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A few weeks ago while spending some much needed, just the four of us, time together with our best friends Sylvia and Jack, Sylvia said something that got me thinking about friendships. She was talking about some plans Jack had made, and how she was so glad that he was making some "guy friends" he can do stuff with. Jack's reply was something like, "if you wanted me to do more guy stuff you should have just said. Zoe and I could go off and hang out without you two, if you'd like." The funny thing is, he seems to not really care, or find it as important as she does, for him to have "guy friends" to do stuff with.
I'm not sure why it struck me as strange to think Jack needed "guy friends." Probably because Jack doesn't fit the stereotypical guy mold, and is flexible in gender roles within his relationship. And of course, Betty Please and I aren't your stereotypical kind of girls who adhere to strict female gender roles either. So I think we probably have a different friendship with him than we would if we were your average straight girls. I could be wrong. It could just be, that not having a husband, and not being a guy, I just don't understand the need for "guy time." But besides that, we have lots of mutual friends, couples friends. Which means he has guy friends, right? I think what she really meant was that she was glad that he had guy friends that were his friends outside of their relationship.
This set me on a path of thinking about friends and relationships, and friends outside of the relationship. And is it different for straight couples than gay ones? I started by thinking about my sister-in-law, who has a standing date every Sunday afternoon with her best friend. They go out, just the two of them. They shop, or go to a movie, or get coffee, or go to a bookstore, or whatever. But whatever it is they do, it's no kids, no husbands/significant others. Then I thought about my other sister-in-law, who has similar dates with her girlfriends (girlfriends in the way most straight women use the term for their close friends, not in the way I would use the term, which would mean something a bit different), who she also vacations with for an entire week, once a year. No husbands allowed. That all is just so strange to me.
Is this the norm in the straight world? Heck, is that the norm in the GLBT world? To have one best friend, or a few, who aren't your spouse/partner, who you do stuff with on a regular basis without your spouse/partner? Is it something you see more in heterosexual relationships because it's a gender divide thing? Is it just my relationship and the type of people Betty Please and I are, that we don't really have friends who we aren't both friends with? Is it who our closest friends are, the fact that we all really click, and that when asked we would each say that our spouse is our best friend and who we'd prefer to spend time with? Is it that we met in college 16 years ago and all of our friends who we knew before we knew each other have moved away, and since lost touch. Are gay people just more likely to have not have a social circle of close friends outside of their relationship? Is it how old you were when you got together and for how long you were single that determines your level of independence? I'm trying to figure it out.
It is not to say that BP and I don't have friends. I think we are actually pretty lucky to have so many good friends. And not just the kind of friends you occasionally see at parties who really are more acquaintances than friends; the kind of friends who would help you move, or show up at your grandmother's funeral to be there for you when you need them to lean on. It's just that all of our good friends are couples. Straight couples. And we tend to do stuff as couples, or as a group. And they seem to be sort of the same way. They may do stuff with a sister or a brother, but we would too if
