Men Are People, Too. (Step away from that dating book.)

You know what? Dating self-help books are crap.

For one thing, many dating books - almost all aimed at women - are generally based on the premise that men are Neanderthals. You know what? I have a lot of male friends, and I have had male friends for as long as I can remember. And they are not simpletons. They have emotions and fears and insecurities just like us. When you think he's afraid of commitment, or that he got nervous, or he's not over his last relationship, you're probably right. That's called instincts and empathy, not stupidity.

Now, if you stay in a situation that's not good for you, that's a problem, but to see someone's behavior and posture a realistic theory is not stupid, nor is it neurotic or silly. Neither is hanging around long enough to ask him what's up, and neither is respecting him enough to believe what he's telling you when you don't have any evidence - hard or gut instinct - to suggest that you shouldn't. In the past five years, I've absorbed all these messages from dating self-help books, to the tips of my toes and the ends of my hair, and you know what? I am sick of being afraid that I am being a fool at every turn.

Because here's another big thing about dating self-help books. They assume we're all the same, too. That we all want the same things.

Well, OK, I suppose most of us (men and women) who want to meet someone want someone trustworthy and honest. In my heart and in my soul, what I want is someone like me. Someone who works as hard, and who's got ambitions and goals, like me. Someone who cares about their appearance and has various interests and who makes me laugh and who makes me think. So, OK, maybe that makes me like you.

But, I'm not looking for someone who makes a lot of money or who owns a home. I couldn't care less about that stuff. I like someone who's still striving, like me, and I prefer to date right around my own age, and a crazy schedule suits me just fine. So does a little neurosis. Makes me feel at home. Oh, and a little dash of occasional arrogance for good measure. I like confidence. I like that in myself and that's what I'm looking for. Maybe that makes me not quite like you.

Hardly surprising since we are individuals long before we are Women. And the individual men in our worlds are looking for a diverse spectrum of qualities, too. Certainly, none of my (all somewhat neurotic) male friends are simply searching for the best looking cow.

I think about where I was datingwise in my 20s. I was so brave, so romantic. I thought the change in me in the last five years was an age thing, or a location thing - that the dating pool in Los Angeles was just so different (which it probably is, but that's another post). But now I think that what's really changed me was is that I had never read a dating self-help book back then. I had my own ideas, and I crashed around, and I did fine. My friends that read "The Rules," on the other hand, were insane.

I think "He's Just Not That Into You" has had me a little insane.

Men are people. Just like you. Call when you want. Do what you want. Communicate. See how he feels and how he makes you feel and then stay or go or just have fun or dream about marriage. Think about real things before you walk away at the drop of a pin. Follow your instincts, stand up for yourself, think about who you are and what you want. When do you want to bend and when do you want to stand firm?

My dating advice? When in doubt, I always say to myself, if this was happening with a girlfriend, what would I do? Men are people. They're not some secret species that you need a book to figure out. Each one is different, just like we are.

And if that advice doesn't speak to you, then I say, go with that instinct and do what you want. Especially while dating.

How about you? Dating books bad, or dating books good? Driving you crazy, or driving you right into the arms of your dream date?

Comments

Dating books

I recommend "If the Buddha Dated" by Charloette Kasl. It's a heart centered approach to dating that helps women deal with their own issues that are often triggered in a relationship and it isn't anything like a "Rules" dating book. Over the years whilr I was dating, I read and re-read chapters in the book, which are short and poignant, that helped me through challenging times.

Good luck to all of you gals in the dating pool! And, hang in there (and don't settle!)
Helene
http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com

Submitted by moddivorce on Tue, 10/02/2007 - 09:43

I started dating relatively

I started dating relatively late, for a whole host of reasons. When I finally decided that dating was something I not only wanted but could do, I did what many a good librarian does when approaching a new subject - I researched it. I spent about...hmmmm...two or three years reading every relationship article or book that I could get my hands on. I also jumped from one online dating service to another. And I knew just knew if I applied myself, read, and kept an open mind, I'd meet somebody.

Now, it's five years later...I'm still single, not dating anyone, and fairly burnt out on the whole shebang. That no doubt has more to do with my approach to dating (which is really no different than my approach to anything else in my life, it's just a whole lot less successful in that area than it is in say...work) than online dating or relationship books as a whole. Plus, relationship books are not all bad - it all depends what you want to get out of them. If you expect that reading them will make you instantly able to have the relationship you want, you're fooling yourself. Books are great for learning many things, but they're no substitute for the trial and error of actually living your life. If you think that reading them will mean that you'll never be hurt or feel like a fool in a relationship again (and I suspect that's why a lot of us turn to these things), again you're fooling yourself. You're going to get hurt and you're going to fail and look foolish from time to time. We all do that, whether we're single or married or dating or not even interested in looking.

I think the best relationship books are a little like a really honest friend - they hold the mirror up to the worst bits so that you can do something about them. But really, if you have a friend like that...go with them rather than the books. They're probably more accurate and I'm quite sure that the people give better hugs (and are more likely to buy you a "sometimes relationships suck" beer).

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger]

Submitted by Caffeinated Librarian on Tue, 10/02/2007 - 18:50

I have to admit...

My journey to reading dating self-help books began because of some great self-help books I read after I called off my wedding. I'm a big fan of reading a book and taking from it what speaks to you.

But I've noticed that in the case of these dating books, they're beginning to make me more fearful that I'm "doing something wrong." And that's driving me crazy.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Wed, 10/03/2007 - 09:36

I've tried reading a few of

I've tried reading a few of those "dating" books at various times; a few were relatively recently because I was trying to do some research for the Singles column. But I could never get through one! I'd end up flipping through it and getting mad, or bored, or both. Stupid things. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Submitted by Zandria on Tue, 10/16/2007 - 17:00

Quality dating books

I disagree, there are several dating books out there that help women understand men without telling women to demean themselves. Obviously there are some that encourage women to "give men whatever they want", but that's not realistic or a long term solution. Just gotta separate the wheat from the chaff. One book I recommend is Catch Him and Keep Him ( http://www.catchhimkeephimreview.com/ ), it's on the long side but it does a pretty good job of explaining many of the verbal and body language disconnects between men and women. Of course, I wish more men would also read books about how women think; think of how much better our relationships would be.

Submitted by sunshine32 on Wed, 05/07/2008 - 14:36

Yes, by all means think for yourselves

Dating books are much like the political media... they all want to go just a little further in sensationalizing, after all who reads or listens to the same old thing. If you read a lot of these and practice what you've read, you're a real sucker and probably still single!

One of the many problems with our society is that people are a afraid to think for themselves or to be different from the masses. Guess what? Everyone is unique. Every situation is unique. It might have some similarities to other situations, but the accumulated events and emotions leading up to the situation and the people and timing involved are unique. So, don't blow it, do what your gut tells you to do.

Submitted by camrud on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 15:58