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Choreplay, sleep training, weaning hysteria and media portrayals of surreal working mothers...
Choreplay. It goes by several different monikers: “Shared care” parenting, “Getting to 50-50,” or ESP (Equally shared parenting). One thing is consistent, though: proponents of man and woman splitting home work agree you’ll have more sex if you share chores. The clever men at DadLabs call this “choreplay,” and I was thrilled to see a section on the benefits of choreplay in their new book, “Dadlabs Guide to Fatherhood.” The Dads write that seeking to attain a 50-50 co-parenting split will pay dividends in terms of dads’ relationships with their kids and will virtually guarantee MORE SEX. They provide helpful tips to work on getting to 50-50. The dads actually make a long list of all the minutiae of running a house (from getting dressed, to buying gifts, to picking up dog turds to the usual cooking and cleaning) and suggest that couples sit down and decide how to split such tasks-- forever. Awesome stuff.
Crying it out. My boy is nearly six months, and until 6 days ago, he rarely slept more than 3 hours at a stretch, and he never napped. This was clearly a miserable situation and sadly, the No Cry Sleep Solution was not helping. But like bottle feeding, crying it out sleep training is pretty out of fashion in my neck of the woods (there is even a website for those trying to "recover" from trying CIO). A dear friend sent me a copy of Marc Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. On a whim and at the end of my rope, I decided to try the extinction method one night. Dr. Weissbluth frames it well: although you think you are being a loving parent by preventing your child from crying in the crib, by running in every time he cries, you’re preventing your child from getting what he needs: sleep. So…I just put him to bed one night. And let him stay there. And he cried a little, maybe 5 minutes, but he slept 12 hours with only one feed halfway through. He'll wake up and whimper sometimes but quickly fall back asleep. And he’s continued this for a week- last night was 13 hours total with one waking. I pinch myself each day. I don’t feel even a little guilty for letting him cry. He’s so much happier, as are we!
What is making me want to cry is his new lack of interest in nursing. The world is exciting, solid foods are exciting, trying hold the bottle is super exciting. Nursing, which I have come to really cherish, is not exciting. He can barely be bothered to suck. Is this it for us? Is he ready to wean? I’m not ready to wean him! How can I tell if it's time? Is this the first of many mommy twinges as he samples his independence?
Finally, I have to give Jill Miller Zimon’s column a plug. Jill is running for election in her Ohio city and she has three children and she’s a prolific writer and blogger and…I’m exhausted just writing this. But Jill brings up a great point about a recent favorable article about NY Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s struggle to balance it all, an article which candy-coats a lot of working mother aspects:
"I do have a real problem with these peeks inside: they make the experience look too nice and uncomplicated by the reality that was John Lennon's philosophy: "life is what happens while you are making other plans."
Where's the photo where Gillibrand pokes her cheek with her mascara wand and has to start her makeup all over again and then starts running late because the faux pas will add on another crucial two minutes to her routine (I know you all know what I'm talking about!)?
And because Gillibrand is a working mom means she gets Valentine
women's interest pieces from EMILY's List while facing feuds on several
fronts in politics-land. This is smart strategy from the Gillibrand shop. Jill, I think the whole point of the sanitized
article is to deflect from the tough recent press. The working mother
angle is a distraction, and therefore it's not a very realistic portrayal.
It's also disheartening.
I sat next to Working Mother magazine CEO Carol Evans at an event this week and I really wanted to ask her this one question: Why are the working mothers you feature always superwomen who get up
