Message Boards: Helpful or Harmful?

I completely agree! Well said:)

I felt like message boards can so easily turn into a clique-ish playground type environment. The catty remarks, and mommy competition takes away from the valuable resources so many times. I've had a lot more luck getting ideas from blogs than message boards. The trick is finding the blogs ;)

When I was pregnant with twins, I found the message boards to be a Godsend. There is so much about pregnancy that your doctors just don't warn you about. That said, however, once my children were born and I moved on to "parenting" message boards, I lost interest. I saw a lot of the backbiting and snarkiness. Plus, I did feel myself sinking into a bit of a funk by focusing on the negative all then time. And frankly, I didn't have the time or energy to offer appropriate support to my friends and family, much less people I did not know! So yes, I think they serve a purpose...until they don't anymore.

By the way, your babies are beautiful. My twins are now four years old and are an absolute joy...except when they're not. :)

Shannon regularly blogs about the trials and tribulations of lesbian parenting at: http://www.chroniclesofacluelessmom.blogspot.com

I've had a few friends like that in the past. We banded together for support because we had similar rough childhoods, but when I was ready to move on and grow, it was a huge ride on the drama train because suddenly I was "causing all the problems." I was the bad guy because I wouldn't put up with the "poor me" attitudes anymore. C'est la vie.

I see it in forums sometimes, but now I tend to stay away from those types and focus more on the do-it-yourself forums of home schoolers and cloth diaper sewing mamas. The DIY attitude, to me, seems resistant to the boobie trap of self-pity simply because they have the intrepid spirit to tackle projects and do the necessary work themselves.

Sure, there are moments of, "What was I thinking?! I can't do this!" But the attitude there is different, too. Usually everyone comes in to help troubleshoot the issue, and the stressed-out mom is grateful, runs off to try solutions, and comes back to report success.

It's quite refreshing!

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Balancing Mama (Julie)

www.3MomsIn1.com ( http://www.3MomsIn1.com )

My "April 2008 expecting club" was useful. We all posted our questions, fears, and issues. Since the babies were born, we drifted away and the board pretty much died. Now most of our original group is back together again in a private Facebook group. It has been lots of fun, but there is definitely a negative vibe most of the time. Lots of complaining and drama. But occasionally, there is a real question or need and we all band together to help & support one another. I'll take the bad for the good. I just don't participate in much of the negativity.

When I was pregnant, I skimmed a few messageboards for expectant moms and women with gestational diabetes.

Honestly I could barely stand reading some of the posts. Women were complaining loudly about husbands, in-laws, family, and friends who were "just not supportive" - mainly because those people weren't saying what they wanted to hear. Complaining about baby showers or people who were "being unreasonable" about any number of things. Saying anything other than poor baby would probably get you labeled as a "mean person" and then there are twelve more posts about how you should not listen to the realistic person saying maybe your husband was not trying to be mean by not running out at midnight because you suddenly wanted some ice cream.

Now that my daughter is here, I've tried reading some boards for new parents and have quickly come to about the same conclusion I did regarding pregnancy-related boards. It's much the same one you came to - WhineFest. Complaining about husbands, family, friends, co-workers, neighbors; anyone who does not "poor baby" and talk badly about whatever person you feel has wronged you is mean.

Sure, it gets hard sometimes. I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband, even though he gets on my nerves sometimes (and I know I get on his nerves sometimes too.) Yes, my mom can be a little overboard with advice, but that's what moms do. Do I get lonely sometimes? Of course. That will get better as S gets bigger and can do better with outings. It's already better than it was.

I just do not understand the incessant, self-indulgent, everyone-is-out-to-get-me attitudes. That's certainly not what I want to pass along to my daughter.

I founded a message board community way back when--and ultimately came to the conclusion that they help until they hurt.

At first, it was great. I was pointed to resources that were immensely helpful. I found validation for my feelings because I was interacting with a lot of women all dealing with the same thing I was--the sense of camaraderie and "I'm not alone" were a welcome change to the kind of support I had (or more aptly, didn't have) before. But, like the community that mine 'spun out' of, it got to be a bit cliquey, and frankly, repetitive. There's only so many ways to dissect a given situation.

The best thing to come out of it was a "real life" friendship with another member, with whom I remain friends six years later. The worst? Cattiness, backbiting, and drama. I dropped out less than six months after starting the community and let my co-founder carry it on. I think it's now defunct.

--

~Margaret

Margaret also blogs ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com ), is on Facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Just-Margaret/135445... ) and tweets ( http://twitter.com/Just_Marg ) once in a while.

I am still trying to find a worth while message board. I feel a little weary of blogging message boards because I have had a hard time finding "support" so far. I wrote about it on my blog and received some hate mail for my opinion:
http://www.cooperating4boys.com/2011/01/finding-my...

I really like what I have found on blogher but it takes so much time to load each page, it is a time-waster for me.

Still searching,
Jennifer

Jennifer

www.cooperating4boys.com ( http://www.cooperating4boys.com )

I used to go to some of these types of forums. I have 6 year old twins. I usually tell the whiners to suck it up and deal with it because it could always be a lot worse! I had newborn twins AND a 1 year old (they were born less than 1 year apart).. and I know there are people who had it worse than I did!! lol Find more positive people that can help you learn how to deal with the stress of twins, not just bring you down and make you think about how difficult it is! BTW, it does get easier as they get older... except it goes from diapers to mouthyness and attitude, lol!

When I first learned I was expecting twins, I panicked. I didn't have any idea of what was going to happen (my older son was only 15 months old at that time) and was in way over my head. I found a website (with message boards attached) -- parentingweekly.com -- and started reading and posting on the Moms of Multiples board there. I made some great friends there and was able to get some great advice. I also hoped I was able to impart my experiences and help others.

Since that time, this board has pretty much died. Several of us moved to Facebook and we continue to correspond there. Others have just moved on. But I don't know how I would have gotten through issues in my pregnancy or through the first few months without these people.

But as you discovered, there are other boards out there that are not worth the space they take in cyber-world. It really depends on where you go, when you look and what you're looking for. I'm sorry you found such a poor site. But I do understand.

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When I lost my first babe to miscarriage in December of 2007, I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know what to do. I found solace in a message board for women trying to conceive after a loss. I found friends. I found sisters in grief. It was a place that I could go to vent my completely irrational feelings of insane jealousy. To vocalize my fears that I'd never carry a baby to term. To rejoice and celebrate when one of the "Sistahs" got her coveted BFP (big fat positive).

There are downsides to message boards (obsessing, drama etc) but for me the positives definitely outweighed the negatives.

I totally understand your point. I've seen it happen. I don't like it. Now.

There was a point in my life where I needed the commiseration of others and I found it via the forum experience.

A year after the relinquishment of my firstborn, I began posting on the Adoption.com forums with regularity. I needed to hear the anger, hurt, fears and grief of others. I needed to set people "right" when they were "wrong." I needed to make a purpose in my loss. Knowing that I wasn't alone in the loss, the hurt and the pain brought me a bit of hope for my future.

I still maintain a membership, but I only pop in to answer a question if I'm asked to do so by another member. I haven't been there in months at this point. And it was months before the last visit. And so on.

I don't regret my days of bemoaning life, arguing with others and generally being miserable. It fit in with where I was in my grieving process. Plus, I met some great people that I am still happy to call friends today. However, it doesn't fit in where I am now. And that's okay too.

And so, I get the point of finding others who are-where-you-are at any given time for any given situation. But, for me, it was important to move on after I outgrew my anger and desperation.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.