I am ridiculously excited for our first Halloween! I'm having the mommy group over, and I'm making big girl cupcakes, and baby cupcakes. I was psyched to make carrot cake with nuts and candy corn on top, until someone reminded me both are a choking hazard...I will definitely be sending photos to the BlogHer Halloween Photoshare! My son is going to be Superman (of course...).

I attended the Working Mother Work Life Congress this week in New York. Below I’ve tried to capture vignettes of what I found interesting at the meeting, as well as one piece of advice that changed my thinking and I hope will help you too.

Every ounce counts. Heather Chase is CEO of Corporate Lactation Services, which provides lactation consultants to working women at US companies. Helping women pump at work saves companies money: one day absences for sick children occur more than twice as often for mothers who feed their babies formula. CIGNA conducted a two year study of 343 employees who took part in a lactation support program and found the program saved CIGNA $240,00 annually in health care costs, 62% fewer prescriptions for babies, and $60,000 savings in reduced absenteeism rates.

But as my baby gets closer to a year old, I’ve found it harder to nurse and pump regularly. For one, he is just not that interested. Once or twice a day is enough nursing for him. And I’m less motivated to nurse, and certainly to pump. But Heather, a warm and wonderful woman who I wish I could have called for lactation advice said to me, “Every ounce counts.” Meaning, every ounce of breastmilk is a “gift” to my baby. She said nursing him twice a day is great, and I should not feel any guilt about it. And even better she thinks I won’t need to keep pumping. I’ll have the supply to nurse him when it suits us.

I left the Working Mother Conference early. Something about being in New York, five hours away from the baby, made me anxious. Something about now, maybe it’s H1N1, who knows, makes me feel very vulnerable when I am physically far apart from my 10 month old. I talked about how I missed him. Nina Madoo from Marriott, a super smart woman, said, “I know, it’s like you ache for them.” Yep, I ached for the baby, and feared he had a cold. I ran out and took an early train to make it home to see him before he went to bed. Mothers of older children tell me this ache will diminish, as he gets older, more willful, and more difficult. They promise I will relish a night alone. But now, I look at his photo on my laptop, my milk comes down, and I literally and physically ache for him.

But here’s the truth: I got what I needed from the meeting, for me. I had spent enough time, made enough connections, done what I’d come to do. Maybe I didn’t network as much as I could have, but in a couple years, when I have an impossible toddler and no longer baby deliciousness, I will. And this, to me, is the gift of motherhood. I’m getting better at drawing boundaries. If I’m done at work, I’m done. Well, I try.

And the sense I got from the Working Mother Congress and that I get whenever I talk to working parents is, yes, we all ache for our babies when they are little. But we go to work, we do what we need to do. But we don’t have to pretend any more that we don’t ache for them, and that is profound. I think that our generation is lucky in the sense that we don’t have pretend anymore that we aren’t parents and that it doesn’t change our work lives. Women still pay a “mommy tax” but we aren’t forced to pretend motherhood isn’t happening to us, which is how it used to be, I believe in corporate America.

And it’s not that new mothers don’t want to work.  A recent survey of 1,200 new mothers found that 20% actually reported being more ambitious after having their baby. Throughout the career life cycle, women are more engaged at work than men. Engagement is lower for women in their thirties than it is for women in their twenties (who are the most ambitious and highly career-engaged group in this study), probably because work and family demands converge at this time.  Employee resilience, defined as the ability to adapt to change, is higher for women than men. However, in their thirties, exempt men and women each become less resilient, again, I think, because it’s hard to manage work and family. Women get much more resilient as they head into their forties and fifties, while men’s resilience drops. This is crucial because resilience is highly correlated with schedule control and workplace relationships, which predict turnover. All this data is from a survey of 2,775 American employees conducted by WFD Consulting.

Still, one discussion I participated in we brought up the concept of “reclaiming Mommy Tracking.” Because most women work, and all women want different things from their career. We’re not tokens anymore. And for those who run programs like work life benefits and employee resource groups (such as your company’s women’s network) it can be a challenge, because it’s not enough, now, to just be about “women,” or “diversity.” There are four generations at work and they all expect different things. Millennial women are the most ambitious: their women’s network group at work might be all about how to advance your career.  A new mother in her 30’s might want the mentorship of another working mom. And a mid-career in her forties is about developing her mission in life, creating a different sort of community. And some women might not mind being mommy tracked! What about creating a “buffet” of scheduling and flexibility options for new mothers returning from leave? And they key would be, this would not be at the manager’s discretion. Anyone could take advantage of the buffet.

Going back to the idea that working women are far from tokens: the fallout from the Shriver Report on women and CA Women’s Conference is so interesting. To me, there is a sense that what’s in the report isn’t new, but there is a new and very real heft that comes with the fact that women are half the workforce.  We can afford to be more real, I hope, and we can afford to ask for what we want.

Speaking of what we want. This is a nod to the BlogHer community, all you social media expert women. The big corporations at the Working Mother Conference want to figure out social media, and they need help. This expertise is power for you. How can you use it?