makes me think. So, OK, maybe that makes me like you.

But, I'm not looking for someone who makes a lot of money or who owns a home. I couldn't care less about that stuff. I like someone who's still striving, like me, and I prefer to date right around my own age, and a crazy schedule suits me just fine. So does a little neurosis. Makes me feel at home. Oh, and a little dash of occasional arrogance for good measure. I like confidence. I like that in myself and that's what I'm looking for. Maybe that makes me not quite like you.

Hardly surprising since we are individuals long before we are Women. And the individual men in our worlds are looking for a diverse spectrum of qualities, too. Certainly, none of my (all somewhat neurotic) male friends are simply searching for the best looking cow.

I think about where I was datingwise in my 20s. I was so brave, so romantic. I thought the change in me in the last five years was an age thing, or a location thing - that the dating pool in Los Angeles was just so different (which it probably is, but that's another post). But now I think that what's really changed me was is that I had never read a dating self-help book back then. I had my own ideas, and I crashed around, and I did fine. My friends that read "The Rules," on the other hand, were insane.

I think "He's Just Not That Into You" has had me a little insane.

Men are people. Just like you. Call when you want. Do what you want. Communicate. See how he feels and how he makes you feel and then stay or go or just have fun or dream about marriage. Think about real things before you walk away at the drop of a pin. Follow your instincts, stand up for yourself, think about who you are and what you want. When do you want to bend and when do you want to stand firm?

My dating advice? When in doubt, I always say to myself, if this was happening with a girlfriend, what would I do? Men are people. They're not some secret species that you need a book to figure out. Each one is different, just like we are.

And if that advice doesn't speak to you, then I say, go with that instinct and do what you want. Especially while dating.

How about you? Dating books bad, or dating books good?  Driving you crazy, or driving you right into the arms of your dream date?

~

Related reading:

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships A great post on BlogHer from Cady.

Do Women Read More? Maybe that's why all those stupid self-help books are written to us.

Are You Ready To Be Single Again? Make sure you didn't miss this BlogHer post from Zandria.

Sometimes the stories are true... Ouch. It's a whincer.

Overheard: He's Just Not That Into You... OK, maybe don't do this.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.