The Mommy Wars have entered Politics
by BrellykA few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a mom I know in one of my special needs Internet support groups. The e-mail asked me to join her in a group called, "Special Needs Moms against Sarah Palin." While I am friends with this mom in all that we've shared and been through together as special needs moms, this is one request from her that I couldn't support.
Before I go further, I will let you know now that I am a registered Republican, and I have already cast my vote for McCain/Palin via absentee ballot (sorry, you can't change my vote now!) But this issue is more than just politics to me. If I were supporting "the other guy", I would still be offended by a group of moms opposing another mom for her decision to follow her career. And by no means do I consider myself to be a feminist. I simply believe that a woman can have both; a career and children. And I know for a fact - it is possible that a Mom can work full time and raise a child with special needs. Especially a child with complex medical issues.
I will admit, I had no choice when I had to continue working when Jenelle's medical issues became a priority. My job carries the medical benefits we desperately needed at the time. I didn't have the luxury of quitting my job to attend to her needs 24/7. I had to find a way to make it work.
The first glaring questions about my continuing to work came from Jenelle's first neurologist. He flat out told me to quit my job so I could enjoy the "few months or years" we had left with Jenelle. Later in her treatment, this doctor refused to try the Ketogenic Diet for Jenelle. His words to me, "The fact that you are still working tells me you are not committed to your child and that you are not committed to do this diet!" It was horrible, and I cried for days. I felt like my job was an albatross hanging from my neck and keeping my daughter from the desperate treatment she needed. My job was something I couldn't get rid of because I couldn't pay the medical bills.
And then, I received some of the best advice I'd ever heard from another special needs mom that works full time. She told me, "Kelly, your job is to be Jenelle's mother. You are not her doctor, nurse, teacher, therapist, bus driver, aide or social worker, you are her mother. That means you are the one who loves her. You get to kiss her after a blood draw and to hold her in the night as she cries or comfort her after a seizure. You are her Mother and the only requirement of you is to love her unconditionally and to advocate for her passionately. Let the others do their job!"
With that advice, it became clear to me. In the world of special needs, none of us can do it alone. While I admire all the special needs moms who do stay home and who's lives revolve around the complex medical schedule of their child, I am thankful that I have found what works for me. I am thankful for Jenelle's wonderful therapists, teachers and doctors. And to borrow a phrase from that woman in the "other" political party, it takes a "village" to raise a special needs child.
One last thought... why is it the Mom has to be the one to stay home with the sick child? Why can't a man be as involved or more in the life of a special needs child? I know quite a few Fathers who play a very significant role in the life of their special needs child. Brett is one of them. While the divorce statistics are very real when it come to raising a special needs child, a couple has to take parenting to another level and become team players to work together when they have a special needs child. Eighty percent end up divorced, ninety percent if that special needs child dies. Those statistics are frightening, and very real! If parents can't work together, then they are only working against themselves.
So while this election has surprised me at times, I was shocked to see the discontent some women have for the choices other women make. Who are we to presume Sarah Palin isn't involved in the lives of all of her children? Who are we to demand she stay home and attend therapies with her disabled son? I'm positive Sarah Palin has the resources behind her to help her make the best decisions in regards to her special needs child. Maybe more so than the average American. Who are we to question her love and devotion, when other families find it can work in non-traditional ways.
Why do women need to beat each other down for the choices they make? Personally, I'm tired of liberal women defining what women should be. Yes, I identify greatly with Sarah Palin. We are both working mothers with nothing but love for family and love for this country. God bless any family dealing with issues surrounding special needs and the individual choices special needs families have to make each day. Who are we to judge?
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Comments
I'm growing to understand the mommy wars to
some degree
I used to wonder why women divided themselves according to their working status. Then I realized I am as guilty as anyone, jealous of sahms and also concerned for the financial horror that their lives would be if they divorce.
I don't think it is ever fair to beat up a person, male or female for earning a living.
What I hear from sahms is that they think the family is not a high priority to working moms, and from work outside the home moms that sahms are not challenging their minds and setting an example the way they should be. As you allude, there is no one correct answer.
I wish we could all have enough confidence in our decisions to stop defending our positions all the time. Then we could support our fellow women, whether their children have special needs or not.
Christine
Geek Thoughts Technology doesn't have to be boring.
Frog in North Georgia I'm not from around here.
We have the freedom to be either
I was a child in the 60's and a young adult in the '70's - the height of the feminism movement. I was taught and have always believed I have opportunities and choices.
There is a finiteness to time and money, and subjectivity for what one considers quality of lifestyle. It is in that mix that women seek opportunity and make their choices.
Do not miss Kelly's point - the impact of an employed mother of an infant with a disabling diagnosis is being used to cause women to divide and 'war'.
'Being used' by who? She is encouraging you to not engage in this 'war'. If you think your choices are the only and right ones for all women, you are living in another (19th)century's thinking.
Barbara H. Boucher, PT, PhD, OT TherExtras
Whether working when you have kids is a
choice or not...
(and for so many of us our income is essential to the family), I agree that condemning other women for their work versus not-to-work choices is short-sighted, close-minded and destructive. We are lucky, as American women, to enjoy so many rights in this individualistic society. Why would we use them to judge another?
And Christine, I want to compliment you for the gift of summary. This paragraph on the mommy wars describes the essential conflict in the fewest words I think I've ever seen. All without sounding judgmental of either side! Nice work:
Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette
BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.
I'm glad the point made its way across
Thank you Lisa. I was concerned that my point might be unclear.
It is difficult for me to be logical when I feel that I must defend my choices. The truth is, not everybody is judging me.
Brellyk, I am horrified by how your daughters neurologist has treated you. It is amazing that you can write so diplomatically about this mom who applies the same type of thinking to Sarah Palin.
Christine
Geek Thoughts Technology doesn't have to be boring.
Frog In North Georgia
No, I'm not from around here.
Re our first neurologist...
Thanks for your thoughts. There are many reasons this "first" doctor/neurologist is no longer my daughter's neurologist... one of them being that he couldn't let it go of the fact that I had to keep working. ;)
Highlighting the Mommy Wars message.
"Personally, I'm tired of liberal women defining what women should be."
All parenting is work, but the compensations, motivations and challenges vary. In the whole world, women enjoy particular (civil) freedom to be employed, or not. Sometimes that freedom is trimmed by the family of the woman/girl (culture) in our diverse population.
Among women, there is not one sanctioned path, and as Brellyk asks "Why do women need to beat each other down for the choices they make?"
Barbara H. Boucher, PT, PhD, OT TherExtras
I'm curious about the nature of the group
because I've seen a few. One from some *very* conservative women who believe Palin should be home with her children, and another against their notion that she's using her child inappropriately for politics. I've also seen a third that disagrees with her political decisions on how specials needs programs are handled with in government.
That being said, I got the most exciting and then saddening news yesterday when my husband's elderly grandmother, a true West Virginia mountain mama, announced she was voting for Barack Obama. I was thrilled...until she followed it up with 'because Sarah Palin should be home with her children'
Sometimes is amazes me all the people that make up this country.
Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain
Wow - You're So Strong
While the other mom's intentions may have been noble, it's fully understandable how you would feel caught b/t a rock and a hard place - hurt, offended, even a little caught off-guard and off-balance. If you've felt that way, it might be advisable to reach out to her and let her know your feelings. Not in an accusatory way, but with the goal of fully mending the relationship and helping her understand that her approach may be too off-putting - and could even cause her to isolate those who might otherwise be willing to help her, or at least understand where she's coming from.
As for the doctors, their words are truly hurtful, and it's so clear why they could be scarring. You obviously have so much love for your daughter. I don't know if the doctors were trying to be offensive and belittling, but that's obviously how they made you feel - which is unkind and unfair considering that your job was carrying the medical coverage for the same daughter they accused you of neglecting.
The one thing I will say is that while having more fathers stay home with special needs children would be a blessing, there is a bond that mothers share with their children that fathers simply cannot replicate - not better or worse, just different. And, you're right - really, there's a balance that should be struck b/t the parents of a child with special needs. Both parents should be involved, while still allowing each other to feel fulfilled mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and career-wise.
Please know you have my utmost admiration and respect for the courage you've shown through all of this.
what amazes me now in this campaign is that
how
'liberal' seems to now mean stay at home and Sarah Palin as WORKING woman is now representing the right....
talk about a polar shift in how moms have been viewed over the years.
Remember? A stay at home mom meant she was old fashioned with old fashioned family values??
Those working moms were those crazy liberals with their feminist ideas!!
Man oh man
Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com
I think it's hilarious
and I'm rather relieved it's happened. Now there is no longer any way that can be a valid argument from conservatives any longer. It's beautiful, really.
Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain
Confused . . . question
Might the friend's email have been based on opposition to Palin's views and not on opposition to the candidate wanting both career and family?
RE your question
Hi! I'm new to blogher and only posted this when a commentor from my blog suggested it. What a wonderful group you have and thank you all for your thoughts and comments.
As for your question, specifically, this special needs mom and a few others I know like her where outraged that Palin would agree to be VP in light of the future needs of her son. Specifically, "Palin needs to be at therapy with him, etc." and "she should be home raising her kids."
Since that e-mail, I've also seen many blog posts about her political views, and how the parties are now using "special needs" as a hot topic to try to get votes. Just because I support McCain/Palin, I do not want that to overshadow the very real way in the issue is dividing special needs parents. A heartfelt comment left on my blog (by an Obama supporter) said it best, " I think we all lose if this race breaks apart the strong network of [special needs] parents that we have."
Thanks again for your comments and thoughts. And thanks for listening to mine.
Erin - That bugs me, too.
Erin - That bugs me, too. People like Dr. Laura and the like, women who quote the Bible but the convenietly forget women like Deborah, Ruth, et al. figures who completely invalidate their stance that mothers shouldn't work.
Dana Loesch
Mamalogues.com
Host and executive producer, "The Dana Show"
on Fox News affiliate KFTK 97.1 FM Talk
In all honesty....
I hope, in a way, this almost puts the issue to rest. Bipartisan working mothers! lol
Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain
Just a thought
On a related note, my frustration is not with the mothers who work v. mothers who don't divide - my frustration lies in that we divide women into mothers and non-mothers to begin with.
Great post - thanks for getting us to think!
www.notyetawino.com
from a guy's perspective....
i've found the furor against sarah palin to be rather interesting.
you (women) don't have to like her politics, in fact, you can totally
disagree with them. i do think, however, women in general should be
happy that a woman is possibly going to be the next VP of this country.
as a male pro-choice republican, i obviously disagree with her on
abortion, but i am proud of her and her efforts to make things better
for the people of alaska and possibly the rest of the country. no one
questioned joe biden decades ago if he was capable of taking care of
his two young boys after their mother was killed in a car crash. so why
then is the liberal media questioning sarah palin? fine to disagree
with her politics, but the woman deserves credit for trying to make
this a better country.
dave
gocalifornia.blogspot.com
There are a few too many presumptions here
for me
I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across this way Dave, but it's a little insulting when I hear that women should be happy that "any woman" is running. It's not, any more than Jews were supposed to be happy that Lieberman was running last time around, or that veterans should be happy that McCain is running considering his history of votes against veterans. If the candidate doesn't support your interests, then the commonality of gender actually becomes more repelling than appealing.
I also can't give Palin credit for "trying to make this a better country" because I don't for one second believe that that's her aim in life. And I certainly don't think that the best interests of this country were in McCain's heart when he chose her.
As for the notion that no one challenged Biden - I'm not sure what his alternative would have been. He's not a rich guy. Single parents have to work.
Mom-101
a double standard
mom 101,
the point here is that when geraldine was nominated
back in '84, most women were thrilled to death. also look at the
reaction hillary got this year.
again, no one has to like or agree
with palin's politics....but it is a step forward for women having her
potentially be the second most powerful person in the country. we all
know that much of the discontent towards palin is driven by the
abortion issue. if she were a pro-choice liberal, many women would be
supporting her. groups like NOW can't have their cake and eat it too.
if they back liberal democratic women in a position like this, then
they should also support when a woman from the other side of the
political spectrum advances opportunities for women. otherwise,groups like NOW
should change their letters to NOL (LIBERAL)W.
as for biden, i'm
sure as a senator he could have afforded some "help" along the way
after his wife and daughter died, leaving him to raise the 2 young
boys. i applaud him for coming home on the train every night from
washington, etc. to care for his kids. the problem is, folks like CNN's
john roberts wouldn't have asked biden if he could be both a VP and
care for his kids at the same time.
although i'm a republican,
i'm predicting that mc cain will lose the election and obviously will
not run again. i also think obama will be a one-term president and that
we have not heard the last of palin. if hillary is planning on running
again in 2012, she will likely not be the only woman seeking the
highest office. i think palin has accounted herself well overall and
will be heard from again.
NOW doesn't support Palin
NOW doesn't support Palin because they aren't a sexist groupt. To say that Palin should be backed purely because she has a vagina is as bad as saying she SHOULDN'T be backed because she has a vagina. That is a SEXIST statement.
NOW supports women who are for the advancement of women. Although Palin is all for her OWN advancement, she has a voting record that is AGAINST other women, making her the epitome of what NOW is trying to change.
It irks me when women don't understand the simple fact that BEING a woman doesn't make you feminist.
I didn't read the other
I didn't read the other comments so this is my opinion. Women are more often than not harder on women. And there are women who think they should be the ones that controlls others lives. It drives me crazy! Okay, I am not a mother of a special needs child but I have run into 'people' who told me it was God's will for me to get a babysitter and go to the Womans Prayer meeting every week. I explained to this individual person that my husband (who was working for her husband) didn't make enough money to pay rent and buy food so a baby sitter was out of the question. So I was out of God's will because I didn't do as I was told. Oh well.
Just do what is right in your eyes and pray and God will be with you.
Julia
www.aheartofmersea.etsy.com www.aheartofmersea.blogspot.com
I'm a "special needs mom"...
I'm totally against Sarah Palin, and it has nothing to do with her choice to be a working mother. I'm a working mama, too - I bring home the good insurance and my husband takes excellent care of our daughter every day.
As it relates to special needs, I am against Palin because I think that her views on how to fund public programs may lead to cuts that endanger many of the services we have depended on to support our daughter. I think what I've read about her record - not to mention the general fiscal conservatism that is symptomatic of many republicans - could lead to less access to things like Early Intervention services, less subsidizing of the very expensive physical therapy and orthotics that make it possible for her to walk, less compensation for professionals that provide these services through programs like Medicaid, Early Intervention and other human services programs that already don't have enough to help people to need it.
I don't appreciate how she trots out her 'special needs family' status, but doesn't say anything about how she would help special needs families who don't have the privileges that she enjoys. This has nothing to do with her personal choices and everything to do with how she presents herself as a professional person.
I believe that mamas should have at least a little sympathy for each other. But as a public figure, her status as a mother doesn't exempt her from criticism or accountability. So I won't be beating her down about her personal choices, but I find her professional positions to be problematic and feel responsible to say so. I don't think she's trying to make this a better country for everyone, just the people who look, think and act like her. That is not okay with me, and it's not okay for a lot of other people, and it has nothing to do with the "mommy wars." It's about thinking people (many of them women) asking reasonable questions of our would-be leaders.
I apologize for not providing links - I will have to scrounge some up later.
Peace,
Atena
Assumptions, Biases & Irrational Fantasies
Well said Atena!
I completely agree with Atena. I don't condemn or condone any of the personal choices that Sarah Palin has made, but I do condemn the fact that she supports a variety of policies and politics that seek to restrict the choices and support that mothers and families have.
PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.wordpress.com
Palin's Silence is deafening....
Ha, Atena, Palin doesn't say anything about how she would help special needs families specifically, because the GOP is keeping her under wraps and she's not speaking on ANYTHING. I believe she vetoed a budget item that would have given money to special needs families. But who would know? Who can ask her? This has to be a first for a candidate of this magnitude. Why are people ok with this?
Not one press conference where reporters could ask about her legislation that might help families (past and present), about her stance on birth control/education (she was pregnant when she got married... and now her own daughter will become a mom at 17, with her boyfriend dropping OUT OF SCHOOL to get a job and marry her.. Hmmm. is this all GOOD? Is this conservative values at work? and the hypocrisy... remember the right's flap over Murphy Brown? and she wasn't even REAL!); they could ask about her religious views (young earth? Dinos walked with man? or does she NOT believe that? i don't know!), and about her and Todd's affiliation with the very extreme secessionist group in AK, which is affiliated with militia groups and others of questionable tendencies... and what about the witchhunting pastor who lay hands on her?
It's an abomination she is not able to be more closely scrutinized, especially after she couldn't answer some pretty basic questions with K. Couric... they cut her off. Foreign policy? Supreme court issues? States' rights? Poverty? Education?
God forbid she should become president. Colin Powell is right to call it as he sees it. There are PLENTY Of reasons to dislike Sarah Palin. I'm really appalled at what's going on.
KeegsMom blogs at:
KIDSFLIX
http://kidsflix.blogspot.com
Sarah Palin
I'm so happy to read someone who is disappointed at the women who have been extremely critical of Palin and McCain. I've worked out of the home for almost 30 years and it never reflected how much I love my children and now grandchildren. On the contrary I couldn't love them any more and if I could I would have stayed home, however, like most women today many of us have to work. And often there is guilt and concern that we cannot fulfill all of our obligations yet out the door we go. So when we hear it it's even more hurtful, as we've already beat ourselves up in our hearts and minds.
And if Sarah wants to be a working mother, she as well, is entitled to making her own decesion and providing for her family while her husband who is every bit as capable of being the parent and more involved in the day to day family needs does so.
So thank you for giving me a positive thought regarding Sarah as it's disheartening to read negative stories regarding mothers who are not everyday stay at home moms. I think some full time moms don't give as much as those of us who leave the home every day. Love and care are not always calcualted by the time spent with children. What we share and teach is what a child will leave as an adult and continue as they have their own families.
I'm grateful for all my time with my family and hopeful I've given them enough to be strong willed, filled with family values, and do the same with their children some day.
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Working vs. Staying home is the not the issue
Dorothy, Palin being a working mom is not the issue! ... I don't know one woman who has an issue with this, as they all W O R K, including myself, and I know many women who are alarmed by Palin.
There are other serious issues about her that need to be considered. If you are not truly evaluating the whole person here, who happens to be a woman, then I can only guess that you are supporting her because you are a) a die hard GOP-er, who will support any GOP candidate, and/or b) a fundamentalist Christian who wants to see one in the White House.
Not all Palin supporters are die hard GOP'ers
Keegsmom,
Simply saying, "I don't know one woman who has an issue with this" is somewhat bold, and naive. Do a simple Google search and you will find many bloggers who take issue with the fact that Sarah Palin works outside the home and takes her special needs baby with her on the campaign trail. Also, I do not like that you unilaterally decide that any woman who supports Palin are die hard GOP'ers, or fundamentalist Christians. I am a Palin supporter and I am neither.
Just as there are serious issues to weigh for Palin, there are just as many serious issues to consider for Obama, McCain and Biden. My post and opinion was not posted as a way to "rally around Palin", but rather to bring to light the issue that this election has started to divide women in ways none of us imagined.
who am I
For the record until two years ago I was a registered Republican, now my grandson is in Iraq a (US Marine) for the second time. I've been so disappointed in the ignorance of Mr Bush I re registered a Democrat..Now I wish I'd become an Independent although, I'm a Christian I support neither abortion or life..I just can't find peace with either and you should know I'm 62, a grandmother and great grandmother and still don't even understand my own feelings.
I support McCain, as I respect and believe he loves his country and wants to serve his country with the hope of making it a better place. The war is here and in my uneducated opinion; it would be dificult to walk out of a place we demolished where there are the innocents as well as the terrorist. I think McCain has more understanding of what we need to do now that we are in Iraq. This even knowing my grandson is in harms way for another 90 days.
So don't assume who I am. None of this is easy for any of us, I'm more sensitive to the negative conclusions people have blatently stated for both parties, they deflect in energy for the focus on the real issues...
McCain is my choice as he is more experienced and in my opinion will also cut spending and government which is something I beleive has to happen in order to reduce our debt. Obama appears to want to give more then we have to spare....I truly wish we had a crystal ball, and we don't so now you know why I'll be voting Republican.
I wish Mc Cain could have crossed party lines and picked Hillary as his running mate...imagine that...team
Thank you for taking time to respond to my post. Hope you'll stop by my blog and tell me what you think. We are a work in progress. If you ever want to guest post..let me know...
Dorothy from grammology
http://grammology.com
Pass It Along
Sounds like you got some really great advice about your role in the situation - maybe she needs to hear the same thing. It's sad when women can't support one another.
April
www.AprilsLittleFamily.blogspot.com
Can a "Special Needs" Dad Weigh In?
My 4-year-old daughter has autism and epilepsy, so I'm very interested in these issues. When Gov. Palin was nominated, I started my blog, Special Needs 08. I looked forward to a healthy exchange of ideas as the campaign evolved, especially since to that date McCain, unlike Obama, had not really laid out a plan to help children with special needs. After following this issue closely -- reading positions and commentaries on both sides -- I am still amazed that while Obama and Biden have explained how they will help families dealing with disabilities, McCain and Palin have not. They talk about research in the same sentence they talk about a spending freeze that would keep autism research woefully underfunded. Their health plan would exclude coverage for people with pre-existing conditions -- like, say, Down Syndrome or autism. Read more at http://specialneeds08.blogspot.com
I don't get the "Mommy Wars"
Maybe it's because I didn't grow up around women who had a choice about working. Nor have I ever had a choice about working. My husband and I never earned enough to allow one of us to stay home -- not with the cost of living in New Jersey. If someone can manage being a SAHM and thinks that's what's best for her situation, more power to her. If someone thinks I'm wrong for working two and sometimes three jobs, well, they are welcome to pay my bills. Otherwise, I'm busy.
But I do know about parenting a child with special needs, and I know we have a lot of work to do. I find it frustrating when Sen. McCain invokes Gov. Palin's baby as a reason why the GOP ticket would be better for children with special needs. I'm sure Trig Palin is a beautiful child who is much loved and that's great. That tells me nothing about the policies you'll enact in the areas of health care education public accommodations and employment for all of our childrent and their families. It's just another way in which our public discourse has been dumbed down this election year, and frankly I'm getting pretty tired of it.
Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|