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Jean Kwok immigrated from Hong Kong to Brooklyn when she was five and worked in a Chinatown clothing factory for much of her childhood. She won early...

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Missing Mother

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I’m going to miss Mother’s Day with my kids again this May, for the second year in a row. Both times the reason is that I need to be on national tour for my debut novel, Girl in Translation: last year for its publication and this year for the paperback release. My boys are seven and four years old, still young enough to love their mommy without reservation or judgment. When they miss me, they miss me with all their little hearts.

It makes me think about my relationship with my own mother, which was more complicated, even from early on. I immigrated from Hong Kong to New York together with my family when I was five years old. We lost all of our money in the move. My family started working in a clothing factory in Chinatown in order to survive, and although I was still in kindergarten, I worked there, too, every day after school.

We lived in an unheated, roach-infested apartment in Brooklyn that was so bitterly cold in the winter that we kept the oven on day and night. It was our only source of heat.

I couldn’t speak a word of English, either, when we first arrived, but I picked it up far more rapidly than my parents could. When I went shopping with my mother, she made me bargain in her stead -– something I absolutely hated. When a merchant cheated us, it was my job to complain.

Jean Kwok as a child


It was hard for me as a small child to fill an adult’s shoes, but no matter how difficult my early life may have been, my mother’s life was much more so. She was always in the kitchen until late into the night, working on skirts and sashes we’d brought home from the factory to finish. I remember her flexing her fingers, stiff from the cold, in front of the open oven door in order to keep going. There was not a single night in my childhood when my mother went to bed before I did.

I was moved to write this book because of my mother. I wanted to tell her story, and that of many other first-generation immigrants. My mother never really learned to speak English, although she tried her best, and to Americans she comes across as very simple. I wanted people to hear how eloquent, wise and funny she really was in Chinese.

Jean Kwok and her mother


So I wrote the story of eleven-year-old Kimberly Chang and her mother, who emigrate from Hong Kong to Brooklyn squalor. Kimberly, similar to my own experience, quickly begins a secret double life: exceptional schoolgirl during the day, Chinatown sweatshop worker in the evenings. Disguising the more difficult truths of her life -— the staggering degree of her poverty, the weight of her family’s future resting on her shoulders, her secret love for a factory boy who shares none of her talent or ambition -— Kimberly learns to constantly translate not just her language but herself, back and forth, between the worlds she straddles.

In the novel, I wanted to give English-speaking readers a unique experience: to actually become a Chinese immigrant for the course of my novel, to hear Chinese like a native speaker and to hear English as gibberish. I hoped to allow my readers to experience something thousands of immigrants live with every day: what it's like to be intelligent, thoughtful and articulate in your own language -- but to come across as ignorant and uneducated in English. I also wanted to highlight how much a mother could sacrifice for her children.

Jean Kwok and her mother


However, I wondered if I myself appreciated my mother enough. Like my heroine, Kimberly, I, too, had a talent for school. I was accepted to Harvard, and it was there that I decided to become a writer.

A few years after graduation, I fell in love with a Dutch man. I agonized over leaving my mother in New York, but finally, I moved to Holland to marry him and start a family. My mother lived with my brother and his family -- I told myself -- and she and I often disagreed, anyway. And it was true. Maybe because I’d had to take on the adult role so often as a child, or maybe –- as she believed -– I was just born a headstrong, stubborn daughter, my mother and

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Jean Kwok 5 pts

These are such wonderful comments. Love hearing about everyone's moms.

xo Jean

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com ( http://www.jeankwok.com )

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/2135832805... )

tjeanne 5 pts

When people ask when I lost my mom, I want to say, "about 5 years before she died." As Mom's prognosis changed from "severe cognitive deficiency" to "dementia" to "Alzheimer's", I described her as a beautiful tapestry that I was losing one thread at a time.
Even though she no longer was the mom I cherished and remembered, she continued to teach me...maybe more about myself than anything. She lived with me for almost six years before my siblings chose to put her in a nursing home against my wishes.
The day she died one of my closest younger friends gave birth to her first child. My mom would have been thrilled.
A little over a week ago I became a grandmother. I had always questioned (but not aloud) those grandmothers I knew who described the experience as almost mystical. I am glad I didn't make fun of them. It is indescribable! (At least I hope it is for others as well.)
I am always sad for those daughters who do not have a good relationship with their mothers. Although Mom and I were very different she was my mentor, my protector and my hero. I only hope that my children will always see me in such a favorable light...so far so good - the oldest is 32 and the youngest is 23.
I will be babysitting for my grandson this summer a few days each week. I realized how much I miss Mom and need her advice. I will be staying with my stepson and his wife (my grandchild's parents) and hope that I take what Mom taught me with me always - how she never gave advice unless asked, how she helped without demeaning, how she seemed to know exactly what to say and do.
I remember that first empty Mother's Day. Sure it does get easier, but for me it is a hole that will never quite heal.

kristanhoffman 5 pts

Grace took the words right out of my mouth.

"My mother never really learned to speak English, although she tried her best, and to Americans she comes across as very simple. I wanted people to hear how eloquent, wise and funny she really was in Chinese."

I feel the same way (although my mother speaks English, it isn't the best, and it's been a problem throughout her life here). Someday I too hope to honor her with a book. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be a good daughter.

kristanhoffman.com ( http://kristanhoffman.com ) - writing dreams into reality

museconfuse 5 pts

Beautifully written, I love reading your posts. My relationship with my own mother is complicated too.. She means well but I don't always agree.

However, your post reminded me of how much I love my mother, that she won't always be around and that I should treasure whatever time I can spend with her. So thank you for sharing and sending you warm wishes for Mother's day.

Jean Kwok 5 pts

Thank you all so much for sharing. You know, from my two posts on Blogher so far, you'd think that everyone I knew was dying but actually, I'd had almost no death in my life before my brother passed away a year and a half ago. And then my mother this past Oct. It's definitely been a hard year and my heart goes out to everyone else who's lost a loved one as well.

xo Jean

Author of Girl in Translation

www.jeankwok.com ( http://www.jeankwok.com )

www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/213583280524 ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jean-Kwok/2135832805... )

sassymonkey 6 pts moderator

We lost my grandmother last year. It occurred to me as I was reading this post that this will be my mother's first Mother's Day without her mother.

2010 was a rough year for many of us it seems.

BlogHer Book Club Host Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

JennaHatfield 9 pts

Another beautiful post.

One of my best friends lost her mother just last month. I can't decide if I should point out your post or if I should let her find it organically, when it's right for her.

All the same, I'm sending you thoughts on your first Mother's Day without your mom. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

Just_Margaret 5 pts

Human relationships are complicated--mother/daughter relationships, even more so. Your book is a lovely tribute to your relationship with your mother.

Sending good thoughts your way for this first Mother's day without your mother. The first one after my mother died was difficult. But each year, the sting of her absence is a little easier to manage.

~Margaret

Margaret Barney writes at Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com ) and is a contributor at Prime Parents Club ( http://www.primeparentsclub.com/ ).

Grace Hwang Lynch 7 pts

complicated when the mother is an immigrant and there are role-reversals involved.

I'm glad your mother had a chance to see you novel published and be honored by the depiction of Kimberly's mother in "Girl in Translation".

Grace Hwang Lynch blogs at HapaMama ( http://hapamama.com ) and A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ( http://www.blogher.com/ A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ).