The Mom Diet Play Book
Happy New Year to everyone! Thank you for coming back to visit. Apologies that LaughingMom.com was quiet over the holidays. Family visits and the 'cold/flu that everyone had during the holidays' hit us a few times.
The blogosphere was a-twitter last week with posts on New Year's resolutions. What people were resolving to do, not to do, do less of, or more of. Statistically speaking, most resolutions will have to do with health and wellness, with the (likely) number one resolution being to lose weight. (2012 stats, University of Scranton. Journal of Clinical Psychology, cite 'Lose Weight' as #1 for 2012).
When I was pregnant with my first child, I subscribed to the: took nine months to put on, should take nine months to take off school of weight-loss thought. When my first was five months old I jumped on the treadmill during his morning nap, determined to get back into my pre-baby running shape before the nine months was up.
Then I had baby number 2. Now I subscribe to the less intense personal school of thought: If I didn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row last night, I am not exercising today. Will I get back into the ball park of my pre baby shape? You betcha. Is it a 2013 resolution to do so? No way. (I am too tired to handle that sort of pressure.)
While I might not have the energy to jump on the treadmill each day, I am taking steps in the right direction by eating healthy. All the holiday treats have been hidden in the freezer and the fridge is filled with healthy options. Unbeknownst to me, my two year old toddler, AC, and my 8 month old baby, KC, have signed up to help me out with my diet. I can only guess that they have been using the eight seconds I leave them alone for, (yes, to use a bathroom) to devise a plan to keep my diet ON TRACK. Their efforts are organized, coordinated, and if I do say so myself, quite genius.
All diets have rules - what to eat, not to eat, quantities, even times of the day or the order you can eat them in. Since they can't communicate such specifics, my kids have taken a page from Barney Stinson, and have invented the Mom Diet Play Book. They are trying to be coy about it, but I think I have identified the majority of the plays. In hope of getting at least one other other toddler or baby on board to help their parents to lose weight, I have provided the play book on my children's behalf below.
Laughing Mom's Mom Diet Play Book by Toddler AC and Baby KC.
Play #1, The Cry.
Whenever you see Mom about to eat anything, healthy or not: cry. Cry louder if it is a little unhealthy. Cry longer if it is decidedly unhealthy. By the time she gets back to the table, she won't want it anymore.
Play #2, The Demand.
The Toddler demands to eat whatever Mom eats. Start by half chewing a few items on your own plate so that she doesn't just trade your plate for hers. Then insist on eating whatever she has. If you don't like it, just chew if for a bit and spit it out onto the plate, though the floor does nicely too. The bonus is that Mom won't eat something she can't in good conscience share. No unhealthy treat is worth the tantrum from a toddler demanding to have some.
Play #3, The Distract and Throw.
This can be executed pretty easily with 2 or more siblings. Example: Mom puts baby down for a nap. Toddler plays nicely with cars. Mom sits down with sandwich. Que Baby to start crying loudly. Mom runs to Baby's room to check on him. Que Toddler to run up to table, throw Mom's sandwich on the floor, and smush it. Toddler returns to playing cars as Baby falls back asleep.
Play #4, The Bathroom Psych.
Don't let Mom go to the bathroom. All day. She can't fit more in, if she doesn't let any out.
Play #5, The Meal Tag Team.
During meals, don't let Mom sit down. (This has the added bonus of exercise too.) Quickly eat or drink your food and then demand more. Rotate so that you don't both need something at the same time. It is almost impossible to eat when you are up and down trying to keep your children eating.
Play #6, The Grocery Store Tantrum.
The Toddler is tasked with throwing a MAJOR tantrum at the grocery store, though Baby can scream for no discernible reason for good measure. This forces Mom to run around the grocery store as fast as possible; which means she only has time for essentials; which means she only has time to pick up healthy food for the kids. She bundled two of us up and dragged us to the store in -10 degrees, she won't go home without milk, chicken and apples, but she'll skip the processed food isles for sure. Plus, screaming children in public have the added benefit of causing all Moms to sweat profusely. She'll sweat more running around a store with two children screaming than she will at any Zumba class.
Play #7, The Wake Up.
Rotate waking up in the night. This makes Mom too tired to do much of anything, let alone eat. Occasionally give her relief by napping at the same time. You can be assured she won't waste the rest time on a snack.
Play #8, The Spit up.
This one is best achieved by the Baby. No one wants to eat after watching a baby regurgitate strained peas. Trust me. N-o-b-o-d-y.
My boys hope they have helped! Good luck.