The Miscarriage!

I thought that after I would give birth to my beautiful daughter that this would finally be easy to talk about. But it isnt. I do however have a promise I made to this blog & myself to be honest. I know that someone will feel better after reading this and thats why I do it. 

I remember walking into the Vons grocery store to buy a pregnancy test. For the first time I was buying one in hopes of good news. LOL No but seriously I was nervous. My husband didnt know I was going and I just thought "let me check". I got home rushed to the bathroom before my husband could figure out I was acting fishy. I had this whole fun surprise idea planned to tell him if we were pregnant. Sure enough as I saw the positive test and I walked out of the bathroom with it he was standing right there. I obviously couldnt hide. 

I swear he looked terrified and overjoyed in the same second, probably the face I made in the bathroom to myself. Days began to pass as I started taking pre-natals, eating better and unconsciously  touching my stomach every two  seconds. We had a trip to Cabo San Lucas planned and I thought about canceling but I was cleared by my doctor that it was two early to not be safe just to take it easy and not do any rigorous activities. My doctor was going to give me my first ultrasound at 9 weeks. It was to make sure that the pregnancy had progressed enough to see anything. When we got back from Cabo I was about 9 weeks so I called to make an appointment which wouldnt be for another week and half. I was so anxious to see this little thing. I was curious why I hadnt felt nauseas yet, or had any other symptoms except no period. But I just figured I was lucky. 

The day of the ultrasound my husband and I entered the office and waited FOREVER. No really at least 1 hr. Then she came in and my husband got to meet her for the first time. Sweet as pie and always smiling Dr. Lewis is a god send. She began asking us questions about our lives as she was getting the equipment ready. We were so excited. Then she asked my husband to come stand next to where I was laying so that we could watch the monitor together! She began moving the across my stomach and an image appeared. We had no idea what we were looking at. It was something out of a sci-fi movie. The Dr. was silent and I was just patiently waiting for her to describe what we were looking at. 5 minutes had gone by and she turned it off and looked at us. My heart sank I knew something was wrong. She said it was still early but something should have been detected. She wanted us to go into a specialty facility that did more detailed ultrasounds. We left her office with the hope that everything was still ok and that the baby was just hiding under something. The Dr. didnt explain much since she wasnt sure yet, we just felt lost. 

 

We arrived at the facility and the ultrasound lady would not say a word. I asked if everything looked ok and she said that the Dr. would go over the images with me later. {i could have strangled that woman, didnt she know what was going through my head}. We left there, told that my doctor would contact me. Ha, I had to wait it out, really. At this point I was shaking, in tears and nothing anyone could say was going to make me think or feel that everything was ok. Then, the phone rang my Dr. was requesting I come into her office right away. We rushed and were seen immediately. The minute she sat down and she looked at me I knew. We had lost our baby. I cant even describe the feeling of grief, anger, frustration, confusion and the list goes on. She continued to tell me that since I was almost 3 months along that since I hadnt miscarried the pregnancy physically yet it was going to be very painful and I would have to probably go to the hospital because of the blood loss. She did give me the option to have a D&C which was a medically induced miscarriage {basically an abortion} but since the embryo was already dead it wasnt the same. I went in the next morning for the procedure. I just wanted it over and to move on. I couldnt bare the idea of a dead baby inside of me any longer. 

 

She did tell me that it was a good sign that I could get pregnant and that my uterus was healthy and strong. She said that these things happen and most likely due to a defect in the pregnancy that didnt allow it to continue. I felt like a failure. I couldnt make a baby. I went home after the procedure to my family {who were overly protective and then almost made it seem like no big deal} I didnt know what to think, feel or do with myself. I had to go back to work in a couple days and how would I tell people what is going on. 

 

I asked the Dr. when we could try again and she said at least wait till one menstrual cycle. Not even thinking about it we went on with our life and hoped that time would heal this sad story. I secretly feared that I was never going to be able to have a baby. This was September 3, 2011. On October 28, 2011 I had another positive pregnancy test! :) but dont think I wasnt terrified the whole time that this baby wouldnt make it either. Everyone told me I could'nt think that way but seriously it wasnt possible and could you blame me. My Dr. started monitoring mt pregnancy right away. I had an ultrasound every week during the first trimester. Thank goodness for my Dr.'s compassion. On June 27,2012 we were blessed with Ellyah our beautiful baby girl. 

 

I wrote this to gain some closer and to give hope to anyone that might have or is experiencing this.


More about my pregnancy! 

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