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Haven't manage to sit down and concentrate on producing a blog for a good many weeks now. Mixture of reasons. Have been struggling against a very difficult period of depression, and basically feel that I am simply lurching from one hour to the next with very little motivation or ability to do anything else. I have also been having serious anxiety attacks, which then make me too tired to do much else. Plus I think I have some sort of writers' block...
I am continuing with my 12 step programme of recovery in AA. I am almost finished my fourth step now. That also requires me to go against my grain, since it requires actual effort on my part. Shit as I feel, I am to find things to be grateful for each morning in prayer, speak to my sponsor every day and get to meetings etc. Haven't had a drink for almost 6 months now - imagine! Something is obviously working.
As part of my step 4 inventory, I have had to look at and face the financial turbulence I have lived in for the last 5 years or more. I have in effect been living on credit card and loans, then remortgaging that onto my house and starting again. Then remortgaging again. Then starting again... The cycle ends now. It looks as though I will have to close down my business over the next few weeks as I will only end up in further debt if I don't. I am also having to move house in 2 weeks time - back to the wee house I was in before I moved into my current big house with my ex. Thank God I held on to my previous house with a view to renting it out. We were all in the new house just 3 weeks when the shit hit the fan about the prostitutes/chat-lines/porn/spending on designer stuff - the whole lot. Now I am free from that relationship and, although I can no longer afford to stay in this house myself, at least I still have my own home to move back to. Must start packing some time soon...
In addition, I have had to take professional advice about my personal financial situation. The doctors hope I will be fit for work again by early next year, but not before. So I am not in a position to pay the cards/loans/etc I have until then. That involves my advisers trying to keep me out of bankruptcy court between now and then. So that has also added a bit of pressure!
So, yeah, I guess I have felt like I have been trapped in a financial washing machine on spin. And whenever I get a bit of breathing space and start feeling a bit less dizzy, someone pushes the button again.
Just in case I ever had any doubt about my life being unmanageable... And I get that I have to stop thinking I am in charge here, that it is down to me to sort it all out. Because it isn't. I have to keep handing this stuff over to my Higher Power. It may be too big for me, but it is definitely not too big for Him. It's ok for me to feel overwhelmed - I have already admitted at step 1 that I can't do this stuff by myself. I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be. And I trust that it will all work out just the way God wants it to. I just have to suit up, turn up and shut up. He will do the rest.
And for goodness' sake. Its only money. It comes and it goes all the time. So I am trying to focus on the things that are real and steadfast - God as I understand Him, AA, the programme - and the things that matter - health, strength, family.
Easier said than done. But easy never did me any good.
Good to be back! Thank you to all who have left comments and sent messages. Sorry to worry anyone! xo
