I talked to him today about how much his day yesterday scared me. I asked him why on a good day would he go to the very place that cost him everything he said he valued to find some comfort? Why he would go gamble when he spent the morning sharing his testimony with a very lost young man and what would that man say if he saw him in that place? He said he never thought about it like that. We had a lengthy talk about some of the places in our marriage that went wrong. He kept bringing up examples where he did the bad stuff because of something I had said or how I reacted to his betrayls. I asked him if he thought it was my fault that he did all that bad stuff? Because of the fact that I got angry for being lied to and betrayed that it justified his actions. Then he would "own" the fact that he was responsible for what he chose to do. I wouldn't let him push what he did to us on me. He talked about his poor health and how that made him act "crazy" and how he was sorry that he dragged me through it. We talked some about money which is a touchy issue still. I scrimped and saved to have us ready for when he couldn't work anymore. He spent and gambled behind my back and refinanced everything I had worked so hard to pay off. So that is just one subject that is difficult. At some point we went the the present and how in the last few months he is trying to get his life "right" with God. How he was on path with that and now he is all confused with me being back in the picture. I think I am the one person on the planet that knows when he is full of it. He knows I see through his excuses. I know what is truth and what is cover up. He can even lie to himself as long as he doesn't have to deal with me. At one point he said that part of him wants to tell me that "if I love him that I will let him alone." That was just one statement in a long conversation but it certainly is one that resonates with me.
I do want him to get his life right with God. I do. I want my life to be right with God. I want to be a little closer to God every day- better than the day before. I don't want to impede his progress. I also don't want to believe a load of bull crap from him. If he doesn't want to be with me because it complicates his life then say that. I wonder he ever really wanted to be part of it in the first place. If you value your spouse you wouldn't do what he did to me. If you value your family you don't do things that destroy it. I am fairly certain I have been rejected again. I think he is going to not want to stand in the light and be genuine with me. God I pray that you will find the real man inside all that hurt and stuff. I hope he can be what you want him to be. I hope you will help me move on. I hope you can help me understand this. I spoke Your truth to him and he resents me for it. I pray for Your wisdom and peace on both of us.