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The image of Paris Jackson at her father's funeral, speaking her moving goodbye has been written about from the angle of the humanization of Michael Jackson--from media circus figure to average man. But it also, for the infertility community, spoke volumes in the face of articles written since Michael Jackson's death: it turned the moment from a questioning of parentage to the understanding of what it means to be an intended parent.
Skeeter Sander's editorial on the Daily Kos was the first one I read, containing phrases such as "the real father" and "carried out an elaborate hoax on the world about his paternity." While I wrote it off as ridiculous; akin to the National Enquirer's coverage of his death, The Guardian's editorial described surrogacy as "sold them to him; sorry, I mean relinquished custody" and "she seems to be perceived as the ultimate womb-for-rent, a woman who gives genuine surrogacy a bad name" without elaborating on what is "genuine surrogacy."
The Irish Independent wrote of his family building as "acquiring children" and asked "would Michael Jackson ever have been accepted as a suitable adoptive parent?" as if being an adoptive parent is somehow different from other forms of parenting. It makes the mistake of equating a donor with a parent, stating, "Thus the children could be the issue of three parents: sperm donor, egg donor, pregnancy-mother, and in effect adopted by Michael Jackson from birth."
An Examiner.com article was the first one I read to question why the focus on donor gametes: "The media should have a heart . . .OR . . .is this just another form of insensitivity and lack of knowledge when it comes to understanding people who use other methods (infertility treatments, donor egg/sperm, surrogacy, etc.) to build a family they so much want."
And frankly, that's how this reads within the infertility community.
The term "parent" certainly applies in adoption--birthparent (the parent at the time of the birth) or firstparent conveys the fact that parenting decisions are being made. But the children of Michael Jackson have two parents at most and only one parent if Debbie Rowe was a surrogate.
Third party reproduction utilizes the term "intended parent" and "donor" or "surrogate" to differentiate between the level of decision-making (and by default, parenting) going on amongst the adults. Sperm donors and egg donors are providers of gametes, building blocks to creating life, but unless they will be involved in parenting decisions later on--and some do go into parenting arrangements with sperm donors, egg donors, or surrogates or involve those parties in the lives of the children--they are not a parent. Parenting goes beyond biology and birth--it is based in intention. In other words, some parents are sperm donors (think: David Crosby), but not all sperm donors are parents.
Therefore, the guessing games on Jackson's usage of third party reproduction and the subsequent terminology used such as "real father" or "acquiring children" is extremely hurtful to those who utilize third party reproduction due to either biological or situational infertility.
DI Dad weighed in with his thoughts as a father to children conceived via donor insemination. "I am reading all these articles about how Michael Jackson may not have been the biological father and its clear the media intends and has already sensationalized the issue."
The American Fertility Association (AFA) had an editorial on their blog about the situation. "He is the father – no adoption required in this case no matter if he is the biological father or not, which appears to be the case for all three children. In California, surrogacy law is very clear as to who is the parent, regardless of biological connection, based upon intent."
Parents Via Egg Donation put out this statement: "Michael Jackson was the father of his children whether or not they were a product of donor eggs, donor sperm, or gestational carrier. The way in which the children were conceived has no bearing on Mr. Jackson’s role as the children’s legal, social, and only father, regardless of his celebrity status and history of complicated relationships."
In the end, the people most hurt by the speculation are his children who after losing their father are hearing the media call into question their father's status as parent and those who have built their family using third party reproductive techniques.
Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace
